Let’s cut to the chase. Tonight there were three rounds, each one with different “rules.” For their first performance, the kids got to choose whichever song they liked. And it went like this:

Scotty opened with Lonestar’s “Amazed.” And I am…at least a little. This song did seem like a change for him, both in tone and in range. He managed to bring real movement to the stage instead of his trademark corniness. Sadly, I could hear the stretching of his voice as he tried to reach the higher parts of the song—which he didn’t. And during those parts, the backup singers totally outsang him. I couldn’t even hear him. He did nail the lower parts, though. I gotta admit that I really like his low-tone singing, but this performance, which could’ve been a nice moment for him, turned instead into an I-think-it’s-OK one.

Next was Lauren, singing Faith Hill’s “Wild One.” Again, it was just nice. She did seem very comfortable on stage, much more than she’s been for a long time. Lauren fills my screen during the closeups, but she lacks the experience to blow away the audience with her voice. It’s not how loud your voice is, but how you can bring people into your performance (see: Kris Allen’s “Ain’t No Sunshine” cover). This is when I remember Lauren is just a child, and I wish they would’ve let her grow before they threw her into this machine.

Closing the round, Haley sang “What Is and What Should Never Be” by Led Zeppelin, and she fell on her face, quite literally. After making a tour around the judges’ table, she tripped and fell. But that aside, the performance was pretty impressive. The song choice was highbrow for me (I don’t quite like it), but the fact that it’s not that familiar gave her the chance to own it. And own it she did. And the fact that she fell, and then stood up and continued singing, gave her applause from J. Lo & the block for being professional. Also, her dad was playing guitar during her performance, which gave her like a thousand how-cool-is-that points.

So round one, the winner was Haley, hands down. For round two, the songs were picked by Jimmy Iovine.

We saw Scotty again, singing “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not.” (Hell, no!) The performance was really good vocally, and even McCheesy’s Velveeta felt like it belonged where he put it. It actually felt honest and quite age-appropriate for him, and it sounded like he could record it. What made me quite uncomfortable was that his legs looked like he came from a seventeen-hour horseback ride and he couldn’t pull them straight. But I like when a song allows Scotty to use the twang in his voice and abuse his lower register. This Thompson Square song did that for him.

Iovine chose “If I Die Young” for Lauren. She started out sounding pretty good, but then she blew it. Not “out the box,” as Mr. Dawg likes to say. She missed some words because of the key change at the end of the song. And that blows. It’s sad, because she was having a very tender moment in the performance and then bam! But the judges pampered her like the kid she is. I wish they would start treating her like the professional she wants to become.

If Iovine’s the one to blame for Haley’s “Rhiannon” arrangement, then I’ll say he’s totally trying to screw her up. Haley looked gorgeous on camera and the almost-Marilyn-Monroe situation with the wind machine made the performance shine, but the arrangement was weird. The vocal part was very impressive because there wasn’t a moment where Haley growled, but instead, she sang softly and caressed the words, even though her pronunciation wasn’t top-notch. But I didn’t like the arrangement. I just didn’t.

I’ll call Haley again for round two. For round three, the judges gave their song choices to the contestants.

Trouty Mouth Steven Tyler chose Kenny Rogers’s “She Believes in Me” for Scotty. It was not only a great song for him, but also a very good performance. Scotty even managed to slay the big notes. Though the arrangement was that of a piano-driven ballad, he made the song feel a little country with his voice alone. It was quite nice, for a change.

J.Lo picked Lee Ann Womack’s “I Hope You Dance” for Lauren, who redeemed herself big time. But I have a big issue with ballads. When you sing a ballad, you need to find a way to engage the audience, find something to do, either moving, playing an instrument, or even sitting on a stool or chair (when you sing uptempo you need to move less so you can keep your breath). With that gorgeous dress on, Lauren looked like she was in the talent portion of the Miss Georgia pageant, the teen version. She did show off amazing vocal chops, though.

What Steven & La Lopez did in their picks was choose a song that fit their singers’ voices and asked for some stretch. Randy, however, gave Haley a very tough song to sing: Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know.” I don’t know what he was thinking. That song has so many changes in pace, it’s insane (I love it, though). Haley belted the choruses like there was no tomorrow, and did a fantastic job with them, but the fact that she botched the staccato bridges made the performance lackluster. It just wasn’t good. And, for the first time, the judges recognized the problem instead of just bashing her.

I’ll say the winner for round three is Steven’s song choice for Scotty.

And that’s how it went. I totally want to see Haley in the finale, and watch her take the trophy home. HALEY FTW!

Photos: FOX

As I’ve written a few times, I don’t get American Idol [in Mexico] until about a week after it airs in the U.S., so I only watch the performances [online] and none of the judges’ comments. A week later, I watch the whole show. During my initial viewings, after writing about what I saw, I often read online what the judges said and find I rarely agree with them.

