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Girls’ Night: AMERICAN IDOL Season 9 – Top 10 Girls Perform

My predictions for the girls last week were dead wrong; let me own up to that right away. I forgot my Idol history, and was thus doomed to fail. If there’s one thing Top 24 has proved year after year is that the token hottie ALWAYS gets kicked off immediately (think Amy Krebs or Stevie Wright). I should have known Janell Wheeler would be toast.

With Ashley Rodriguez, that was owing to a lack of compelling personal story. Nearly every contestant this year has a tragedy in his or her life or a wacky background; Ashley was just like a prettier Jordin Sparks, not a reason to keep her around.

Staying with Top 24 Idol history, the two girls traditionally kicked off in Top 10 week are singers who just aren’t as dynamic as the rest of the group. They may be cool people with great style, but lack that oomph we want in a female Idol (think Alexandrea Lushington or Casey Carlson). This spells bad news for the Lacey Browns of the competition.

Let’s see how our girls did with an extra day to prepare. Here are reviews of the performances, from best to worst.

Siobhan Magnus – “Think”

Going after Aretha on this show is a dicey prospect. That is, unless you have a sneakily amazing voice like Siobhan. She absolutely cuh-rushed that big note. There were better performances tonight, but none as electric as hers. And Simon is right—she is strange, and oddly compelling. That slow speaking voice, which makes you really not sure what the next word is gonna be or when it will come? Intriguing. Aside from her wardrobe, Siobhan worked it out. She’s definitely one of the ones to watch.

Crystal Bowersox – “Long As I Can See the Light”

A professional performance from note one. I don’t know if it’s because she was in the hospital and now we’re inherently rooting for her to overcome and triumph, but there was a softness and likability to her tonight that we hadn’t seen before. Great song choice, wonderful tone, and as crazy as it sounds, she’s getting prettier as the weeks go on. Here’s what that all means: Jewel can officially retire from music now; her services are no longer required.

Katelyn Epperly – “The Scientist”

Aside from Siobhan, Katelyn is the most fun to hear talk. When she’s riffing with Simon or sparring with the judges, there’s a great confidence and intellect on display. That might be the key to her: she’s smart. It comes across on stage. Picking Coldplay was a master stroke, being the only person on the piano helped her to stand out, she took Kara’s style tips and looked incredible, and the vocal itself was wonderful—so sweet, so loving. I continue to be surprised by how much I like her.

Paige Miles – “Walk Away”

Oh, I get it now—she’s the big ’90s pop singer. That Mariah-on-“Dreamlover”-meets-“Miss Independent”-Kelly-Clarkson voice—we can work with that. She’s still not very exciting to watch, but she CAN sing. And picking Kelly to do, and then doing it well, is exactly the right way to stay in the competition. I was worried she was starting to get lost in the shuffle of quirky indie rockers that have infested the competition this year, but she’s standing out perfectly as a pop diva. Hers was the only nakedly fun performance of the night, and it probably kept her on the show.

Lilly Scott – “A Change Is Gonna Come”

What do we do with this girl? She’s playing up the kooky Bjork angle, which is fine artistically but makes for a very divisive position on the show. She’s not as talented as Crystal, not as likeable as Didi, and not as unique and sparkly as the Haeley/Siobhan/Katie trio, so how is she going to keep up her fanbase? And I completely disagree with the judges on her Sam Cooke. It was too talk-singy, passionless, slow and pitchy. She’ll be fine for now, but as the weeks go on and the field crowds around her, she’ll be pushed out. And the show will be better for it.

Haeley Vaughn – “The Climb”

OK, let’s just take a minute here to breathe. Taking on The Beatles is one thing; every precocious young singer tackles those legends at some point. But it’s a whole OTHER thing to go after Miley Cyrus. “The Climb” is universal perfection. You can’t just smile and throw glitter around. You have to BRING it. And Haeley cannot and did not bring it. Lispy, soundalike (in a bad way), weak, rushed, horrendous bridge into the first chorus, and the end was a travesty. Miley can rest easy, but Haeley should not. She’s in the doghouse until further notice. (She’s LUCKY she didn’t do “Party in the USA” or I would have rioted the set. Rioted!)

Didi Benami – “Lean On Me”

This was heartbreaking. The complete wrong song choice, even MORE indulgent than last week (get a better dictionary, Didi), a scratchy, uneven vocal, and a mediocre arrangement. What is our beloved Didi doing? Why would she ever not be playing her guitar? Why is she not doing Rilo Kiley or late-career Tori Amos? Hell, she could win the whole show if she just did Fiona Apple’s “Criminal”! I love how she invests herself into each song, really grabbing the emotions of the lyrics, but she’s stopped being fun to watch. It’s now like watching a baby take its first steps—you’re just waiting for her to trip and fall over. Sad, sad development here.

Katie Stevens – “Put Your Records On”

She’s a bouncy, cute girl with severe Tracy Flick issues. Trying WAY to hard, utterly unable to pick the right song (mostly because she has not spent even one second of her life considering what kind of artist she wants to be, or even what being an artist means), and oddly old-sounding and young-looking at the same time. Like Kara says, her instrument needs a TON of work. Give it 2-3 years and she could win American Idol. But this year? Not a chance.

Michelle Delamor – “With Arms Wide Open”

Done. Gone. See ya, Shells! I mean, Creed? Are you TRYING to get kicked off? You can soul it up all you want, Beyoncé the thing to death, Andrew Garcia that beat and it STILL wouldn’t matter. Because it’s Creed, and that’s a FAIL every day of the week and twice on Sunday! The only good thing to come out of Michelle’s slow, painful, Scott Stapp-ian performance is that it means Didi will be safe this week.

