TV – Page 5 – Pop Culture Nerd

Craziest FAMILY FEUD Answers

During the dog days of summers, I have a hard time finding interesting shows to watch. When that happens, I find myself drifting to the Game Show Network because they have re-runs of old TV game shows. My favorite is Family Feud, especially the really old episodes with Richard Dawson as host, because it’s not just entertainment, it’s kind of a sociological study. In a 1970s episode, long before political correctness kicked in, Dawson insisted that an entire Japanese family bow to him. (My jaw dropped open and soup almost dribbled out when I saw this.) In another episode, Dawson kept speaking in an exaggerated, Apu-like accent to an Indian family who had lived in the States for 30 years and spoke perfect English.

But Dawson’s ignorance isn’t why I tune in; I do it for the contestants’ wacky answers. Perfectly normal-looking people say the craziest things when the clock is ticking and they’re trying to beat the buzzer. They reveal way more about themselves than they probably intended and sometimes I get the feeling there really will be a feud among family members once the taping is over.

For a few Monday chuckles, I’ve compiled a list of some the funniest answers I’ve heard:

Question: Tell me a man’s name that starts with the letter “K.” Answer: Kentucky Fried Chicken!

Q: Name an expression that contains the word “foot” in it. A: Foot in your behind!

Q: Tell me a birthday men dread the most. A: Their wife’s!

Q: Name something people take with them to the beach. A: Turkey!

Q: Name a type of movie that describes your love life. A: Horror!

Q: Tell me something your neighbor has that you wish you had. A: A beautiful wife!

Q: Name a part of the body that gets bigger as adults get older. A: Penis!

Q: Name something women borrow from each other. A: Husbands!

Q: Name something a woman needs before she gets married. A: Pap smear!

Q: Tell me a beverage you drink out of a can: A: Wine!

Q: Name a yellow fruit. A: Orange!

Q: Tell me a kind of wood used to make furniture. A: Table!

Q: Name something you accidentally leave on all night. A: Your bra!

Q: Tell me what section of the newspaper you turn to first. A: Coupons!

Q: Name something associated with Ping-Pong. A: Asians!

Happy Monday!

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TV Review: RIZZOLI & ISLES

Courtesy TNT

It’s hard for me to review something I neither love nor hate, which is how I feel about the pilot for this new TNT series (Mondays, 10 p.m.) starring Angie Harmon as tough-talking homicide detective Jane Rizzoli and Sasha Alexander as fashion-conscious medical examiner Maura Isles. I always welcome the chance to watch Harmon but the show, after a tense opening, turned out to be average, offering no fresh take on the cop drama. It might not be fair to ask for something original since cop dramas saturate the tube and have done so since TV went color, but all you have to do is look at its lead-in, The Closer, to see how that features a unique character in Kyra Sedgwick’s Brenda Leigh Johnson.

The premiere introduces us to Rizzoli’s family and colleagues and we learn that a murderer who once almost killed her is back, hell bent on finishing what he started with Rizzoli. Rizzoli says she’s not scared, won’t be intimidated into staying at Mom’s house, “I’m a homicide detective!” etc., until of course she gets into a bad situation with her nemesis. Do I have to tell you who prevails during the confrontation?

I haven’t read Tess Gerritsen’s novels on which the show is based but think Harmon is a great choice for the Boston detective, doing her tomboy spitfire thing, similar to what she did on ABC’s short-lived, underrated Women’s Murder Club (another series based on popular novels). I’ve always liked how she never plays dumb, pretty girls despite being gorgeous. Alexander doesn’t have much to do yet; she mostly spouts some medical info and looks fabulous in expensive designer clothes and perfectly highlighted hair. I do not understand why both women drool over Billy Burke (Bella’s dad in the Twilight movies) as an FBI agent because he just ain’t hot. Burke is an impressive actor but his character is dull, gloomy and generates zero sparks with either Rizzoli or Isles. Lorraine Bracco is annoying as Rizzoli’s mother but I guess if my daughter were a cop being hunted by a serial killer, I’d worry and fuss over her safety, too.

I might tune in again next week strictly because of Harmon. Or I may just pick up the books and see her in my head.

Have you read the novels and seen the show? What did you think?

Nerd verdict: Rizzoli & Isles not a total bust, elevated by attractive leads

Buy Ice Cold: A Rizzoli & Isles Novel from Amazon
Buy from Barnes & Noble
Buy from Powell’s Books

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Primetime Emmy Nominations 2010

No, I didn’t wake up at the crack of dawn to hear the Emmy nominations. I just went to a bunch of websites to look up the nominations. In case you haven’t seen them and care, the partial list below is from EW.com. The ceremonies will be held on August 29, hosted by Jimmy Fallon and airing live on NBC.

