Yeah, yeah, it’s exec produced by Steven Spielberg, stars Anjelica Huston and Debra Messing, has big musical numbers…but is it any good? Well, it’s technically impressive, but after finishing the pilot episode of Smash (premiering Monday, Feb. 6 at 10/9c on NBC), I still had a hard time locating its heart.

The story revolves around the songwriting team of Tom and Julia (Christian Borle and Messing) trying to find the perfect actress to play Marilyn Monroe in a Broadway production about her life. We see a room full of wannabes and one bad audition and by the end of the pilot, it looks like it’s down to just two contenders: blond and curvy Ivy Lynn (Megan Hilty, Wicked) and doe-eyed brunette Karen Cartwright (Katharine McPhee, American Idol). Ivy is a chorus girl itching to strut her stuff in a lead role, while Karen is a waitress from Iowa who’s so green, she immediately jumps at the chance to go over to the director’s home at 10 p.m. for a one-on-one “coaching session.” Uh huh. That’s not just being a naive actress; that’s being a stupid female.

Hilty

Both Hilty and McPhee have superb singing voices, but so far, neither Ivy nor Karen seems like a shoo-in to play Monroe. Ivy has the Broadway experience, is more dynamic while performing, looks more like the iconic actress, but there’s a been-around-the-block hardness to her character that wouldn’t be right for Marilyn, who’s softer around the edges. Karen has more of the innocence, but she’s so inexperienced as an actress that I, too, would hesitate to put my money on her to carry a big Broadway production. This is part of the conflict of Smash, since the creative team is having trouble deciding between the two. (Isn’t there a third choice? It’s New York!)

McPhee

In the real world, though, Hilty is obviously the stronger actress. Putting McPhee up against her is like scheduling a fight between Jet Li and a kid who just started studying martial arts two weeks ago. The running gag in the show is that producers keep calling Karen “light” when rejecting her for roles and she doesn’t know what that means (she does eventually find out). The description is apropos, though, because McPhee is a lightweight compared to Hilty. Some of McPhee’s performance looks stilted, her movements are affectations, as if she’s not yet settled into the role.

Messing, whose work I enjoyed on Will & Grace, hasn’t found her footing, either, as Julia. She has a couple scenes in which she isn’t quite convincing as a workaholic taking on two new projects at the same time: trying to adopt a child and producing an original musical. The actress was playing Julia’s dilemma in a dramatic fashion, but it seems as if she just wanted to burst out and do something goofy. Anjelica Huston is formidable as usual, but her producer character is—as of now—secondary (she brings money to the table). It’s more about the dream and the passion and sweat and tears, and yes, some of it is kind of cheesy.

But there is a big, glossy baseball number (because Marilyn was married to Joe DiMaggio), and if you like peeking behind the curtains of a big theatrical production, seeing the training and rehearsals and possible catfights that happen along the way to opening night, this might be the ticket for you.

Note: If you can’t wait until Monday, the entire pilot is available now as a free download on iTunes.

Nerd verdict: Not quite Smashing but has potential

Photos: NBC

Wow, I was bored throughout this show, despite the fact it’s produced by my union and I got to vote for the awards. I can’t even do a best & worst list because the show was, ah, listless and predictable. (Except for when Tina Fey took Steve Buscemi’s wine glass from him and chugged it.) It got to the point where I was happy people didn’t show up to accept their awards because then the show could move closer to its conclusion.

I did wake up a little when Jean Dujardin won best actor for The Artist because, while I adore George Clooney, I liked Dujardin’s performance more. After he won, I crossed my fingers for Michelle Williams to pull an upset, too, for her transformative work in My Week with Marilyn, but I’m good with Viola Davis’s win for The Help.

I voted for Artist for best movie ensemble (wonder if Uggie would’ve gotten an Actor?) but Help‘s win is fine. I did wish, though, that Cicely Tyson had been allowed to make the acceptance speech since 1) she’s a legend, 2) Davis already had her moment when she won her individual award, and 3) Davis herself said Tyson was the reason she wanted to be an actor when she was eight years old.