Lacey Brown – “Kiss Me”

Give her this much—she handled her first-week nerves like a champ. It seemed like she was even having fun. Let’s hope she did, because it’s going to be her last performance on the Idol stage. There is absolutely nothing dynamic about her; we would not miss her at all if she were gone. Fun look, nice person, nobody doesn’t love a little Sixpence None the Richer, but she’s just not important enough to keep around. The Idol history lesson never fails; Lacey will be kicked off.

So who do you think was better this week, the girls or the guys? Were you more or less affected by Crystal because of her recent hospitalization? Sound off in the comments!

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Surprise, Guys! AMERICAN IDOL Season 9 – Top 10 Guys Perform

by Jason Matthews

Darn that Crystal Bowersox! Why did she have to get sick and subject us to an early round of the guys? That’s a full five-point coolness deduction for keeping us from an aesthetically enjoyable Tuesday edition of American Idol. Let’s echo Ryan and hope she gets better in time to compete.

Fun fact: Idol has a history of contestants falling ill (Megan Joy, Carly Smithson and others), but this is the first time a whole episode of the show was changed as a result. It’ll be interesting to note how her votes will be affected by this development. And by “interesting” I of course mean “not interesting” because her votes will obviously go up (like she needed the help). Nothing helps a fan favorite like a brush with death. Just ask David Cook and his Top 24 heart palpitations.

Despite the scheduling frustrations, the guys proved to be a worthy substitute. To take a dunder-headed, neon-watch-wearing page from Randy Jackson, the guys were a million trillion thousand percent better than last week. Everyone shook off the first week jitters and actually came to play. Now we can properly sort out who should be here, who’s actually talented, independent of the biased pictures the producers painted for us during auditions and Hollywood Week (this might not be good news for Andrew Garcia).

Here are the reviews of each performer, in order of best to worst.

Alex Lambert – “Everybody Knows”

FOX/Frank Micelotta

A lead-in package about how nervous and inexperienced you are? Solid choice, A-Lambs! It’s always a good way to make us believe you could be the next American Idol by revealing your pre-game vomit session. Who are you trying to be, Doug Dorsey? (I wonder who the Kate Moseley would be in this Cutting Edge scenario? Ah, who am I kidding? It’s totally Siobhan Magnus!) Thankfully, it looks like he’s getting over his insecurities. Alex gave a great performance—nice tone, good control, great song choice, rocked an awesome blazer. If he keeps improving, he might be a dark horse in the competition.

Lee Dewyze – “Lips of an Angel”

Close your eyes and he could be ANY bland white frontman in rock today. This is not necessarily a bad thing, all things considered. Americans loves them some bland white frontmen; just ask Chris Daughtry’s soundalike self. The problem here is that Lee is nothing to look at, and it has nothing to do with setting his shoulder back. There isn’t anything dynamic about him, nothing unique about his style; he’s just a voice, good though it may be. As the weeks go on and the rest of the group catches up to him vocally, he’s gonna be in trouble.

Tim Urban – “Come On Get Higher”

Isn’t he basically Alex Lambert with a different style of mullet? And less good? Since we already HAVE a Zac Efron, and Glee already has Cory Monteith, Ellen is crazy to suggest Tim should give up singing and act. (Though that probably didn’t stop The Disney Channel from slipping a contract under his hotel-room door two nanoseconds later. And Vanessa Hudgens from sitting up a bit straighter.) Tim made big strides from last week—good performance, great control, nice vocal. With Simon’s blessing, he’ll be safe this week.

Todrick Hall – “What’s Love Got to Do with It?”

Lemme get this right. In an attempt to stay in the competition, he’s choosing NOT to whip out his amazing dance moves, pretty much the sole reason he is still here? Uh, FAIL. He should ALWAYS be dancing, never NOT dancing. Also? Always wearing a futuristic blazer and changing up classic pop song arrangements. Randy is dead wrong (as always) to tell Todrick not to make the songs his own. More than anything else, Idol is about artistry, showing us the recording star you will be after you leave the show. So why would they tell Todrick to be boring and bland? He’s doing the exact thing he’s expected to do and doing it well!

Michael Lynche – “A Man’s World”

Aside from sticking his lips out WAAAAAY too much for my widescreen HD TV’s liking, Michael made it work. He’s got great control of the stage, and he picked a very smart arrangement; going R&B is the right method for shoring up his voting constituency. The singing itself may not be so great, but at least he’s keeping us entertained.

Casey James – “I Don’t Wanna Be”

Picking an overdone song made famous by more popular former Idol contestants? SMRT! Even smarter when he lacks Bo Bice’s passion and intensity and Elliot Yamin’s charisma. There is NOTHING special or vital or urgent about him. He’s all hair, eyes and stubble. The vocals aren’t there, his phrasing is amateur hour and he has no understanding of how to show more than one emotion at any given time. Also? Don’t profess to never having watched Idol before and expect us to think that’s some sort of virtue. American Idol has been the number one show on television for the last seven years; the times of claiming ignorance to this phenomenon are O-V-E-R.

Andrew Garcia – “You Give Me Something”

This performance is why you can’t really start judging the contestants until now. For all his Paula Abdul “Straight Up” awesomeness, we now find that Andrew isn’t actually that good. He has a small, pitchy voice, no personal style, and brings exactly zero electricity to the stage. Andrew can arrange, but that’s about all he can do. He will easily make the Top 12, but he’s not a threat to anyone at this point.