But this show brought a few surprises for me. By this time in the competition, they’ve gotten rid of the bad, the mediocre, the preachy and the ones unwilling to grow. The four left are definitely good and have delivered fine performances, and even a couple of great ones (*cough* Haley *cough*). So as some people say, “the game is on.”

This week there were two rounds with two themes. For round one, they performed “Songs That Inspire,” and this is how it went:

James Durbin opened with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Blame my uncle, but I love Journey and I love the song. I enjoy Glee and LOVED The Sopranos, so what’s not to like when that song is treated with respect? It was very well done and, unlike last week, James was on pitch the whole time and his vocals were very clean. The only turnoff was that he didn’t add much to the song, so it felt unoriginal and a little karaoke, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing in this case.

Next was Haley Reinhart channeling Michael Jackson. “Earth Song” is a great song and there was nothing that Haley could do wrong with it. It was very well done and filled with emotion while she stayed on pitch. Mr. Dawg & La Lopez told her that the song didn’t fit her and that she shouted. I call it BS! She overgrowled (if that’s a word), not yelled. I know Randy has a very limited vocabulary but I think that’s too much. And yes, the song didn’t quite fit her but she was limited by a theme that asked for a specific feel, so she couldn’t parade sexily or lament angrily—which is more her niche. Anyway, she sang nice, and the gospel choir definitely gave the performance extra feeling.

When I heard Scotty McCreery singing Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)” I started yawning. I became very angry, well after having a whole mug of coffee (my Don Quijote mug can hold about 500 ml, so you can guess how hard it was for me to wake up after the performance). I agree that Scotty has been somewhat consistent, he’s never actually botched a performance, he has a very mature voice and marketable singing style, but he has never really given a good show. Not once has he stretched himself, not once has he tried something different, and not once have the so-called judges told him that he’s always played it safe. According to many critics he’s the frontrunner and he’s never thrilled the audience enough. If he wins, he will be competing for the lamest winner ever. I do like his voice—I actually like it very much—but I’m bored of watching him.

Lauren Alaina then sang Martina McBride’s “Anyway” and for the first time, she showed some sort of connection to the material! Not only was the pitch and arrangement perfect for her, but it felt like she understood what she was singing about. I’m not quite buying this pseudo-growth shtick the producers are trying to sell just yet, but I do see a little improvement in her. I mean, she’s just very young. What she needs is not to perform songs too mature for her and start belting age-appropiate songs and she’ll find her connection. “Anyway” was the perfect case.

So those were the pseudo-inspiring songs. I call Lauren a questionable round one winner.

For the second part, the performance order and the theme changed. Now it was time for the Leiber & Stoller songbook. And the guest mentor is Lady Gaga but…why is she trying to channel Billy the Puppet?

The first one was Haley with a fantastic rendition of “I (Who Have Nothing).” I’ll say it: My favorite growler could never match the raw anguish Jordin Sparks brought to the song when she performed it during her season 6 run. Haley changed it into some sort of stalker plea. And it sold. It wasn’t as amazing as her “House of the Rising Sun” last week (I doubt anyone can match it now), but it was great nonetheless. And I got angry again when I read the judges’ comments. I sort of understand why they are so unfairly hard on her if they’re pushing her toward brilliance, but what I’m missing is why they don’t do it to the others. They deserve constructive criticism too! That’s the point of them folks being there! Anyway, Haley should be in the top three just for her lungs alone. That girl can hold a note!

I’m changing Scotty McCheesy’s nickname to Scotty McCreepy. He sang “Young Blood” and trotted around the stage like a drunken monkey trying to be sexy. I gagged, then got goosebumps (not the good kind) and then wanted to barf. The cheese factor was so over the top that it became completely uncomfortable. The whole visual was completely wrong. I listened to him again without the visual and noticed the vocals were nice and his lower register was on fire. It wasn’t superb and the visual part almost made me want to tear my eyes out, but he’s still consistent. The judges had cheese-gasms, though.

If singing Elvis Presley was the only chance we saw Lauren, I’d say she should be in “Trouble.” She wasn’t bad, though she lost her breath in a couple of verses, but it was pretty underwhelming. I agree she has the IT factor, but she hasn’t found IT. She does look more comfortable on stage than she has in weeks past, but she doesn’t know yet how to match her body movements with the song. I think “Trouble” should be sung by a girl in a more teasing and sexy kind of way and she’s too young for that! I often ask myself about the people behind her: Are they trying to screw up this girl’s teenage years, or are they really clueless about what to advise her?

Closing the show was James Durbin. I wonder why is he both opening and closing the show. His song choice was “Love Potion No. 9” and, yet again, it was nice. He missed a few notes here and there but I was feeling quite pleased with the arrangement and the performance until the very end. During the final notes, twice he stopped singing and the band quit playing for him to grasp the audience’s love for him. If it didn’t make me laugh I would’ve gotten angry at that. The way he did it was overconfident and just too much, which made me uncomfortable, and he looked the most like Sloth from The Goonies. I know I’ve teased about that a few times, but this time the resemblance was uncanny!