Anyway, the rest of the winners are:

Supporting actress in a motion picture: Octavia Spencer for The Help

Supporting actor in a motion picture: Christopher Plummer for Beginners

TV drama ensemble: Boardwalk Empire

TV comedy ensemble: Modern Family

Actress in TV drama series: Jessica Lange for American Horror Story

Actor in TV drama series: Steve Buscemi in Boardwalk Empire

Actress in TV comedy series: Betty White for Hot in Cleveland

Actor in TV comedy series: Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock (he’s hilarious but pleeeease give it to someone else next year! Six is enough for this role!)

Actress in a TV movie or miniseries: Kate Winslet for Mildred Pierce

Actor in a TV movie or miniseries: Paul Giamatti for Too Big to Fail

Movie stunt ensemble: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

TV stunt ensemble: Game of Thrones

Even the fashion was ho-hum, not many eye poppers or obvious train wrecks. Some highlights:

1. Michelle Williams. I love that she wore a bright color, and the Valentino is very pretty, but the shoes look a little mall-ish.

2. Viola Davis. Fantastic gown; not sure about the hair, though. Perhaps pulled back and sleek would have been better for a whole goddess-like look.

3. Sofia Vergara. This color is smashing on her, but she still stayed safe in the same body-hugging silhouette she usually wears.

4. Jessica Chastain. The vibrant blue is much better than the white she wore to the Globes, and it’s striking against her red hair, but overall the dress is pretty dull.

5. Shailene Woodley. This dress didn’t make sense to me at all. Maybe she was going for a Hawaiian motif to represent The Descendants?

6. Lea Michele. This made me think of Dave Matthews’s “Crash into Me” lyrics: If she hikes up her skirt a little more, she’d show her world to everyone.

7. Jennifer Carpenter. This is one of my favorites. It might be shorter and more casual, but the beading and details are beautiful, and the dress looks perfect for a sunny, almost 80-degrees day.

8. Emma Stone. She’s so adorable, she can wear whatever she wants.

9. Tilda Swinton. You know you’re in for a slow night when even her gown looks drab.

10. Angelina Jolie. The draping is very sensual, and the metallic gives it a touch of rock ‘n’ roll, but it’s black. Zzzzzzzzzz.

11. Naya Rivera. I’m tired of looking at her breasts at every award show. If it’s not front cleavage, it’s side boobs. We get that you’re hot, now try something classy next time.

12. Emily Blunt. This is a difficult color to wear, but she looks stunning in it. The fit of the gown is divine.

13. Meryl Streep. Mr. PCN said he kept expecting her to pull out a lightsaber from her Jedi-looking outfit.

14. Rose Byrne. She said she was inspired by Michelle Pfeiffer’s Scarface look. Works for me.

15. Regina King. We end with my favorite of the evening. It makes me think of spring.

Which were your favorites?

3:06 Kelly Osbourne, one of the commentators, says that from where she’s sitting, she could literally reach out and touch the stars as they get out of their limos. She couldn’t, ergo she doesn’t know what “literally” means. I want to punch myself in the head whenever someone misuses that word.

3:13 Claire Danes looks great. Her black and white gown is so…interesting. Ooh, the back is really cool!

3:15 Jessica Chastain‘s hair looks dull, not its usual vibrant red. The white Givenchy dress washes her out, too. Since her complexion is so pale, she needs more color, not less.

3:16 OMG, UGGIE IN A BOWTIE STANDING UP ON HIS HIND LEGS FOR THE PAPARAZZI! Best moment on the carpet so far.

3:24 Sarah Michelle Gellar just showed up. Her I Dream of Jeannie ponytail is cute, but Mr. PCN says her dress looks like a tie-dyed tent. Her two-year-old picked it out, which explains it. It’s not horrible, just…messy.

3:29 Paula Patton looks radiant in sunflower yellow. Best accessory? Her big smile. Almost everyone else looks stuck-up, pissed-off, or constipated, but she looks like she’s having a blast!

3:32 Kelly Osbourne has no idea what “monochromatic” means, either, since she used the word to describe Claire Danes’s dress, which has two colors: black and white. She’s making me reach for migraine meds.

3:33 Shailene Woodley looks too matronly. Her Marchesa dress is lovely…for a much older woman. Her hair in that bun is not helping. You’re 19, Shailene! Everyone else is trying to look your age; you should, too.  

3:39 Sofia Vergara usually pops in vibrant color, but she’s wearing a subdued blue Vera Wang tonight, which is kind of boring, especially since it’s the kind of mermaid/body-hugging silhouette she usually wears. Mr. PCN remarks that when she poses with her back to the photogs, she’s basically saying, “Look at my ass!”