Aaron Kelly – “My Girl“

He may have studied his performance last week and thought he made positive changes, but from this side of the thing, it wasn’t much better. He rushed the whole song, white-knuckled the mic (and with a weird three-finger grip technique), lost control of his vocal, threw around his hands like he had no idea what to do with them (he probably didn’t) and picked the wrong song. If he’s gonna court the Justin Bieber vote, maybe he should consider playing to the Justin Bieber fanbase instead of choosing 40-year-old Motown standards.

Jermaine Sellers – “What’s Going On”

Has there been an Idol wannabe more in need of a serious attitude adjustment? Interrupting the judges, with that unearned shit-eating grin on his face? He may be stylish, but he is SO hateable. Thankfully, with his pale Marvin Gaye imitation, he probably sealed his own fate. Also worth noting: During his performance, I caught Didi in the audience looking utterly bored out of her mind. Let me tell you something—you do not bore Didi Benami on America’s watch! She is too special! Jermaine is going home.

John Park – “Gravity”

John was so boring that when Simon gave his usual biting criticism, the audience couldn’t even manage a passionate “boo” (and that’s what they are specifically brought in to do!). Just a complete and total nothing of a performance; John Park is dunzo.

Were you also disappointed the girls didn’t perform tonight? Do you agree the guys were a wild improvement over last week? Sound off in the comments!

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Keeping Her Head in THE CRAZIES

It’s Friday—has your week driven you mad? Well, a friend of mine, actress Christie Lynn Smith, knows all about crazy. She’s here to discuss her latest movie, The Crazies, which opens today.

In the remake of George A. Romero’s 1973 film, Christie plays Deardra Farnum, a farmer’s wife living in an idyllic town where people suddenly start going violently insane.

For more info on Christie, visit her website and check out her busload of credits here. Meanwhile, enjoy our nerd chat about her experience shooting the movie.

Pop Culture Nerd: Did you practice running around screaming in your underwear before you started production?

Christie Lynn Smith: Not in my underwear, but there were some heavy rehearsals on the day of shooting. I think I lost my voice…it sounded very deep and sexy afterwards—haha.

PCN: This isn’t your first horror movie…

CLS: I did a horror film in 2007 called The Cursed; it just aired on the SyFy Channel. I had a cameo role and open the film with a few intense scenes with my daughter. It doesn’t end very well. And a few years back I did a short film called The Last Stop Cafe where I played a serial killer on the run!

PCN: You are a freak! I’m not sitting next to you at Thanksgiving this year because you’ll have access to knives. After you’ve done a few scary movies, are you more likely to watch them?

CLS: I tend to not be able to go to sleep if I watch them too late! I have to be careful—my imagination can play tricks on me.

PCN: You shot this in an isolated town, away from your husband and baby. Ever get creeped out alone at night in your hotel room?

CLS: I flew out of town twice to shoot in Perry, Georgia and then once to an isolated town in Iowa. I never got spooked, just missed my honey and baby.

PCN: What was it like on set? Did people stay in character, or were there pranks to lighten things up?

CLS: It was awesome working on this film! I loved the director, Breck Eisner, and the producers. Breck knew what he wanted and was very clear and gave great direction. No pranks but the mood was fun for sure.

PCN: What was your favorite action scene/stunt?

CLS: There is this scene were I am standing in front of a combine and the blades were going full speed and the sound was deafening! That was cool and a little freaky. They were, like, “Be careful—if this grabs your robe, you will basically be slashed to death.” Yikes! And I had to run and run and run all night one night—that was exhausting but I am a warrior. Bring it on, baby!

PCN: Um, I hope they had good life insurance on the film. In an episode of Bones, your recurring character, Caroline Epps, was decapitated and you got to keep your fake head. Any interesting souvenirs from The Crazies?

CLS: For your readers, here’s me and my head that was found in the freezer on Bones. I have the plaster version in my backyard. We take it out at Halloween to scare kids. Just kidding! [Ed. note: Forget the kids. I almost choked on my hot dog when I saw her head lying in her backyard.]

No souvenirs from the film yet. I did get a hat that says “The Crazies—Let’s Do It in Iowa” because that’s where most of the film was shot. And I hope to get a poster!

PCN: I’m a scaredy cat. I get nightmares after watching Teletubbies. Can someone like me handle this movie?

CLS: Yes, you can handle it. It has a thriller quality to it but with a human element. I did scream and jump a few times but I laughed, too. And I did not have bad dreams [after seeing it]!

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Boys Town—AMERICAN IDOL: Season 9 Top 12 Guys

by Jason Matthews

If a person had never seen or heard of American Idol before (I’m sure there’s a handful of them somewhere, like in Maine or something), and read a description of the show, they would probably assume a girl wins every season. I assume that, and I know this show better than National Treasure Ryan John Seacrest. It’s a show about pop stars, and that means girls. But inexplicably, a guy has won Idol in 3 of the last 4 seasons. Is it because we have SO many female pop singers already that adding one more onto the pile seems like too much work? Or is it because it’s easier for a guy to be impressive singing pop music since it seems like such a fun novelty?

Whatever the reason, the Guys must be watched extra close this season. The Girls are pegged as the better group, but on the whole the Guys were better off the bat. Not that they were so great to watch, though! Is there even ONE boy worth Googling in this entire group? What a collection of blahs! I’d sooner watch two hours of Randy Jackson trying on neon watches than sit through these guys try to sell me their try-hardy schtick.