And so, round two ends with a definite win for Haley. If it was my choice I’d send Scotty home. If you had asked me last week, I would’ve said Lauren had the toughest chance, but I think she might grab a few votes [this week] for her “Anyway,” if “Trouble” didn’t hurt her that much.

Who do you think will make the top three?

Photo: Michael Becker/FOX

Tonight’s theme is “Now and Then” or something like that. It’s modern songs and then songs of the ’60s or ’70s, and all five contestants are butchering and/or killing one of each. This should be interesting.

The first round is the “Now” round, and this is how they did.

James Durbin opened the show with “Closer to the Edge” by 30 Seconds to Mars. I just can’t make up my mind about this one. For one, I think it was a good choice, and an original one (I don’t know how long the song lists are for the contestants this season, but I’d like to think they have carte blanche). I also think he’s got good communion with the audience and his vocal pyrotechnics thrill them, too. And, of course, he nails the song in the wailing part. But he still misses quite a few notes on the lower register, and while I commend the song choice, I’d rather hear it as a closing number, or an encore one. Do you get what I mean? I didn’t think the number had enough energy, soul, or emotion to carry an audience for a full show.

When I read Jacob Lusk’s song choice—“No Air” by Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown—I cringed. When I saw his performance, I cringed again. Let me list what was wrong. First: The song choice sucked. It’s one thing to turn a solo into a duet, but to turn a duet into a solo is just dumb. Second: He came in full skanky diva mode, and he’s supposedly a dude. Third: It sucked. Fourth: He, again, lost control of his vocals. Fifth: It sucked. Sixth: His awkward dancing reminds me of [Mexico's] Juan Gabriel. Also: It sucked. Need I say more?

Lauren Alaina rocked. She sang “Flat on the Floor” and left the previous guys just like that. Her vocals were spot on, her delivery amazing. Just one complaint: I wish she would make more of the stage; she barely moved and the whole performance looked energetic and static at the same time. Other than that, it was just a few steps from a true Idol Moment™, in my opinion.  Good stuff indeed. She’s a keeper, that one!

Holy cow! Scotty McCreery was good as well! He sang “Gone” by Montgomery Gentry and I did feel like I was at a concert, one where they drench you in Velveeta, but hey, who am I to complain? (If one of you heard me singing, you might). The vocals were fantastic, though it seemed he was half a beat too slow for the first third of the song. He had good chemistry with the backups; he gave them their spotlight AND upstaged them. I still think he’s too cheesy and his crazy [singing] faces gives me the creeps, but for the first time in a while, Scotty was fun!

Haley Reinhart took the “Now” [part of the show] one step further and turned it into “Tomorrow.” She established a new precedent by doing an unreleased Gaga song. Yup. She sang “You and I” from the upcoming Born this Way. I loved how the judges were absolutely clueless in what to critique. And I think that worked better! She’s been hurting for a bunch of weeks because of the lukewarm feedback from them and she pulled an “in your face.” I think it was good, sexy, and fitting. The song felt like it belonged to her and vice versa. The tone was fantastic, her growl fit wherever she put it, and she looked much more comfortable on stage than she’s ever been. The whole thing worked for me. If I were American, I would have voted like crazy for her. How could someone not love her when she’s the only really bold one left after they ditched Naima? #SaveHaley. ‘Nuff said.

Now, for the second round, the “Then” performances…

James went into the overly sentimental territory (like Jacob last week) and botched it. His voice was completely flat in Harry Nilsson’s “Without You.” Thank God it didn’t go into Ken Lee territory but it was pretty close. Bummer, because I thought this guy almost had the It factor, but sadly no. He just cannot connect to an audience through his voice. He depends entirely on the theatricality and his “deep emotional connection” felt completely fake, even with his strategically placed tear-down-cheek thing. And for the first time, Steven Tyler called him on his pitch. That’s something, ain’t it?

I’ll admit I enjoyed Jacob a little better this time. After hearing him sing “Love Hurts,” one would think older songs are more his thing. He still lost control of a few notes, but even when he went for the crazy ones, he held it all together much better than he has since the semifinals. But still, I don’t like him. And while he sang so-so, his moves were like that of a child having a temper tantrum. It sort of suits the song, though, so who knows?

I have bittersweet feelings about Lauren tackling “Unchained Melody.” She does sing beautifully, has good sense of pitch and nice (not great) stage presence. And she’s growing as a performer. She managed the song well, but she missed the nice things that make it a classic. For one, she gave it a few more runs than she should, even missing the beat a few times because of it. And then, she didn’t even TRY to go high. The prettiest part of the song for me is the falsetto part (you know, the “I neeeee-hee-heed your lo-oove”), and she went the other way. Like her trying to tackle “Natural Woman” a few weeks back, she seems to lack the life experience to sing a song THAT intimate to someone, and so it felt pageantry, even artificial.