3:42 Octavia Spencer looks lovely in lavender. This is a great color on her.

3:45 Freida Pinto is a gorgeous woman, but the blue poofy textured dress makes her look twice her size. Mr. PCN: “It looks like painted elephant skin.”

3:47 Julie Bowen is Old Hollywood classy, so beautiful in her Reem Acra dress. Her ’40s-style hair perfectly complements the gown.

3:50 Who knew Rooney Mara had dimples? Adorable. I’ve never seen her smile (well, she’s not smiling in this photo, only when she was talking to Ryan Seacrest). Her dress is a little predictable, and it looks too big on her. She’s worn edgier ones on her international promotional tour for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

3:54 The Deschanel sisters, Emily and Zooey, are posing together. They’re cute, but their dresses are bad. Emily’s is ill-fitting, and Zooey’s is just not attractive. Not feeling Z’s sideburns, but she has tuxedo nails! Best thing about her outfit, bar none.

3:56 Charlize Theron looks like a sexy fairytale princess, with her sparkly headband and plunging pink Dior gown. None of this would look good on me, but I find it striking on her.

4:01 My first wow moment: Angelina Jolie. White satin Atelier Versace dress that fits like second skin and the red accents and hair and red lips = perfection. No one will be able to top this.

4:10 Evan Rachel Wood looks like she killed a bunch of crows and glued their feathers to the bottom of her dress.

4:13 Mr. PCN says Salma Hayek is wearing the top of the Transamerica Building on her chest. I don’t have a better description. That’s not to say I didn’t like it. It’s unusual, and I like it when stars go for something different.

4:25 Michelle Williams has perfect posture as usual, and she’s more adorable than puppies, but her dress is unfortunate. It looks like drapes at a bed and breakfast. Headbands must be the new trend. Don’t think I’m on board.

4:31 Nicole Kidman‘s dress is an architectural wonder. Impressive, lots going on, but it works. It gets the most unique award.

4:32 I never realized Reese Witherspoon was so, ah, busty. Her loose hair and the big grin indicate she and the girls are ready to party!

4:37 Dianna Agron says her dress is laser cut swans, but Mr. PCN says she’s just wearing red doilies from head to toe.

4:38 Mr. PCN: “If you make Lea Michele‘s dress green, she’s Poison Ivy in Batman & Robin.” That’s it, exactly!

So, the best dress goes to Angelina Jolie, with Charlize Theron in second. Honorable mention goes to someone whose outfit wasn’t featured in the E! coverage, but who deserves kudos for being in a class of her own. Tilda Swinton sometimes confuses me with her style statements, but I think this one is stunning.

Whose gowns did you love? Who did you think must have gotten dressed while drunk?

5:02 After coming out and saying, “So, where was I?” Ricky Gervais’s statement that “the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars, but without all that esteem” made me chuckle.

5:03 Gervais says the Hollywood Foreign Press Association gave him a list of things he couldn’t do: “No profanity. That’s fine; I’ve got a huge vocabulary. No nudity. See, that’s a shame ’cause I’ve got a huge…vocabulary, but a tiny penis.” Haha! Way to make fun of yourself first, Ricky.

5:05 Talking about Bridesmaids, he said, “The girls finally proved that they could be as raunchy as the men—farting, burping, cursing, performing wild sex acts, even pooping in the sink. I actually heard, for research, the cast spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirren. She’s dreadful…off the rails.” Ooh, I’d love to spend the weekend with Helen Mirren. Who wouldn’t?

5:07 Love that Gervais put first presenter Johnny Depp on the spot by asking him if he’d seen The Tourist. Depp: “No.”

5:09 Depp reads nominees for best supporting actor in a motion picture. We all know it’s going to be Christopher Plummer. Yup, no surprise. Yay! Cosmo (the Jack Russell terrier who plays Plummer’s character’s dog in the movie) gets a shout-out in his thank-you speech!

6:00 Seth Rogen comes out to present with Kate Beckinsale and says, “I’m Seth Rogen and I’m trying to conceal a huge erection right now.” Gross. No one wants to hear or think about that.

6:01 So happy for Michelle Williams winning best actress in a comedy or musical film! The movie is neither comedic nor musical, but who cares? She’s magnificent as Marilyn Monroe and the race really shouldn’t be between Meryl and Viola. Love how she thanked her daughter for enduring months of bedtime stories being read to her by Williams in a Marilyn voice.