Let’s get to the recap; the sooner we do this, the sooner the blessed Idol Girls will be back on stage again, making my television far easier to look at (if not necessarily listen to). Here are the reviews of each performer, in order of best to worst.

Casey James – “Heaven”

He will make the Top 12 on the strength of his hair and torso alone. People won’t even notice he’s singing for another month! Gross? Maybe, but that’s how it works with himbo contestants on this show. (See: Maroulis, Constantine.) Too bad, too, cause he has nice tone, is easy to listen to, and seems like a genuine, nice guy. But man alive, Kara needs to cut the cougar crap and Randy and Ellen need to stop encouraging her. If Simon did this with Jannell Wheeler he would be castrated, so let’s ease back on the double standard, OK, show?

Andrew Garcia – “Sugar, We’re Going Down”

What a disappointment. This is what happens when you give us the Paula. It’s all we’re ever going to want, and everything else will be a letdown. Also? His voice is secretly very thin and reedy. His musicality, though? Perf to the ect. He’s going to go very deep into the season, so this is all basically jokes, but I agree with the judgery—he can do better.

Todrick Hall – “Since You Been Gone”

Instead of singing, can he just do those awesome ninja back flips we saw him bust out during Hollywood Week?? I’d put him through just for those! One of my favorite things to look for on this show is when the judges tell contestants to make songs their own, do their version, and when they do it, the judges criticize them for changing the original. Todrick doing this is the same as Andrew doing slow jam Paula Abdul. You can’t have it both ways, Randy! Hip Hop Clarkson is a wildly fun arrangement. I can’t wait to see what this guy does next. May I suggest a little T-Pain-style autotune on Carrie Underwood?

Alex Lambert – “Wonderful World”

Do I have a biased opinion of Alex because he has the exact same mullet I had when I was eight years old, and secretly wish I STILL had? Possibly. But that’s beside the point, because the kid has talent. Great recording voice, nice style; I can very easily see him putting out a James hit, be it Cullem, Blunt or Morrison.

Lee Dewyze – “Chasing Cars”

There are a literal billion of these guys in frat-house living rooms the world over. Lee is lacking the charm of David Cook, the charisma of Kris Allen, and the vocal ability of Adam Lambert, just to compare him to AI guys. And that’s all before we start comparing him to all the soundalike alt-rock frontmen. Would it be an insult to Lee or to Nickelback if I said he sounded like a broke-ass Chad Kroeger? It’s pretty much bad all around, yes?

Michael Lynche – “This Love”

Let’s talk realistically about Big Mike—he is not winning American Idol. Does he have a nice voice? Yes. Is he likeable? Absolutely. But is his penchant for singing white-boy pop-rock songs completely off-putting? Uh, that would be OBVS. This is going to come off as racist, but it’s simply a fact: Idol voters want their African American guys to either sing hip hop or R&B. Period. This John Mayer, acoustic guitar nonsense? Not gonna fly, engrossing personal story or not.

Aaron Kelly – “Here Comes Goodbye”

Watching him feels like a 3D RickRoll. That Groban-y voice should just not come from such a small child. What do we even do with him? Is he even Tiger Beat enough to get the tween vote? He’s too dweebish to be the Season 9 David Archuleta, and Kevin Covais is still holding the patent on the Chicken Little look. Aaron is boring to listen to, boring to watch, and uninteresting as a potential American Idol. There’s no future here.

Tim Urban – “Apologize”

Can we discuss the pit stains in his Idol photo shoot freeze frame? No? OK, moving on then. The same way Whitney and Mariah are verboten on this show for the girls, One Republic needs to join that group for the guys. We get at least one or two of these slapdash, homeless-person rip-offs every season and it’s never fun to listen to. Not EVER. If Kris Allen couldn’t sell it, why did wee Tim Urban think he could? He has a weak vocal unfortunately combined with a severely underwhelming stage charisma. If he survives this week it will only be because of his Efronesque hair mullet.

John Park – “God Bless the Child”

Multiple choice question: John Park sounds like A) a lounge singer B) a cruise ship singer C) the house band for a low-key bar on New Year’s Eve D) a boring person. Give up? The answer is secret choice E) All of the Above! Class dismissed.

Tyler Grady – “American Woman”

I think I saw this performance once before; it was called Val Kilmer in The Doors. Didn’t like it then, outright loathe it now. And anytime you can remind me of that atrocious Lenny Kravitz cover (but not show me the Heather Graham music video hotness) you’re going to lose points—that’s just science. Can we please retire this obnoxious song? It is the absolute definition of male musical indulgence. About Tyler, though, I love it when a contestant says they want to prove they’re a singer, not a performer, and then pick a performer song and don’t sing! That’ll help your cause, T-Grads!

Joe Munoz – “You and I Both”

I feel like I shouldn’t even waste words on this because Joe is NOT making the Top 12. He may not make it ’til the end of this recap! The scarf was a Titanic-sized mistake, and David Archuleta may sue him for vocal, facial and follicle copyright infringement. I was forgetting about him as he was singing. Be honest, you were, too. Even now, you’re reading this and going “Joe Who”?

Jermaine Sellers – “Get Here”

Nick Cannon just sued Jermaine for theft and defamation of character, and then texted Mariah to make sure she wasn’t anywhere near the Idol set. Not that he needs to worry, since Jermaine is a screechy, wildly off-key, whiny-voiced male diva nothing. And by to the way, I still hate him for throwing the band under the bus during Hollywood Week, despite his claims he wouldn’t do it again (which he then proceeded to do almost IMMEDIATELY). I can’t wait to not have him in my American Idol life. Should only be a day or so before that happens.

