Deep Thoughts from Dave Barry

Since I’ve been waiting six years for humor columnist Dave Barry to write another novel for adults—2001’s Big Trouble and 2003’s Tricky Business were hilarious—I occasionally Google him to see what he’s doing besides co-writing the Starcatcher books for young readers with Ridley Pearson.

I found him on Twitter where his tweets rocked me with laughter. Here’s someone who knows how to use this social platform to entertain, not provide inane chatter about the burrito he had for lunch like many others do. If you’ve never read Barry, you might be inclined to check out his past work if you happen to stumble upon his tweets.

Want to test this theory? Scroll through the small sampling below (plus the rest here if you have time) then tell me whether you’d like to check out his books. Warning: Do not consume liquids while reading or they might exit through the wrong cavity.

Some of Barry’s tweets:

• The hair-dryer tag says “WARN CHILDREN OF THE RISK OF DEATH BY ELECTRIC SHOCK!” But how often? Daily? And which children?
• I just acquired a follower named “AssScratcher.” It is difficult to describe my feelings about this.
• You know how to get captured terrorists to talk? Put them in a “spinning” class. They wouldn’t last 10 minutes. I know I don’t.
• TODAY’S TIP: If you have a dog, make sure the door is closed FIRMLY when you go to the bathroom. Never mind why I am telling you this.
• There is nothing quite like a flight to LaGuardia. Except maybe the last chopper out of Saigon.
• What should be the penalty for drivers who don’t go when the light turns green? Today I am thinking: Death.
• I just got a spam email with the subject line: “Read or you’re gay.”
• To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.
• Driving to Disney World for a soccer tournament. On Memorial Day Weekend. Hope the turnpike service plazas sell heroin.
• You know who is always fantastically stupid? The person in line directly ahead of you.
• Overheard just now in doctor’s waiting room: “Can you give me a urine sample?” “Here?” “Well not RIGHT here.”
• There should be some kind of Nintendo DS system for cows, because they have a LOT of spare time.
• New York City Update: I just watched an extremely determined woman somehow park an SUV in a space the length of a cocker spaniel.
• I am still not totally convinced that olives are not the eyeballs of very large frogs.
• What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.