6:07 It’s the battle of the huge dresses between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Piper Perabo. “My dress is bigger than yours. Give me your lunch money!” Gellar may have slayer skills but I think Perabo takes this one since her dress can be used as a parachute.

6:08 Peter Dinklage wins best TV supporting actor for Game of Thrones. He shared that his mother said, “Have fun, but have you seen Mildred Pierce? Guy Pearce is really good and he’s going to win.” He thanks moms for keeping us humble. Aww. As if that weren’t sweet enough, he says he’s anxious because it’s his new baby’s first night with a sitter, then he mentions he’s been thinking about someone named Martin Henderson and tells us to “Google it” as music plays him off the stage. Here‘s what he was talking about. Henderson’s story is quite sobering.

6:22 It’s cute how Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy sang while presenting best supporting TV actress, but why? It’s not a musical category.

6:45 Matt LeBlanc wins for playing himself on the comedy series Episodes! Well, a version of himself. The LeBlanc in the show wouldn’t win a Globe.

6:57 Sydney Poitier comes out to present Cecil B. DeMille award to Morgan Freeman and gets a standing O. Wow, he can sure rule the room. Love Morgan, but I may have to take a food break since these tributes run forEVAH. Oh wait, Helen Mirren! My goodness, is there no end to her amazingness? Hmm. That Driving Miss Daisy joke about driving on the wrong/right side of the road is kind of bombing but she’s so sassy, she’s making it work. She and Freeman should do more movies together! Oh my gosh, why is he taking a bubble bath in a casket? That clip is so weird and great!

7:11 Scorsese win best director for Hugo. No! Wrong!

7:19 Modern Family wins best comedy series. Sofia Vergara and co-creator/exec producer Steven Levitan get to make the acceptance speech, with Vergara speaking in Spanish and Levitan “translating.” Here’s what she said, according to him: “Thank you to the Modern Family writers, who are so funny and so sexy. Film actresses, do yourselves a favor…and give them your phone numbers. They may look pasty and nervous and out of shape, but they’re the best lovers I’ve ever had. Seriously.” No idea what Vergara really said, but would love to know, especially since she made repeated references to presenters Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek.

7:23 Yay, Michelle Pfeiffer! She’s introducing a clip for War Horse. Producers, please employ her more.

7:25 Oh dear, Jessica Biel’s dress makes her look like she’s wearing soap bubbles after stepping out of the bath. Her pronunciation of Jean Dujardin’s name is perfect, though. And he wins best actor in a comedy or musical film! Not a surprise, but still fun, since we’ll get to hear him talk. He says an agent once told him his face is too expressive, too big, and that he’d never be able to do film [where reactions are more intimate]. It’s a good thing Dujardin proved that agent wrong, because his face is what makes The Artist work. It’s so expressive, no words are needed to indicate what he’s feeling. Oh, love how he ended the speech with a silent bit!

7:34 Gervais introduces Colin Firth by rattling off his attributes—Oscar winner, beloved by women, etc.—but then says what we don’t know is that Firth is “very racist…also, I’ve seen him punch a little blind kitten.” Not gonna work, Ricky. We still love him.

7:35 Meryl Streep wins best dramatic film actress for The Iron Lady. Oh, goodness, what in the world is she wearing? Mr. PCN says she looks like she’s dressed for a hoedown. She begins her speech by saying, “When Ricky Gervais’s deal fell through and it came to me to play Margaret Thatcher…” Ha! And then she got bleeped for saying “shit” when she realized she didn’t bring her glasses on stage.

7:41 The Artist wins for best comedy or musical film, and Uggie takes the stage with the creative team! He’s doing tricks and everything! I felt a little bad that he was pulling focus from producer Thomas Langmann, who was trying to give a heartfelt speech involving his late father, but how often do you get to see a dog accept a Golden Globe for best picture?

7:50 As expected, George Clooney win best dramatic movie actor. He goes from graciously paying tribute to his buddy Brad Pitt for his performances and humanitarian work, to thanking Michael Fassbender “for taking over the frontal nudity responsibility that I had.” He also tells Fassbender, “You can play golf…with your hands behind your back.” That’s the umpteenth penis joke tonight. I think this is the most phallic Golden Globes ceremony in recent memory.