Do you think Simon is wrong about a girl winning this season? Based on what you heard from the Guys, can any of them win the Idol crown?

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Ladies First—AMERICAN IDOL: Season 9 Top 12 Girls Perform

This post was written by new contributing writer Jason Matthews, who will be covering American Idol all season. No bad outfit, note, or attitude will be safe from his insightful commentary.—PCN

American Idol is finally in America’s hands again, and not a moment too soon. After six long, long weeks of who-cares sob stories, atrocious auditions, and unsatisfying filler judges (we miss you Paula!), we get to watch people actually perform and start picking the next American Idol.

But before we begin, it’s important to note the following:

I could watch Ryan say “This is American Idol” on an hourly basis until I am an old person. Such is the joy and drama he brings to his intros. There isn’t a better professional working in television today.
If having Ellen on the show means we have to sit through skits of Simon molesting the daytime talk queen, well then I am a-ok with it!
Kara has never looked better in her life. She needs to always have a front poof and teased ponytail. Always.
Randy does not know the definition of the phrase “give advice.”
Simon thinks a girl will win this year. I want to agree, but after watching them perform for the first time, my confidence is shaken.

All right, let’s pick us a pop star! Here are reviews of each performer, in order of best to worst.

Michelle Delamor

Of all the soundalikes tonight, and by “all” I mean ALL of them, Michelle was the best and came closest to sounding as good as the original (Alicia Keyes on “Fallin’ “). That counts for something. She has great control, knows how to rock an arrangement, and is style-hot like fire. Big fan of her diva arm swings. She’s the only one going for that diva spot, which has always been dicey (no diva has ever won OR made it to the Top 2), but she’s seasoned enough to make a big, long run on the show.

Katie Stevens

If this were Disney Idol, we could just crown her right now and call it a day. Katie would start recording immediately, and the Mouse House would politely thank Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez for their hard work, then boot them out of the Magic Kingdom. But this is not Disneyland, it’s American Idol, and Stevens’s faux-Aguilera voice, recital outfit style and mature song choices are going to tire. Quickly. She got the pimp slot tonight, so you know she’s fine, but there is trouble on the horizon.

Crystal Bowersox

When Simon is right, he is the rightist right that ever righted. He is incapable of left. Crystal may be the best musician of the group, but we’re not looking for 52^nd street subway buskers. We’re looking for the next great pop star; that’s the reason we are here. Playing the harmonica is all well and good, but this is a singing competition. Also, if you’re gonna choose to do Alanis but not sing “You Learn,” you can’t be trusted to entertain this fine country.

Didi Benami

I am biased here, because I have fallen into utterly helpless hard love with her, but I will try to be objective. Didi has nice control, is technically proficient, and happens to be delightful to watch. But she’s too precious with her talent and Simon was right—the song choice and performance were indulgent. Despite my passion for D-Bens, I don’t know that I can listen to her roll through the indie-rock chic genre for four months. She’s one or two Regina Spektor songs away from becoming the spokesperson for a Lillith Fair revival.

Katelyn Epperly

The first thing I thought when she started singing: In. Just in. Her voice is a VOICE. Great raspy quality, nice tone; she is a very confident talent, which is nice to see so early on in the competition. What was most shocking about her time on stage, though, was Randy giving her truly insightful criticism (about her focus on tone over flash). Who knew Randy could even form coherent, grammatically correct sentences with the English language, let alone speak intelligently about the art of music?

Lilly Scott

Don’t we already have a Fiona Apple, who is a better singer and doesn’t have Grandma hair? Let me pose this to you: Who will buy her album? What demo does she appeal to? What radio station will her first single play on? I get that she has a distinct look and feel, I can appreciate that the judges find her “unique.” But let me tell you “unique” doesn’t always mean “good,” especially in this case.

Siobhan Magnus

There is so much here to like, but even more to be confused by. What look is she going for, exactly? Why was she wearing flip flops? Does she really believe being the quirky girl will get her past six other girls? She has undeniable vocal skills but she has no idea how to adapt them situationally. “Wicked Game” is haunting and interesting, yes, but it’s also ragged and dirty; grimy, even. Siobhan’s version was too clean, too sterile. I would bet she has never seen the music video for this song.

Janell Wheeler

Let’s say a bunch of sad facts in a row: out of tune for the whole performance, the back-up singers blew her off the stage, the song was too big for her, and she had ZERO control of her nerves. Since she’s not going the Britney route (hot girl singing cheesy pop music), she needs to convince us she has presence and authority. After tonight, I don’t think anyone’s gonna buy it.

Ashley Rodriguez

If you had asked me before tonight who I thought would be the next American Idol, sight unseen, I would have said Ashley Rodriguez. Perfect look, good voice, gorgeous, fun to watch. But based on her first performance, I would be surprised if she made the Top 12. Her voice was alternately flat and sharp, she was jittery and unpolished. Simon said it best—Ashley was clumsy. Clumsy can be charming (see: Vaughn, Haeley), but not in A-Idol-Rod’s case.

Haeley Vaughn

Was she slurring her words during the song? It didn’t sound like she completed any of her phrasing. And girl was screechy. Saved by the Bell-level of screech. The melody and key transitions were amateur hour, the guitar was distracting, and the song choice was deplorable. The Beatles? On Night One? Really, 16 year-old Haeley? REALLY?! That’s the type of precociousness that gets you muted.