Almost the same thing happened to Scotty on his next choice. He sang “Always on My Mind” mostly on key but didn’t get the feeling and soul of it. Also, his country vibe didn’t quite fit the arrangement. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t bad by any means, but it wasn’t memorable.

OK, scratch all I’ve written so far. Haley stole the night. Again. Her “House of the Rising Sun” was AMAZING. Flawless. Even if her song choice could be nitpicked, she just had the first Idol Moment™ this season. Period. Everything about Haley’s performance was perfect. The lighting, the a capella start, the way the band entered. OMG. I’ll use my first Randy-ism and say “Haley is in it to win it!” She’s hands down the one who’s most improved, and who’s taken this contest as a platform and learning experience. And it shows. This was fantastic.

This week’s theme was Carole King’s songbook, and I have to say CK was good for most of these kids. The night was kind of boring, though, except for a few “highlights” now and then.

Jacob Lusk opened with “Oh No, Not My Baby.” He was dressed like a clown and that matched his performance. It was uptempo and actually quite fun. He botched a lot of the higher notes but it came together on the lower ones. This is the first time I didn’t hate his performance, perhaps because it seemed he didn’t take himself too seriously and he pulled back on his skanky diva faces. He still reminds me of Juan Gabriel’s dancing, though.

Then Lauren Gilmore Alaina sang “Where You Lead” and though she wasn’t perfect, she was way more relaxed than last week. The backups were actually a great help to her because she sounded a lot better when she harmonized with them. And wow! She serenaded a random guy from the audience, even pulling him to the stage. She was flirty AND age-appropriate. That was nice, but there were flaws in her vocals.

The first duet came courtesy of rumored couple Casey Abrams & Haley Reinhart with “I Feel the Earth Move.” It was nice. The solos weren’t that interesting but when they started harmonizing, it was quite good. There was real chemistry there and the arrangement suited both of them. The bad thing was, the flaws in Casey’s higher register raised their arms to be noticed.

Scotty McCreery took me by surprise. He didn’t quite go out of his comfort zone, but he did try something different. He did a sort of romantic performance with “You’ve Got a Friend” and managed to pull the cheese back completely until the closing verse. His vocals were smooth and nice for almost the whole song, though he cracked during a few of the higher notes. It was good nonetheless and a nice step forward for him. I’m still waiting for him to have a real Idol Moment™, especially since lots of people are labeling him the frontrunner.

James Durbin was next with a nice rock ‘n’ roll twist to “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow.” It was a little overdone in some parts with his higher register, but the whole thing came together very well. It’s the first time that I can recall this season when there was a good rearrangement of a song that actually fit both the song and the contestant. It was very nice, indeed.

The next duet was “Up on the Roof,” sung by Lauren and Scotty. Lauren’s voice sort of drowned Scotty’s in a few places; he seemed to be singing only the harmony. I think the song was a little high for Scotty in most parts, but I liked some of Scotty’s moments better than Lauren’s. Their voices don’t complement each other the way Casey & Haley’s do. It was a nice try, but it felt lacking.

Next, Casey growled through “Hi-De-Ho” and I don’t get why the judges thought it was that good. Casey talked, shouted and growled through the verses, and there was no musicality to it except for the musicians on stage. The whole thing was lame and came out as an angry bashing of the audience. Some random girl was almost throwing herself at him but Casey seemed to ignore her and kept sneering and shouting. Oh, but the cool sax player [from two weeks ago] was there! Other than her, I didn’t like the performance at all. By the way, Casey has managed so far to disrespect both Nirvana & Maroon 5. I say put him in the bottom three or kick him out!

Haley then sang “Beautiful” and she sang it beautifully, but the background was hurting her. I read there were troubles with the sound and ear monitors, and there was chaos on stage before her performance. I’m starting to think: “Are the producers actually trying to hurt her?” It’s not the first time I’ve felt it in the last few weeks. She’s the ONLY contestant they give lukewarm criticism to week in and week out even though she’s the only one actually growing as a performer. And now this. (I did hear, though, there were also sound issues during Jacob’s turn last week so I don’t know.) Other than that, Haley did well. She didn’t blow me away as she’s done other nights, but it was a good effort. I hope she’s safe.

James & Jacob’s duet was so crappy it was funny. They did a sort of rock arrangement to “I’m Into Something Good” and it actually hurt them, since they both did some caterwauling and shrieking. At one point they even serenaded La Lopez, but it was all a mess. The whole thing looked like they got drunk, decided to match clothes, went to a karaoke bar, picked some random Carole King song and tried to seduce a girl while also kind of seducing one another. Weird stuff.

What did you think?

I’ll be the first to admit this episode was much more interesting than the last. The premise by itself, “Songs of the 21st Century”, made me smile a little, because this was the first real chance for most of these kids to be current (Miley Cyrus songs aside). They made me feel awkward, though: Of the seven songs, I only knew three beforehand so perhaps that gave them some advantage since I can’t compare theirs with the original performances.