7:56 The Descendants wins best picture drama. I’m good with that, as long as The Artist takes the top prize at the Oscars next month.

For a complete list of Globes winners, go here. Here’s my fashion commentary. What did you like or dislike about the show?

The other show was NBC’s The Firm, taking up the story ten years after the events in the movie starring Tom Cruise as Mitch McDeere. Josh Lucas has taken over the role and boy, is he bland. I never thought I’d say, “I miss Tom Cruise.” He can be intense, while Lucas just looked frazzled and couldn’t hold my interest for two hours. So I can’t give it a verdict, because I bailed after about forty-five minutes, but that alone is a sign that—its title aside—the show didn’t hold up well.

Did you watch either? What did you think?

But I like to sample everything, and just like potato chips, I couldn’t stop at one episode. This thing sucked me in and next thing I knew, I was chatting up strangers at the supermarket and—gasp!—teenagers at the movie theater, saying, “Oh my gosh, slutty FauxAmanda needs to go away!” and “I can’t stand Tyler!” and “Can they please get rid of stupid Declan and annoying Charlotte?” I make my friends watch it, I’ve recommended it to my sister-in-law who’s on maternity leave, even Mr. PCN watches it with me.

If you haven’t tuned in yet, here’s the basic stuff you need to know. Emily VanCamp plays Emily Thorne, who arrives in the Hamptons and immediately takes up with Daniel, the handsome son of Victoria and Conrad Grayson, prominent figures in the social scene. Thing is, Emily is actually Amanda Clarke, who lived in the area as a little girl with her father, David, who was framed by the Graysons for a heinous crime and sent to prison, where he was killed. With the help of local rich boy Nolan, who knew her dad and remains loyal to him, Emily/Amanda is out to take down all the people responsible for ruining her life.

The word I hear most often about this show is that it’s addictive. All the nasty twists and turns, fabulous clothes, and bad people getting what they deserve add up to a satisfying hour every week that usually leaves me wanting more. The MVPs are undoubtedly VanCamp, nimbly switching between blond innocence and dark avenging angel, and the gorgeous Madeleine Stowe, who has mastered the art of smiling sweetly at people while her big soft brown eyes say she wants to stab them in the face. And Joshua Bowman, the British actor who maintains his American accent well as Daniel, has surprised me. I was prepared to hate his character but Bowman, with the help of the writers, has made Daniel quite likable, if a bit clueless about his friend Tyler.

**Spoilers if you haven’t seen the latest ep**

Ah, Tyler (Ashton Holmes). I don’t love to hate him, I don’t love anything about him, I just hate his ass. I detest his skeevy, two-faced, blackmailing ways and hope we won’t see him again anytime soon after he got hauled away by his brother. I am a bit disappointed he didn’t actually shoot somebody, though, before Jack and Daniel tackled him. There were a few characters around that dinner table I wouldn’t mind seeing eliminated—namely Declan (Connor Paolo), Charlotte (Christa B. Allen), and the useless party planner, Ashley (Ashley Madekwe). She should be killed just for entertaining the idea of Tyler as a boyfriend.

Oh well, I can’t have everything, but I would like to see the following happen as the show moves forward:

• Emily using some of her ninja training. When Nolan mentioned that she held back her inner ninja during the gun situation, I shouted at the TV, “Unleash it!” There are certainly plenty of people who deserve a good whupping, and I thought Victoria’s divorce lawyer, who was involved in the frame-up of David Clarke, was going to feel some pain from Emily after the way she looked at him when she recognized him.
• Ashley either contributing something valuable to the show or leaving the Hamptons. She showed a nasty side recently and I thought she was going to team up with Victoria against Emily, but she’s slipped back into uselessness, lurking in the background looking pretty and not doing much else. She did throw a snippy remark at Emily last night—”Empathy. You should try it sometime”—but it’s still not clear why she hangs around when Victoria treats her like a doormat and she can’t even pull off one stinkin’ event without some disaster happening. “Hey, come to the party I organized and you’ll get a gun pointed at your head! Or see yourself on video confessing your most embarrassing secrets to your shrink!” How does this girl keep her job?
• More people who were directly involved in the David Clarke situation destroyed. In the beginning, Emily took out a person a week, and while I’m glad the show expanded beyond that formula, we haven’t seen anyone taken down in a while.
• Tyler staying away permanently. The story is not about him. He’s just a distraction.
• Jack realizing that FauxAmanda is not the girl he fell in love with years ago. If love is a chemical reaction, and he didn’t feel it with FauxAmanda when he first met her, wouldn’t that clue him in that something’s not right?