Paige Miles

Don’t we already have a Jill Scott? Also, who was this person? I’ve watched her performance twice and still wouldn’t be able to pick her out of a lineup. Was she just put through so she could get kicked off in Top 24 and insure that other, better girls would be safe? I suppose there are worse reasons to be on the show. For a week, anyway.

Lacey Brown

If she survives this week, it will be because the entire world, and all of Earth, love that song. “Landslide” is practically a national treasure but she did it no justice. A catastrophically bad arrangement, made worse by her poor phrasing, slow delivery, and her inability to hit the low notes. But hey, at least she got to be the first person Randy called “pitchy” this season; that counts for something. Sadly, it’s the only thing she can count on, because she is going HOME.

Who do you think should get sent home this week? And could Ryan be more awesome and professional? The second question is rhetorical, obvs, but please take a minute to answer the first one in the comments below.

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Shut-Eye ISLAND

Saying this might make me seem insane, but Martin Scorsese’s Shutter Island bored me silly. Having loved Dennis Lehane’s novel of the same name (read my review here), I thought I’d at least enjoy the movie, maybe not as much as the book, since that rarely happens. Last thing I expected was to be sitting in the dark, rolling my eyeballs back and nodding off as if I’d been given too much Thorazine.

In 1954, U.S. Marshals Teddy Daniels and Chuck Aule are summoned to Ashecliffe, an institution for the criminally insane on an island off Boston Habor, to locate a missing patient, Rachel Solando. The woman seemingly escaped without shoes (island terrain is rocky) or anyone seeing her, from a room locked from the outside. The staff’s and marshals’ search efforts are hampered by a hurricane which shuts down the island’s electrical system, allowing all 66 violent offenders to run wild. But wait. Solando left behind a note implying there’s a 67th patient. Who is this mysterious person whose existence everyone denies?

And that’s just one of the island’s mysteries. Daniels and Aule soon wonder if the doctors at Ashecliffe are really treating their patients or doing illegal experiments on them. Daniels also has his own agenda for being there: He’s searching for his wife’s killer, Andrew Laeddis. The plot has more twists and turns than an Olympics slalom, culminating in a twist which may or may not shock you, depending on whether or not you read the book or are an especially astute viewer.

The cast is very good here. The intense DiCaprio and laid-back Ruffalo balance each other nicely; Ben Kingsley plays Dr. Cawley with a cool presence which keeps you guessing about his true intentions; Jackie Earle Haley, Emily Mortimer and Patricia Clarkson turn in notable performances as patients. (Michelle Williams, as Daniels’s deceased wife, doesn’t have much to do until the end.)

But the actors are failed by the movie’s sedate pacing. With this kind of (literally) crazy plot, the thriller should be more, well, thrilling. Instead, lots of long expositional scenes and dream sequences slow down the momentum, and characters meant to be creepy become less so when they linger on screen for too long talking too much.

Scorsese also heightens every scene with a lot of DRAMA: the hammering Bernard Herrmann-esque score, the artsy slo-mo and overly saturated colors in the dream sequences, twisty camera angles, lots of water imagery. It’s like announcing Creepy Scene Alert! at every turn, which takes away any surprise that might lie around the corner.

One might argue there are no surprises for people who have read the book. All I can say is, I also knew what would happen in Scorsese’s last movie, The Departed (having seen the original Hong Kong version Infernal Affairs), and still found it to be quite suspenseful. The director should have trusted his source material here; a leaner, less heavy-handed approach would have allowed the story’s creepiness to crawl under our skin.

Nerd verdict: More wreck than treasure on this Island

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Movie Review: VALENTINE’S DAY

The marketing for Valentine’s Day makes the movie look like a shiny, pretty gift for those looking for a little romance come February 14. In reality, it’s like a box of candy that’s already been opened, with the contents all stale and hard to swallow.

Many storylines and characters collide to make up the narrative. There’s Reed (Ashton Kutcher), the boy who owns a flower shop that gets a huge boost in business on the titular day; his best friend Julia (Jennifer Garner), the impossibly perky grade school teacher who’s in love with a brilliant surgeon (Patrick Dempsey); Liz (Anne Hathaway), an office assistant who doubles as a phone sex operator; Captain Kate Hazeltine (Julia Roberts), a military officer flying home on leave who strikes up a friendship with a fellow passenger (Bradley Cooper), and a couple of silly teens in love (Taylors Swift and Lautner).

As you can see, almost all of Hollywood is crammed into this movie, and I didn’t even mention the plotlines involving Shirley MacLaine, Jessica Biel, Jamie Foxx and several others. (Kathy Bates and Lautner might as well have been glorified extras, considering how little screen time and few lines they have.) It felt like director Garry Marshall was cooking spaghetti, throwing all these stars up on screen to see who sticks. Sadly, none of them do.

Some of these actors are favorites of mine, but most were directed to overact to the point of embarrassment. Biel’s character, Kara, has a ridiculous meltdown that made me feel sorry for the actress. Swift is goofy but in an over-the-top way, trying too hard to impress in her big-screen debut. No one behaves in any manner that seemed even remotely real (except for Roberts, who wisely underplays her role) and in the end, their stories are wrapped up with unnatural and implausible conclusions. If you’re looking for a romantic movie with lots of attractive stars and real heart, skip the cineplex and rent the superior Love Actually instead.