Before I started watching this show, I did a little backtracking and noticed that, if this was one of the past seasons, we would’ve already witnessed outstanding performances [by this point in the competition]: Kelly Clarkson had already made us stand up with “A Natural Woman,” the Velvet Teddy Bear had taken many to “A Whole New World,” Fantasia & JHud had brought “Summertime” to a full “Circle of Life,” Carrie Under-bot had sung the hell out of “Alone,” and even Kris Allen had made us hear “Ain’t No Sunshine” like it was the first time while others melted with Glambert’s “Mad World.”

But not this season. There haven’t been many standout performances—none at all, for that matter. I even went back to last week with Casey’s “Nature Boy” and [decided] it wasn’t that much of an Idol Moment™. I’m still waiting…

Scotty McCheesy opened the show “Swingin’” on full Velveeta mode. C’mon! I thought he was pulling back! It was not good. His lower register only shone a couple of times and the whole thing was boring. I still think he’s got one of the most mature voices on the show, but he must do something else on stage pronto. He’s getting way too comfortable in his niche and there’s just no wow factor to it. I mean, I’m even starting to want to fast-forward through his airtime (a privilege only granted to the judges). Also, his song ain’t really from this century. Though LeAnn Rimes covered it, “Swingin’” was originally released in 1983! I call that cheating!

I didn’t think anyone would sing anything from Muse on AI but James “Sloth” Durbin did try to perform “Uprising.” He even brought some marching band drummers to the Idol stage. I’ll give it to him: He’s a showman, and a very good one, I must say. A good singer? Not really. He botched a lot of notes, especially the lower ones, but he sort of came together on the wailing. It wasn’t unpleasant, but good it was definitely not. And he’s absolutely got to stop eye-sexin’ the camera because it gives me serious chills.

Next was one of the most excellent song choices and the most current one in the show tonight: Haley Grrreinhart went blue-eyed soul and sung Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.” The Grrreinhart bandwagon keeps rolling, babe! Oh, my! Gotta admit that taking over Adele’s great soulful voice ain’t easy, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t say Haley did it nicely. It’s not tough to see Haley as the one who’s growing the most, and who’s less afraid of taking risks (“BENNY AND THE FRAKKING JETS”!!). The bridge started rough but she quickly managed it, and her falsetto and run at the end were things of beauty. This one paid off, in my book.

The Lusky Skank got overly emotional with “Dancing with My Father” by Luther Vandross. I will not argue about his connection to the song—it was definitely there. Hell, the emotion even overpowered his diva faces and took a serious toll on the pitch. I’ve been saying for quite some time that Jacob needs more control and getting that emotional on stage is not the way to find that.

Ca-sneer Abrams growled and sneered through Maroon 5’s “Harder to Breathe” and though it wasn’t bad, his performance lacked something. He lacks the appeal and stage presence Adam Levine has, and that really hurt Casey’s take. Also, Casey’s vocals couldn’t match the high tempo of the song. It felt like he was singing after the beat and it sounded weird. The original is way better than his 90-second version.

When Stefano Long-gone took the stage for his take on Ne-Yo’s “Closer,” I thought I was watching some guy being left alone by the rest of his boy band. It wasn’t just the look, but the way he got lost in the song. He did seem more comfortable and relaxed on stage. He did go out of his boring balladeer confort zone but that didn’t pay off. On other songs it seemed he tried too hard to hit the glory notes; this time it looked like he didn’t even try.

And finally, another candidate for our annual election of “Best Musician Who Upstages the Contestant”: the violinist playing next to Wauwen Alaina while she sang Sara Evans’s “Born to Fly.” Lauren was actually very good, nearly excellent. She sang the hell out of the song and took the stage very well. Her only mistake was that she didn’t interact enough with the other performers and looked awkward when she sang next to them. Either she needs to put them violin players somewhere where they can’t bother her, or ask the producer to get duller ones. Or better yet, get to know them before they perform together.

So that’s my take of this week’s Idol. I expect Stefano and Jacob to be in the bottom 3, and I’d put Scotty there, too. I’d put Long-gone out of his “Misery” (ha!).

This week, we’re missing one great vocalist with no sense of showmanship, and left with eight wannabes. I’ll admit the night was full of surprises. Nah. The night had a couple of welcome surprises, one Idol Moment™ and pretty much the same as usual for the rest.

Here’s my take:

Paul McDonald sang “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll” from Risky Business and it was weird in a cool kind of way. It started good and his seizures trademark dance moves were somehow made useful with a tambourine in one hand. Paul’s definitely getting more comfortable on stage and it shows. But then, a sax player came out and she absolutely upstaged Paul. She had so much more soul than he did and the notes coming from the sax were KILLER. I’d give a B to Paul and an A+ to the sax player. I’m guessing his banter with will.i.am and Jimmy Iovine about singing in his underwear will give him a lot of votes, but I’m still thankful he decided NOT to perform that way. ‘Nuff said.

