Deep Thoughts from Dave Barry

Since I’ve been waiting six years for humor columnist Dave Barry to write another novel for adults—2001’s Big Trouble and 2003’s Tricky Business were hilarious—I occasionally Google him to see what he’s doing besides co-writing the Starcatcher books for young readers with Ridley Pearson.

I found him on Twitter where his tweets rocked me with laughter. Here’s someone who knows how to use this social platform to entertain, not provide inane chatter about the burrito he had for lunch like many others do. If you’ve never read Barry, you might be inclined to check out his past work if you happen to stumble upon his tweets.

Want to test this theory? Scroll through the small sampling below (plus the rest here if you have time) then tell me whether you’d like to check out his books. Warning: Do not consume liquids while reading or they might exit through the wrong cavity.

Some of Barry’s tweets:

  • The hair-dryer tag says “WARN CHILDREN OF THE RISK OF DEATH BY ELECTRIC SHOCK!” But how often? Daily? And which children?
  • I just acquired a follower named “AssScratcher.” It is difficult to describe my feelings about this.
  • You know how to get captured terrorists to talk? Put them in a “spinning” class. They wouldn’t last 10 minutes. I know I don’t.
  • TODAY’S TIP: If you have a dog, make sure the door is closed FIRMLY when you go to the bathroom. Never mind why I am telling you this.
  • There is nothing quite like a flight to LaGuardia. Except maybe the last chopper out of Saigon.
  • What should be the penalty for drivers who don’t go when the light turns green? Today I am thinking: Death.
  • I just got a spam email with the subject line: “Read or you’re gay.”
  • To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.
  • Driving to Disney World for a soccer tournament. On Memorial Day Weekend. Hope the turnpike service plazas sell heroin.
  • You know who is always fantastically stupid? The person in line directly ahead of you.
  • Overheard just now in doctor’s waiting room: “Can you give me a urine sample?” “Here?” “Well not RIGHT here.”
  • There should be some kind of Nintendo DS system for cows, because they have a LOT of spare time.
  • New York City Update: I just watched an extremely determined woman somehow park an SUV in a space the length of a cocker spaniel.
  • I am still not totally convinced that olives are not the eyeballs of very large frogs.
  • What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.


  • Reply
    August 10, 2009 at 1:07 am

    Not only I have an urge to read his work, but find myself in agreement with a lot of his tweets!

    He seems like one of those authors who are true to his work… don’t you think?

  • Reply
    Shelley P
    August 10, 2009 at 3:23 am

    Not sure which of your tips is better, PCN: encouraging me to read Dave Barry’s tweets, or cautioning me to avoid fluids when doing same!

  • Reply
    August 10, 2009 at 10:53 am

    I want to know what the dog did when he left the bathroom door open!

    Always been a Dave Barry fan. Thanks for letting me know he tweets funny as well.

  • Reply
    August 10, 2009 at 11:08 am

    I just cracked up my cubemates reading those tweets. Almost makes me want to sign up for Twitter. Almost. Thanks for keeping me in the know, PCN. 🙂

  • Reply
    Pop Culture Nerd
    August 10, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    Poncho, I agree with most of them, too! His books and columns have the same sense of humor (at least the adult ones; I haven’t read the Starcatcher series).

    Shelley P, glad you weren’t drinking anything. Coffee through the nose is NOT fun.

    Reader#9, just my imagination of what the dog did is making me laugh.

    Debbie, you don’t need a Twitter account to read the rest of his tweets. Just click here.

  • Reply
    August 10, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    So…what DID the dog do?

    Never followed Mr. Barry til now. I think I am officially a fan.

    BTW: The “Fantastically Stupid” person is ALWAYS in front of me at the grocery store. You know the one….they pull out their checkbook AFTER everything has been rung up and bagged…..Ohhhhhh, don’t get me started on THAT person!

    • Reply
      Pop Culture Nerd
      August 10, 2009 at 4:32 pm

      You mean the one who pulls out the checkbook but doesn’t have a pen or I.D. when the cashier asks for it?

      • Reply
        August 10, 2009 at 6:31 pm

        I know that person ARB is speaking of. I run into them every freakin’ time I go to the grocery store at night. They are doing their shopping for the weekend (on a Wednesday?), their cart is stacked high and none of the store staff see them coming, so they’re all on a break. And they leave the “new” person to mind the store. I don’t blame the staff, really. Who could conceive that someone like that would decide to buy enough food for the rest of the month in the middle of the week? That’s why they shut down the automated cashiers and only keep one cashier open.

        It’s what I imagine Hell will be like.

  • Reply
    August 10, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    I love Dave. Had to add his tweet “What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.” to my FB page. It’s like he knows me.

  • Reply
    August 15, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Great stuff, PCN. I’m going to have to give his books a read. Thanks.

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