Nerd verdict: If not a massacre, Valentine’s Day is still a giant mess

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Movie Review: FROM PARIS WITH LOVE

During most of the Luc Besson-produced From Paris with Love, I had no idea what was going on. Oddly enough, being a fan of plot-driven movies, I still found it to be a blast, and I’m not just talking about the explosions. It’s because of John Travolta having more fun than I’ve ever seen him have on screen, making it impossible for me to not enjoy the ride with him.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is a junior CIA agent living in Paris with a cover job in the U.S. Embassy, doing little more than grunt work and eager to take on more dangerous assignments. He gets his wish when the agency teams him up with loose cannon agent Charlie Wax (Travolta) to take down drug dealers and terrorists. You don’t need to know more than that because it’s irrelevant. Do you remember what the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie was about? No, but you’re probably still chuckling about Johnny Depp’s performance as Captain Jack.

And so it is here with Travolta’s portrayal of the profane, badass, bald, goateed, tattooed, beefed up Wax with even beefier guns. When he first appears on screen, I thought, “Oh no, he just graduated from the Nicolas Cage School of Hambone Overacting.”

But the actor quickly won me over with the sheer joy he exudes in playing this character. Watching him take down bad guys and blow things up is like watching a child get exactly what he wants on Christmas morning. (I couldn’t help but also think that since this movie was shot while his son Jett was still alive, it may be a long time before we see Travolta this gleeful again.) And a movie with so many explosions, car chases and shootouts—done in spectacular “Aw, YEAH!”-inducing style—needs a big character like Wax to anchor it. Anything less would have been blown away with the scenery.

Nerd verdict: Fun adventure in Paris

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CD Review: Vampire Weekend’s CONTRA

This review is by new contributing writer Ethan Ogilby, whose musical taste is way more hip than mine.—PCN

The second album usually determines the staying power of an artist. It must be faithful to the established sound as well as explore new ground, be both familiar and more substantial than just The Debut Album: Part Two. As such, after the firestorm of admiration around Vampire Weekend’s eponymous LP and the anticipation and hype that surround Contra, the question remained: Were they in it for the long haul, or would they burn out like so many former next big things?

The answer: Vampire Weekend is here to stay…probably.

Contra is definitely a good album (and may end up as one of my favorites when this year is over) but I don’t feel it quite captures the simple genius or fun of their first record. The “indie Graceland” aesthetic—one of the elements that endeared me most to Vampire Weekend—is not as prevalent this time around.

But Contra has subtlety, thought, and purpose behind the music. Frontman/guitarist Ezra Koenig is at his best when his voice doesn’t have to work too hard. His melodies are so natural you feel like you’ve been listening to his songs for years, prime examples being “I Think UR a Contra,” a quiet, elegant tale of falling out of love; and “Diplomat’s Son,” a multifaceted yet graceful journey through an aristocratic adolescent romance (and one of the songs that best fulfills the new-but-faithful requirement).

The instrumental arrangements and rhythmic interweavings are even more advanced and challenging this time around. From song to song and section to section, new instruments and lines drop in and out, sometimes sacrificing continuity, but also creating remarkable moments, such as the cascading faux-horn lines of “Run” and the layered, yelping choruses of “White Sky” (though I would have preferred the yelps being swapped for something more pleasant).

And yet, Contra feels more produced than the debut, which compromises the balance of the band’s sound. The Vampire Weekend LP was something I’d really never heard before, that rare feel-good indie “rock” record that wasn’t hokey. You could put it on and let it play right through—in a bar, at a party, hanging out in a basement—and people would want to know what it was whether they liked it or not.

Contra, on the other hand, sounds more like everything else. There are electronic drums and uncommon percussion and even some vocal effects, but it’s hard to find where any of this makes their music better. “Giving Up the Gun,” while a different sound for the band, doesn’t chart any new territory. Its pulsing, electronic background and vocal harmonies remind me more of a Postal Service song than my favorite musical Columbia literati. Similarly, their effortless, melodic sensibility—ubiquitous on the first album—is on occasion disappointingly replaced by frantic disjointedness, sections of “California English” and “Cousins” being the worst offenders.

Vampire Weekend’s guitarist-keyboardist, Rostam Batmanglij, told Rolling Stone, “Our first record kind of has one vibe, one tone. [Contra] goes in a thousand places at once.” To dismiss the debut as “one vibe, one tone” is underselling the distinction between the songs and belittling the cohesion and flow of the previous album. This quote does sum up, however, both what’s great and not so great about Contra: too many twists and alterations crammed into one record, but with enough detail and emotion to keep me coming back for years.

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Mel Gibson Goes to EDGE OF DARKNESS

Edge of Darkness is an appropriate title for Mel Gibson’s latest starring vehicle because the name is as blandly formulaic as the movie, and it tells you upfront it’ll only go to the edge, not plunge you into something that could have been great.

Thomas Craven (Gibson), a Boston cop, is mad as hell after his daughter is killed right in front of him in an attack believed meant for him. As he investigates, he quickly realizes his daughter was the target and that she had a whole secret life he knew nothing about. His relentless search for answers uncovers corruption high up in the corporate world, not to mention within the government. He gets a little help from a shady character (Ray Winstone, having loads of fun) sent by people unknown to clean up the mess, but in the end, it’s Craven who’s going to blow the house down.

Let’s get something out of the way: Mel Gibson’s still got it as a movie star. Since he hasn’t been in a movie in eight years, I was shocked at first to see how much older he’s gotten. But it’s fitting that he’s not a cocksure pretty boy anymore; he’s a grieving father and the deeply etched lines on his face reflect every ounce of frustration he feels. Few actors can play righteous rage as effectively as Gibson, and when he unleashes it on the deserving parties, it’s highly satisfying.