Iovine told Lauren Alaina she’s a much better singer than Miley Cyrus, and I’m still wondering if that’s a compliment. I mean, I’ve got more political savvy than Sarah Palin, but I’ve never run for vice president (besides, I can’t). Anyway, Lauren picked Cyrus’s song “The Climb.” I gagged. “The Climb” is, in my opinion, one of the most overexposed so-so songs in history. But I’m grateful she decided to go current and be her age. Lauren has good vocals but the whole thing was underwhelming. After all, it’s from Hannah Montana: The Movie.

I’ll give Stefano Long-gone credit: he’s been consistent. Consistently boring, that is. He picked a Boyz II Men song and, though he did better than last week, he’s been performing in a whole different level than his fellow contestants, and I don’t mean it as a good thing. He’s mediocre, has little-to-no stage presence, and each song he picks sounds almost the same. Also, I think there might be some backlash against him after Pia’s exit. I’ll be bold and say it’s the “End of the Road” for him.

The good thing about Scotty McCheesy this week is that he’s pulling the Velveeta factor back. It’s still there; he can’t do nothin’ but hold the reins and try to manage it. The bad thing is, his choice this week—George Strait’s “I Cross My Heart”—exposed his vocal limitations. He finished the performance well and in good control, but his niche remains in slightly more uptempo songs where he can use his lower pitch. He’s still much better than other contestants (*cough* Stefano *cough*) and has the tweens in his pocket, so I think he’ll be safe.

I’ll admit it. I was actually very surprised at Casey Abrams. His song choice was bold, and the only intuitive thing about him picking Nat King Cole’s “Nature Boy” is that he looks like a lumberjack. His performance was laid-back and really intimate, and though he still has to control his face-pulling and avoid growling at times, he managed to do something very nice. I wouldn’t jump as the judges did and give him a standing ovation, but as I was watching him, I actually closed my eyes and pictured myself in a lounge with some drinks and great (female) company, just feelin’ it.

The judges blasted Haley Grrrreinhart after her cover of Blondie’s “Call Me.” She wasn’t as good as she was with “Benny and the Jets” two weeks ago, but she nailed most of the song. She botched the first two notes and got a little sloppy at the end, but her growl—again—fitted where she put it. And she had fun. I didn’t understand the bad criticism Jenny and her block gave Haley when she’s actually growing as a performer, and she still has so much more going on than many other contestants (*cough* Jacob *cough*). I hope she won’t become the sixth girl out because then I’d actually fear tween girls taking over the world.

Jacob Lusk-y Stank was bad. The performance wasn’t as catastrophic as his butchering of “Alone” was, but I didn’t feel his version of “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” At all. It’s just not the corniness and the diva faces; he lacks a good vibrato and he botched lots of notes. He went too low, then managed parts of the middle, then went too high, again too low, and by the time the backups came in, he was singing something else. I’m definitely not a Clay-mate but Jacob could never match what Aiken did on season 2 with this song.

But the award for best performance of the evening goes to Zakk Wylde from Black Label Society playing lead guitar for James Durbin on “Heavy Metal” by Sammy Hagar. Wylde was on fire, gave amazing riffs and the face-melting solo was out of this world. Then the judges said…wait, what? Why were they talking about the guy who wailed with no sense of pitch through Zakk’s masterful guitar work? I mean, I’d thank him for bringing a real rocker to the stage, but not praise him for being one ‘cause he ain’t. Oh, well, sometimes I don’t understand this show.

Did movie night thrill you?

Even with the theme being “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame,” the episode had little rock and less roll. Some of the choices were weird, most of the songs were performed (mostly better) in previous seasons, and the whole thing was more boring than last week. So let’s get rolling:

I just figured out who Jacob Lusk reminds me of. His weird dance moves in the second half of “Man in the Mirror” immediately made me think of Juan Gabriel! Not that it’s necessarily a bad thing; JG is a very successful recording artist…in Mexico. Anyway, the vocals were kind of good, but what’s with him thrusting the backup singer? And what’s with the backup-bots waving boringly? Besides, I’m fed up with his overly theatrical skanky diva faces. The judges loved the performance; I say meh.

I told PCN last week I was on board Haley Scarnatto Grrrreinhart’s bandwagon, and after hearing her cover Erma Franklin/Janis Joplin, I say the girrrrrrl took another “Piece of My Heart.” She wasn’t as good as last week, but she’s growing as an artist, picking songs that fit her grrrowl, improving the phrasing, looking gorgeous on stage, commanding more presence and, in general, looking less awkward. On the downside, she’s still got lots to grrrrrow.

Casey Abrams brought an upright bass! I couldn’t care less for his performance, even though “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” is one of my favorite songs ever. The upright bass upstaged Casey but it might still be me hating him for what he did to Nirvana.

