Stalking the Author
I was getting impatient sitting around waiting for Robert Crais‘s next book, The Sentry. Yeah, I know it’s coming out January 11 but that’s five lousy months.
So I decided to take matters into my own hands and jumped into my car. Crais lives here in the city of angels, there are only about three million people—how hard can he be to find? They don’t call me the Nerd for nothin’.
After seven hours of driving the neon-dotted streets, begging for scraps of info from hookers and residents of dark alleys, I found him having drinks in a dimly lit bar where you can’t smoke anymore but can still smell it in the bartender’s hair. Someone played blue notes on the sax in the background while someone else danced slowly with himself.
When Crais saw me coming, he gave me weary eyes and simply asked “Why?” without missing a sip. I said, “Because I lose sleep at night and can’t take it anymore.” He nodded as if he’d always known, reached into his pants and handed this over. I ran out of the bar, clutching the manuscript to my bosom, and never looked back.
Connect with me on Facebook and Twitter for more pop culture updates
This is just so, so wrong…I expect you to scan it and email it to me pronto!
No actually, you are to remain absolutely silent until I get my copy of the book. I don’t want to hear how incredibly wonderful it is until I can actually taste it myself!! LOL
Try not to read too fast.
Fine way to ruin my day, right at the very start. Your wickedness knows no bounds.
But I’m delighted for you! Yes, even as I stick pins into this small wax figure I call Elyse (a coincidence, I assure you), I’m really very happy for you. Almost.
Love it! But, does RC know you’ll return it all marked up with your little red book editor’s pen asking where the hell is the vampire angle in the story?
Thanks, Elyse.
Just plain mean.
Oh, now that’s just *not* right.
People have killed over less provocation.
Almost makes me want to move back to LA so I can stalk, too. Almost…
Just hand it over and no one gets hurt!
As a newly converted Craisy I’m positively very, very jealous.
You know… Karma’s a bitch (I should know) so watch your back, or your quasi-criminal activities [or fully criminal in that you induce murderous thoughts in other people] might bring your doom.
OK. I think I’m too jealous.
Is it wrong to say you all made me laugh? It’s nice to know Crais has such passionate fans, even if it comes out in the form of hatred towards me.
Poncho, I don’t scare easily but will keep my lights on tonight because of you. Elizabeth, please don’t send your monkey into my dreams again. le0, I won’t ask for vampires, just maybe more sex scenes. Naomi, if you must stick pins anywhere, please do it in your doll’s butt cheeks. I won’t feel them there.
Seriously, how cool is it that the book is done?
What kind of pervert goes around sticking pins in dolls’ butt cheeks?
Oh.
Glad I made you laugh. But remember: he who laughs last…
Now, on the serious side. How amazingly cool is that! Yeah I’m oozing green right now but also quite proud that I can tell I have a net-buddy who gets actual “insider info”.
Just, please, don’t brag too much
You still have about 10 more Crais books to read so what’s with all the violent threats? You know that green is also the color of GREED?
I don’t know which is funnier: “reached down his pants” or “the vampire angle,” they both had sweet iced tea coming out my nose!
I wondered about the “reaching down his pants”…where exactly did he keep it? I mean, a manuscript is a little larger that a wallet. Something to think about…Hey Elyse, did you wash your hands?
Jann, I usually am a germaphobe but oddly enough did not wash my hands after handling the ms, which was in pristine condition despite its previous storage place. I even took it to bed with me, that’s how clean it was.
Rachel, I’m glad the iced tea was sweet to lessen the burn as it came out your nose (Poncho knows all about nose-spewing).
You know it is my birthday; this would be a lovely gesture. I’m just sayin’. Since you are not responding well to threats, I figured a softer approach might be more effective.
I hand my stalking crown over to you, PCN. Anyone who can pull a rabbit out of a hat, er, um a manuscript out of some pants is worthy of the crown in my book. Nicely done!
Shhhhhh. I have everyone convinced HE pulled the ms out of his pants. Please don’t tell *I* did it!
You’re reading it right now, aren’t you? (Did I mention that it’s my birthday?)
Awwww, Paulette, it’s your birthday?
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
You still won’t get my SENTRY
Happy birthday to you
Hmmmph! I cannot post my song in reply as apparently you have RULES for niceness! But I am quite positive that you can read my thoughts and that delights me!
Well, well, well, guess I’m a little late for this party! Need anyone to read to you? Maybe pick up the pages and um, organize them for you as you finish reading each one?
HEY PEOPLE!! LISTEN UP!! PCN doesn’t respond to threats. You must use bait! Such as…LAYS Kettle Cooked Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper chips! Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate! Maybe one of those McDonald’s Iced Mocha Frappes!
Think along those lines and I will rig some sort of bear trap or a noose.
If I recall correctly, you could add Snickerdoodles to your list Reader#9.
Elyse, I’m laying in bed here rolling side to side laughing so hard tears are running! Omg, you are hilarious! RC knows there’s no way he can say no to you. Lol! Hookers?! Lol! Am very happy you have THE SENTRY + know it’s incredible. Am not jealous at all. Really. Just maybe look over your shoulder now and then. Make sure that manuscript is put away. Lock your doors. And sleep with one eye open. Hahahahaha! Oops…maniacal…uh…cheerful laughter!
Heh, heh!! I, for one, did not drive around for seven hours, talking to hookers and unsavoury types and inhaling an unfamiliar bartender’s hair, so she who stalks best, scores first. I’m so happy for you, PCN. Have you finished it already? I have to say, Robert Crais sounds about as cool as Miles Davis, except for keeping manuscripts down his pants. Not sure about that bit…
hahahahaha oh Elyse I don’t know how you do it. I haven’t even seen the manuscript yet and I work here! You amaze me. Congratulations I am envious!
Eric—You can bring me snacks and fan me with giant palm fronds while I read.
Reader#9—What the…? Are you the one who broke into my snacks closet? How do you know what I keep in there?!
Donna—Guess what? I’m lying in bed right now, too—with Elvis and Joe! And Crais did say no to me when I asked for a cheese log in 2003.
Shell—Thank you for being the cool one who isn’t plotting some kind of “accident” for me. I haven’t finished it yet because I’m trying to make the pleasure last. Last night, I spread the pages on my couch and rolled around in them.
Novelwhore—It took me years to hone my stalking skills. I started with nothing but a pair of pliers and a banana.
For a moment there, I thought you were going to say the “… a pair of pliers and a blow torch… line from PULP FICTION (byway of Charlie Varrick), Elyse
Oh wow, I never saw that movie! Lame, I know, but Tarantino’s violence freaks me out. Only movie of his I’ve seen is Inglourious Basterds.
We definitely need to change that! Tell you what, PULP FICTION is playing tonight at midnight at the New Beverly Cinema (the revival theatre owned by QT) in L.A. If you and your hubby want to go, I’ll meet you there. My treat
.
LOL!!! I love it. Your efforts definitely go in my Book of Awesome!