Which is more than I can say about the movie, directed by Martin Campbell and based on a British ’80s miniseries he also helmed. It contains a couple shocking moments of violence that made me jump but other than that, there are few surprises here. If you’re familiar with a certain actor’s work, you’ll know who the bad guy is the minute he shows up because that’s all he ever plays. And is anyone stunned anymore to find corruption exists among politicians and Big Company? Yawn.

If there’s a reason to see this movie, it’s Gibson. His personal travails aside, he’s still a lethal weapon on screen after all these years.

Nerd verdict: Didn’t quite keep me on Edge of my seat

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Nerdy Hot 10 List—Female Edition

Last May, I published a Nerdy Hot 10 List of actors who are goofy or awkward but sexy because of it. As of this writing, that post alone has received over 52,000 hits. Crazy!

I’ve received numerous requests to post a female version, so I now present in random order my list of 10 actresses whose silliness make them hot.

Tina Fey. I know, this is obvious, but her goofiness is brilliant so how can she not be here?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus. The Elaine dance alone cemented a place for her on this list, but her continuing knack for physical comedy on The New Adventures of Old Christine and in those Healthy Choice commercials proves she’s got more than one move.
Judy Greer. She’s got leading-lady looks but producers dumb her down so she can play the best friend (13 Going on 30, 27 Dresses) without stealing focus from the star. The friend usually gets the funniest lines, though, and funny is sexier than pretty and bland.
Anna Faris. One of the goofiest actresses around, never saying no to humiliating situations on screen, but also hot enough to play a Playboy bunny in The House Bunny.
Sandra Bullock. Yeah, she looks phenomenal naked in The Proposal, but it’s her special blend of on-screen klutziness and social awkwardness that puts her on this list.
Jennifer Coolidge. Her presence, often in Christopher Guest’s mockumentaries, guarantees that lunacy will ensue. I’ll watch anything with her in it (even the awful series Joey) and that, to me, is true star power.
Missi Pyle. Out of character, she’s stunning, but her absolute fearlessness in playing freaky characters (remember the unibrowed terror in Dodgeball?) is what makes her so winsome.
Leslie Mann. Because she’s married to Judd Apatow and looks like that, one might be tempted to say she gets roles due to nepotism and for merely being pretty. But her hilarious turns as the girl who terrorizes Steve Carrell while driving drunk in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and as Katherine Heigl’s much funnier older sister in Knocked Up have proven she’s one dynamite talent.
Elizabeth Banks. Her looks qualify her for magazine covers, but she’s most winning when she goofs it up in movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin and on shows like Modern Family.
Andrea Anders. Sure, she’s a cute blonde, but there are busloads of those in Hollywood. It’s her zeal for making her character on Better Off Ted (and earlier, on Joey) socially inept and sometimes just plain wrong that makes her stand out.

Who’s on your nerdy hot list? Sound off in the comments! (UPDATE: See my new 2010 Nerdy Hot Actors list here.)

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Nerdies for Best & Worst of SAG Awards

I usually love movie award shows but last night’s Screen Actors Guild Awards bored me. Many of the winners were the same as Globe winners from less than a week ago so I couldn’t muster up enough excitement to cheer even if they deserved it.

For a complete list of winners, see here. Read on for my random thoughts and nerdies for the event.

Most Shocking Winner Even Though I Really Like Her: Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side. Yes, I know she won a Globe but that performance wasn’t up against Meryl Streep’s in Julie & Julia (Streep won in the comedy category). I’m a big fan of Bullock’s, thought she was quite good in the movie and with her acceptance speeches, but Streep’s Julia Child wasn’t just a performance, it was a complete transformation.

Least Likely to be Wearing Any Underwear: Kate Hudson. How do you squeeze anything under that dress? How did she keep her bits in? I’m not picking on her; I really want to know.

Most Potentially Riotous Glee Guest Star: Justin Timberlake. After cast members said they wanted him on the show, Timberlake said he’d love to do it but no one has asked. Ryan Murphy, call JT’s people first thing Monday morning! Is it wrong for me to want the cast to do “Dick in the Box”?

Best Inclusion of Overlooked Co-Stars: Mo’Nique. In winning for Precious, she thanked the co-stars who haven’t been in the spotlight with her but are no less deserving of attention and accolades. She mentioned the actors who played the students in the Each One Teach One program and, most movingly, the child with special needs who played Precious’s daughter, Mongo. Mo’Nique has proven to be the most elegant acceptance-speech giver of the season. I can’t wait to hear what she says when she wins her Oscar.

Most Likely to be Working Until She’s 150: Betty White. Usually, during tributes to life achievement recipients, I take a bathroom break. Heck, I take a whole shower, those tributes are so long. But the one for White showed what an engaging entertainer she’s been throughout her long career, and her acceptance speech (“I look out at this audience and I see so many famous faces…I’ve worked with quite a few. Maybe had a couple”) proves that, at 88, she’s still got the wit and spunk to go a few more decades.

Best…Oh, Never Mind: I just wanted to run this picture of Colin Firth. Do I need an excuse or a fake award category?

Favorite Homegirls: Tina Fey and Bullock. Fey went to my alma mater, University of Virginia (I have a yearbook with her picture in it—no glasses, listed as Elizabeth Fey), and gave it a shout-out when she thanked her acting teachers there. Meanwhile, Bullock went to high school at Washington-Lee in Arlington, Virginia, not far from where I grew up (my brother’s best friend was in her class).

Best News for 40-Year-Old Men: The stunning Sofia Vergara says she’s single and looking for a 40-year-old guy. Her publicist’s inbox is going to explode.

Did you watch the awards? What were highlights and lowlights for you?

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