I’ll say it about Lauren Alaina: NOBODY has made that girl feel like a “Natural Woman.” I’m not advocating underage sexin’, just saying you can master the technical aspects of a song as hard as “Natural Woman,” make changes to the phrasing and intonation of the verses (I hated the runs in the first ones, liked the softness in the middle), but if you have no connection, there’s no point. And that’s it—she sang pretty but sold nothing.

One thing we learned (or re-discovered) about James Durbin is that he has serious trouble with his lower register. And I mean serious. It’s a good thing Steven gave him props for “weeping” like his guitar because it was the only good thing about the performance. The pitch problems throughout the song made all guitars around the world need tissues.

This was the first time Scotty McCheesy actually really entertained me. It’s no secret I like his voice and believe he’s got a real chance in country music, but this was the first time he looked like a contender. He raised the tempo and he’s starting to pull the cheese factor back. Weird thing—the cheese he brought kinda worked.

I had a headache watching Pia Toscano. She sang uptempo (more like mid-tempo in my book, but whateva) and even with a few pitch problems here and there, managed to sound amazing. But then, the visuals were all wrong. First, the dress was a fashion no-no (hear it from a straight guy); second, she walked around the stage and her walk was very, very boring. If you close your eyes, you hear a great “uptempo” song. If you mute the TV/VCR/PC, you see someone singing a ballad. Guess she’s still Pia Tosca-bore.

If anyone was really a bore, it was Stefano Langone. Three words: Kick him out.

Finally, Paul McDonald was real fun to watch. It wasn’t the greatest performance, but his voice actually fitted the song and the arrangement. He brought his spastic-chicken dance to the stage, even while playing his guitar (I think the other guys beside him had ants in their pants, too, because they danced very weirdly as well). But somehow it all worked. It was fun, a little underwhelming, but fun nonetheless.

What did you think?

1. Adam Lambert’s “Whataya Want from Me”
2. Taylor Swift’s “Love Story”
3. The Black-eyed Peas’ “Let’s Get It Started”

I didn’t get a chance to hear her final two songs because I arrived at Trader Joe’s and had to begin the back-breaking process of grocery shopping (the bags I hauled outta there were heavier than my car). But I realized the songs I did hear gave me clues to who Adriana might be.

I’d say she’s in her early 20s because she’s a Taylor Swift fan and still young enough to want to get a party started. When you get to a certain age, you want to shut them down. She’s someone who would like to be a rebel like Adam Lambert but is really a sweet girl who’s still looking for the right guy and her own big love story. She probably works 9-5 as an assistant in an office somewhere and having her favorite songs played on the radio helps make her commute home a little more pleasant.

Of course, I could be waaayy off—Adriana could be a 58-year-old divorceé who owns a tattoo parlor—but it was fun to play this little game. I’d like to think Adriana offered up a glimpse of herself, intentionally or not, and I was saying, “I hear you, girl.” I then wondered what would be on my list.

Without thinking too much about it, here’s what I would request in no particular order:

1. The Eagles’ “New Kid in Town”
2. Israel “Iz” Kamakawiwo’ole’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”/”What a Wonderful World” medley
3. Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop”
4. U2′s “One”
5. Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours”

This list will most likely change tomorrow; heck, it might change in 20 minutes. But as it stands, what conclusions would you make from my choices (other than I’m old)? What would be your top 5 at 5?

Lee DeWyze was crowned the ninth American Idol tonight, with the result coming at the end of a two-hour-plus show that was actually entertaining at times. DeWyze is a decent enough singer and seems like a nice guy, but when Crystal Bowersox so obviously outshines him in every way, I don’t know what to say about his victory.

So, I’ll just recap some of the things I liked about the show. Yes, most of these people are older and their voices are a little thinner, but they sang the music of my youth and made me feel 10 years old again.