What would you like to see happen? Are you sucked in by this show yet? If not, go here and get caught up now!

Photos: Top two—ABC/Colleen Hayes; bottom two—ABC/Carol Kaelson

Joy, an incredibly talented, funny, all-around amazing person, is the voice of Julie De Longpre, the adopted sister of the title character, an impossibly precocious seven-year-old boy (voiced by Jonah Hill). Allen’s two gay dads buy Julie off the Internet as if she’s an accessory and you can tell by the way she’s drawn that she’s thrilled.

You can get to know Julie and Joy a little better in this video:

Being the in-depth investigative journalist that I am, I had additional burning questions for Joy.

Pop Culture Nerd: If the De Longpres hadn’t bought Julie online, how much do you think she would’ve gone for on eBay?

Joy Osmanski: I have no doubt that Julie would have inspired a serious bidding war. Maybe for all the wrong reasons, but nonetheless.

PCN: How does she feel about fellow Cambodian baby Maddox getting adopted by Angelina and Brad while she got the De Longpres?

JO: Maddox got totally shafted.

PCN: If she rented out her forehead as a billboard, what product(s) would she advertise?

JO: She probably wouldn’t have an ethical dilemma with, say, Halliburton ad space, but if Apple came knocking, Julie would get a tattoo of Steve Jobs on her forehead.

PCN: Since this is a voiceover gig, what do you wear while working, if anything?

JO: I’ve found that I work best in a filmy negligee worn over a hair shirt. It’s not a formula, per se, but it unleashes my creative genius in a way that no one dares question. Probably because they fear me.

PCN: Oh, man, I’m going online and buying a hair shirt right now.

Thanks so much to Joy for stopping by! Check out Allen Gregory tonight and we’ll be like this:

If not, we’ll give you these faces:

Which would you prefer?

Prime Suspect

Phew, it’s not terrible! I’m sure I wasn’t alone in approaching this with trepidation. The original BBC version and Helen Mirren as DCI Jane Tennison had such a huge impact on me, how could this American adaptation measure up? By being a different show. After a few minutes, I stopped comparing the two and settled into appreciating Maria Bello’s performance as New York homicide detective Jane Timoney. Bello is a ball buster and has the acting chops to make Timoney tough without looking like she’s trying too hard. Bello’s presence is strong enough that she’ll elevate the show just by walking and talking.

It did seem anachronistic that the male cops in the precinct were so sexist toward her, insinuating that she slept her way onto the squad. What year is this? Granted, it’s based on a show that first aired twenty years ago but this version is set in the present. Male chauvinists are probably still everywhere, but since Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson has been commanding a whole division of male detectives with respect on The Closer for years, the sexism felt like a step backward in time and not a very interesting source of conflict. Let’s hope Timoney proves herself to them soon and that storyline can go away. Nerd verdict: Bello is in her Prime.

Person of Interest

There are many impressive names attached to this show—Jonathan Nolan (Oscar-nominated co-writer of Memento and the Batman movies with his brother Christopher), Oscar-nominated Taraji P. Henson, Lost‘s J.J. Abrams and Michael Emerson, etc. But the MVP is star James Caviezel. He can be the most interesting person in a scene without saying anything. At the beginning of the pilot, his character, John Reese, is sitting on the subway looking like a homeless man, minding his own business when a bunch of thugs get on. Reese is completely still and may even be drunk or half asleep, but somehow Caviezel manages to exude an intensity that lets you know an explosion is about to happen. That intensity and stillness are what make him so riveting. His eyes are more expressive than his words sometimes, and when he does speak, it’s often in low, soft tones that just make him more intimidating. The premise of two men having foreknowledge of crimes and teaming up to prevent them is different enough to make this show intriguing, and I hope the formidable Henson will get more to do in future episodes. Nerd verdict: Caviezel makes Person very interesting.