• The Bee Gees! If you know me at all, you know my soft spot for Bee Gees music. Maurice was missed since I’ll always think of the brothers as a trio but it was cool to have Barry and Robin Gibb come out singing “How Deep is Your Love.” When I was a kid learning English, I’d try to transcribe songs I heard on the radio and this was one of them since it was nice and slow. (I still had a little trouble: “And we’re living in a world of fools, drinking us down…”)
• Alanis Morrissette sang with Crystal on “You Oughta Know,” which was kickin’. Alanis was classy enough to hold back vocally so she wouldn’t steal Crystal’s spotlight (I’ve seen Alanis live from the pit—she can blow!) and immediately stepped away when the song was over, giving Crystal the floor. I had to laugh, though, at the cleaned up lyric made safe for prime-time TV. Crystal sang, “Is she perverted like me? Would she go down with you to a theater?” Wait a minute, so every time I accompany someone to a theater, I’m a pervert? Dang, I guess I’ve been perverted my whole life, sometimes for hours in one day with double features.
• Hall & Oates singing “You Make My Dreams Come True,” with Daryl Hall in strong voice and John Oates almost unrecognizable without his famous ‘stache. I suppose this is an appropriate song considering the occasion but I wish they’d sung “I Can’t Go for That”—I like that song’s groovy, sexy feel—instead of leaving it to the Idol guys, including 16-year-old Aaron Kelly singing lyrics like “I’d do anything that you want me to…,” which is kinda wrong.
• Bret Michaels dueting with Casey James on “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” Six months ago, I couldn’t have cared less about this performance since I’m no Poison fan. But seeing Michaels come out to sing was pretty amazing, considering he was at death’s door just weeks ago due to a brain hemorrhage. He looked and sounded as if nothing had happened, with him and Casey shredding their guitars with glee and harmonizing as if they’d been doing it for years. I don’t care what anyone says—I think Casey’s a true rocker. Watch video below.
• I had mixed feelings about Janet Jackson‘s two-number performance. The first song, “Nothing,” was kinda boring but the eery thing was she sounded exactly like Michael! If you closed your eyes, you would’ve thought MJ was singing. Her voice has never resembled his that much before so I don’t know what was going on. And then she got “Nasty”! Anybody getting nasty on stage is good entertainment.
• Oh yeah, I guess I gotta mention all the Simon tributes. Paula looked great but should never do standup—so awkward up there trying to crack jokes. Simon should never try to act, like he did in that one skit with him and Randy waking up together in bed. Enjoyed the satellite toast from Ricky Gervais, always the funniest man in the room. Other than that, I’ll miss Simon but as Paula said, the show will go on. After tonight’s results, though, whether I’ll watch is yet to be decided.

What were your favorite moments? No, it couldn’t have been Lee singing with Chicago. What else? Did anyone vote for Lee? What did you think when Bret Michaels walked out on stage?

Photos: FOX

America, as it often does, in its infinite wisdom, is about to make a mistake: They are going to name Lee DeWyze as the next American Idol.

Even more than last week, this week is hugely predictable. Even though Crystal outperformed, outcharmed and outclassed Lee, as she always does, Lee is going to win. Lee was a deer in a world full of headlights, while Crystal was the picture of calm (hippie) professionalism. Lee was uneven, pitchy and amateurish, while Crystal was invested, take-charge and spectacular (Simon was right, making “Black Velvet” interesting to listen to is as hard as fixing the economy). Lee biffed his final number, Crystal brought the house down. The judges seemed eager to tell Lee he was failing, and couldn’t jump high enough to stroke Crystal’s gross dreads. None of it matters. Crystal is about to join the exclusive club of Idol runner-ups who are better than their victors.

The producers started the mistake. Crystal was too far ahead from the beginning, a runaway winner. Worried the season would be boring, the judges started pushing other, lesser Idolists. Anyone remember the shortlived reign of Siobhan? Or the minute-long memory of a Tim Urban dark horse victory parade? But as the season wore on it became clear Lee was the patsy to beat. Suddenly he was pulling the anchor spot, getting a bagpipe backup and lauded with praise from the judges. And Crystal? She got her props, but it was always an afterthought, the presumed finalist. She couldn’t have been taken for granted more. Now look where we are.

In every way, Crystal Bowersox outshines Lee DeWyze. She is a better singer and musician. She is a better role model for aspiring Idolists. She opens far more interesting avenues for next season’s talent pool. She is unique, whip-smart and timeless. She is in the mold of the best and most successful former American Idols (Carrie and Kelly). Most importantly, she will sell more records. But don’t tell that to America, ’cause they want Lee.

Apparently, we haven’t gotten our fix of generic bland alt-rocker boys, ’cause we’re about to crown a third in a row (and our picks are getting more generic, more bland and less alt). And that’s just not OK. For this, and the above reasons, the departure of Simon, the misfire of Ellen DeGeneres, Randy’s continued uselessness, the diminishing of Ryan’s natural wonders owing to forced gusto over lacking Idolists, a scary decline in production quality, time management and contestant choice, for the fact that we’re batting .225 in winners picked (and that’s generous) and the fact the show is just too damn long, I suggest we call it a day on this once transcendent reality show.

Enjoy the finale for the spectacle and travesty that it is. Say your goodbyes to Simon. Gaze lovingly at Ryan Seacrest one more time. Visit Randy’s dog pound. Fake laugh at Ellen’s fake jokes. Be put off by Kara, again. Try to remember that day four hundred years ago when we were all in love with Didi Benami. Relive the mistake that was Andrew Garcia. Laugh at the rest of the talentless kids we put through this year. Marvel at the Idol Elders, all better in a blink than Lee is in a whole evening of effort. And then watch as he is crowned the next American Idol, while Crystal politely congratulates him, the judges force themselves to be happy for him, the Top 12 duly crowd around him, and he brutally murders U2’s “Beautiful Day.”

When that is all said and done, America, I suggest we follow the advice of our country’s greatest TV personality and call a “Seacrest OUT!” on this mistake of a season.

Thank you for sticking with me through the season, PCNers, I hope you enjoyed the reviews.

Jason OUT!

Photos: FOX