Charlie’s Angels

I don’t know where to start with this one. The atrocious acting? Cheesy dialogue? Just overall what-the-hellness? The original was no masterpiece but it was campy fun. This one played it straight and was determined to give us one cringe-inducing moment after another. Worst offender was Ramon Rodriguez as Bosley. He must have gone to the Adam West school of acting because he kept pausing in weird places while saying his lines, as if he were waiting for his closeup before he would complete the dialogue. Minka Kelly has one facial expression and a monotone that indicated no emotional inner life. Rachael Taylor has the two most dreadful lines in the pilot: “We’re angels, not saints,” and “I didn’t know my heart could hurt this much.” I didn’t know my head could hurt this much until I watched this show. Nerd verdict: Lifeless Angels.

Unforgettable

This is the type of show I’d probably watch if it were the only new programming among a night of reruns. Poppy Montgomery stars as Carrie Wells, a former NY cop who has HSAM—highly superior autobiographical memory—which allows her to remember everything she’s ever experienced. Well, except who killed her sister when they were kids playing in the woods. Apparently the trauma is blocking her memory. Anyway, she helps solve the murder of a neighbor and it looks like she’ll be back on the force by the next episode and working alongside her former flame, Detective Al Burns (Dylan Walsh).

Though Carrie’s ability is unusual, this is a pretty standard police procedural, in which you can figure out who the villain is at the half-hour mark and aren’t thrown by any of the red herrings. The pacing is somewhat slow and dreamlike, especially when she’s revisiting her memories to bring up facts. Montgomery needs to relax into the role more; right now she’s doing a lot of affected readings. The most interesting thing for me is that actress Marilu Henner is a consultant because she has HSAM (for more info, go here) and will be appearing on the show later this season as Carrie’s aunt…who has Alzheimer’s. Nerd verdict: Unforgettable‘s title is hyperbolical.

Did you watch any of these? What’d you think?

The X Factor

This show was a giant mess, including everything from a guy who made Paula physically sick with the sight of his penis, a 61-year-old woman wailing “I Touch Myself,” and a 70-day-sober trash collector who performed a song he wrote called “Young Homie.” That last one, Chris Rene, did a decent enough job to go through to the next round, but there were many moments during the show when I was bored out of my mind or horrified by what I saw and not in an entertaining way. The feud montage between L.A. Reid and Simon Cowell, showing them disagreeing on many of the wannabes, was ridiculous filler, trying to play up drama that isn’t there. American Idol has many flaws, but at least that show doesn’t give the singers backing tracks, nor does it allow them to sing entire songs when auditioning. When an act is obviously bad, like 70-year-old Dan and 83-year-old Venita giving new meaning to the word “unchained” in “Unchained Melody,” they should be cut off after a few bars to prevent our ears from bleeding. Nerd verdict: X as in wrong.

New Girl

Zooey Deschanel is naturally quirky and likable, but the humor seems forced and, worse, not funny. Deschanel’s character, Jess, actually makes her glasses pop up and down on her head and makes cartoonish noises to show how she’s checking out a hot guy. Really? And her three male roommates would let her commandeer the TV for hours at a time to watch Dirty Dancing over and over? I don’t think so. And I’m saying this as someone who also loves Dirty Dancing and once lived with male roomies. None of the guys seems very interesting—one shouts at women, another insists on removing his shirt, and the last is still moping over being dumped by his girlfriend. The funniest actor of the three, Damon Wayans, Jr., has been replaced since his series Happy Endings got picked up (that show is much funnier), which makes me even less interested in seeing future episodes. Nerd verdict: Not exciting or New.

2 Broke Girls

Kat Dennings is appealing as Max, the cupcake-making waitress, and Beth Behrs does what she can as Caroline, the rich girl whose Madoff-y dad turns her into a broke social outcast. It’s not the actress’s fault that Caroline is a little annoying, though I suspect she’ll have more colors as the season progresses. Caroline supposedly went to Wharton so at least she won’t be a dumb blond. The show is unremarkable, but it’s helped quite a bit by Dennings’s warm grounding presence. Nerd verdict: Girls should just have more fun.

Ringer

I read in Entertainment Weekly that this show was inspired by Blood Simple. Huh? The Coen brothers’ movie was dark and so suspenseful, I left deep finger marks in the armrests of my chair at the theater. This show is melodramatic without even trying to play it as camp. That scene showing Bridget making the decision to assume her twin Siobhan’s identity while saying in voiceover, “I had no choice!” was soapier than my Irish Spring.

And what’s with the weird green-screen effect while the twins are in the boat right before Siobhan disappears? They’re supposedly speeding along the water but the background looks about as realistic as the scenery through the back windshields of cars when people drive in old ’40s movies. Sarah Michelle Gellar is watchable, but her costars haven’t made much of an impression yet. Kristoffer Polaha, who plays Siobhan’s lover, has never impressed me in anything so I’m not holding my breath for him to get interesting. Though the show is not really my style, it does have me wondering what the heck these twins are up to, so I might tune in again and fast forward through the cringy stuff to get to the answers. Nerd verdict: Needs more noir for viewers to Ring(er) twice.

Modern Family

This is obviously not a new show (hooray for its Best Comedy Emmy!) but I wanted to check out the new Lily since Ella and Jaden Hiller were replaced over the summer by Aubrey Anderson-Emmons. Though I was a little concerned by how unresponsive the Hiller twins were to stimuli (at least on camera), I loved their stoic little trouper faces, as if they had to suffer the shenanigans of the silly adults around them. Now, Lily talks and smiles a lot more. At first, I thought Anderson-Emmons might be too conventionally cutesy, until the second episode when she turns into an infanticidal toddler, which is hilarious. Cam and Mitchell are thinking of adopting another child and Lily’s not having it. Best line of the night came when Mitch asks Cam, “Why are you saying ‘thing’ instead of baby?” and Lily muttered from off camera: “Kill the baby.” By the end of the two episodes, I was on board with this new Lily. Nerd verdict: Good for Lily to have more Family interaction.

Which shows have you seen? Got any favorites yet?

From L: Samuel, Damian, Lindsay, Alex

After ten weeks of competition, I was rooting for Damian to win this thing, which would get him a seven-episode arc on Glee. He’s the most likable, the underdog everyone roots for, and producers Ryan Murphy and Ian Brennan already had the potentially funny idea of bringing him on as an exchange student who confuses the already befuddled Brittany with his thick Irish brogue. The other three contenders—Samuel, Lindsay, and Alex—all have their strengths but they also rubbed me the wrong way at times.

Samuel has one facial expression—an intense stare—and never mentioned his religion until he found out Murphy was interested in writing a Christian character. Suddenly, he’s a super devout guy, peppering his conversations with “God” and “Jesus.”

Lindsay, who undeniably has an amazing voice and great camera presence, is too musical theater. She was perky until she was told she came across fake and then she was crying all the time to show she can be vulnerable. Drama! She’s too much like Rachel and one is enough.

Alex, with the biggest voice of them all, behaves like a diva who sometimes thought he was better than everyone else, going so far as to say he had to underperform one week to give someone else a chance to shine. Puh-lease.

Yes, they were probably edited a certain way and we can’t trust everything we see, even in “reality” shows, but Damian went through the same editing process and never made a false note, never misbehaved, never said a mean thing about anyone.

So, it had to be him, with the Irish accent and adorable face and positive attitude and crooner’s voice. I was surprised at how tense I was right before the winner was announced. My future Tuesday-night viewing pleasure was at stake! Thankfully Murphy didn’t drag it out (take note, American Idol).

*SPOILERS*

Alex was the first of the top four to be told he didn’t win. Then Lindsay. So it came down to Damian and Samuel. When Murphy told Samuel he was the winner, I shouted “Wrongness!” at the TV. Damian stepped up and said Samuel deserved it, showing grace in a moment that must have been devastating for him. That’s why it was so gratifying to hear Murphy say that Damian won a seven-ep arc on the show, too! His reaction was the kind that underdogs have at the end of sports movies when they score a last-minute touchdown or an impossible goal. I’m excited that those who haven’t been watching The Glee Project—judging by the ratings, I’d say that’s a lot of people—will get to witness Damian’s charm on the mother-ship show. I predict he’ll become a fan favorite and get to stay longer than seven weeks.

But wait, Murphy wasn’t done. He decided to give Lindsay and Alex two episodes each. So, everybody wins! Some viewers might gripe at this but I thought it was a nice twist. These kids have real talent and have worked hard the past ten weeks, so what’s wrong with letting them know that their dreams might change shape but can still come true? Why must gripping television always include soul-crushing disappointment? I say let them continue to laugh, sing and dance, and good on Murphy for showing that not everyone in Hollywood is heartless.

UPDATES: Damian talks about his win here and Lindsay books a job as Snow White.

Photos: Oxygen