A few things I’m excited about:

Jon Hamm getting two noms, for lead of Mad Men and guest star on 30 Rock. I like him much more as a comedic actor so I’m rooting for him for 30 Rock. Besides, Hugh Laurie should get his criminally overdue Emmy for lead dramatic actor in House.
Archie Panjabi getting nominated for supporting dramatic actress for The Good Wife. I don’t love this show, find Julianna Margulies’s character rather cold, but Panjabi is electric and steals every scene she’s in.
JANE LYNCH!! I’m also happy for Modern Family‘s Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen but really, they should just practice their game face for when the presenter calls out Lynch’s name instead of theirs as the winner in the supporting comedic actress category.
Mike O’Malley for guest actor on Glee as Kurt’s dad. Sure, O’Malley’s role is extremely well-written, but O’Malley really knocks it out of the park as one of the most loving, compassionate, coolest TV dads EVER.
Speaking of Kurt, I’m so happy to see Chris Colfer get a nomination. He does the pain cover-up really well.
Betty White for hosting Saturday Night Live. Other than her deserving it, I want her to win so we can hear the sure-to-be hilarious speech she’d give.
Elizabeth Mitchell finally getting a nomination for Lost but as guest actress. It’s as if Emmy voters didn’t realize how good she was until she wasn’t a regular anymore.
Tina Fey’s reaction to her nominations: “This seems like an appropriate time for me to announce to NBC that I will not be renewing my contract,” the seven-time Emmy winner joked in a statement, “with my gym.” On a short-lived serious note, Fey says that the cast and crew are “grateful” for their fourth straight nomination, adding that today is “the fifth anniversary of the day NBC forgot to cancel us.”

For other nominees’ reactions, click here.

What do you think of the nominations? Think Jimmy Fallon will make a good host? Do you even care about any of this?

DRAMA
OUTSTANDING DRAMA
Lost
Breaking Bad
Dexter
Mad Men
True Blood
The Good Wife

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)
Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit)
Glenn Close (Damages)
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)
January Jones (Mad Men)
Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights)

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights)
Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
Hugh Laurie (House M.D.)
Michael C. Hall (Dexter)
Matthew Fox (Lost)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
John Slattery (Mad Men)
Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
Martin Short (Damages)
Terry O’ Quinn (Lost)
Michael Emerson (Lost)
Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Sharon Gless (Burn Notice)
Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)
Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)
Rose Byrne (Damages)
Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife)
Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men)

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Beau Bridges (The Closer)
Ted Danson (Damages)
John Lithgow (Dexter)
Alan Cumming (The Good Wife)
Dylan Baker (The Good Wife)
Robert Morse (Mad Men)
Gregory Itzin (24)

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Mary Kay Place (Big Love)
Sissy Spacek (Big Love)
Shirley Jones (The Cleaner)
Lily Tomlin (Damages)
Ann-Margret (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit)
Elizabeth Mitchell (Lost)

COMEDY
OUTSTANDING COMEDY
Glee
Modern Family
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Nurse Jackie
30 Rock
The Office

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Lea Michele (Glee)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Toni Collette (The United States of Tara)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine)
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation)

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
Matthew Morrison (Glee)
Steve Carell (The Office)
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)
Tony Shalhoub (Monk)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Chris Colfer (Glee)
Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother)
Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)
Jon Cryer (Two and A Half Men)
Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family)
Ty Burrell (Modern Family)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Jane Lynch (Glee)
Kristen Wiig (Saturday Night Live)
Jane Krakowski (30 Rock)
Julie Bowen (Modern Family)
Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)
Holland Taylor (Two and A Half Men)

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Mike O’Malley (Glee)
Neil Patrick Harris (Glee)
Fred Willard (Modern Family)
Eli Wallach (Nurse Jackie)
Jon Hamm (30 Rock)
Will Arnett (30 Rock)

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Christine Baranski (The Big Bang Theory)
Kathryn Joosten (Desperate Housewives)
Kristin Chenoweth (Glee)
Tina Fey (Saturday Night Live)
Betty White (Saturday Night Live)
Elaine Stritch (30 Rock)
Jane Lynch (Two and a Half Men)

VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY
OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien

10 Comments

FaithfulGLEE

**Spoilers: Do not read if you haven’t seen Glee finale**

Photo: FOX

New Directions may not have been good enough to win regionals, but they showed a lot of heart, which is the perfect summary for Glee‘s finale. The episode wasn’t great but gets credit for unabashedly wearing its heart on its sleeve.

This may sound obnoxious but I knew our gang wouldn’t win because they’d have no place to go next season. I wish we’d been able to see Aural Intensity’s performance to 1) determine if they indeed deserved runner-up and 2) the Josh Groban/Olivia Newton-John mash-up sounds awesome!

The Journey medley was spirited—those songs bring back a lot of fond memories for me—but Puck should’ve taken lead male vocals because he’s much stronger than Finn. It’s embarrassing every time Rachel comes in and just blows Finn’s breathy voice out of the water.

Vocal Adrenaline’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” was certainly polished but they should call themselves Dancing Adrenaline with Only One Guy Singing. It was not a good representation of group vocals. I didn’t find the intercutting between the number and Quinn giving birth that clever, either; it felt more manipulative. And I’m not sure how adoption works but doesn’t Ms. Corcoran have to go through some kind of lengthy process where she and her home would have to be checked out to make sure they’re fit for a baby? Can she just say, “I’ll take her” and have the hospital hand over Beth like that? Ms. Corcoran could be a secret heroin addict, for all anyone knows. Can someone enlighten me on this subject?

Highlights for me:

Olivia Newton-John playing bitchy and snooty. “Are they a poor person’s school?” she asks, referring to McKinley, and “Brunettes have no place in showbiz” when discussing Rachel. I idolized ONJ as a kid and loved her sweet girl-next-door image so this really amused me.
Josh Groban hitting on Sue! I’ve found Groban hilarious since seeing him in the “I’m F*#cking Ben Affleck” video.
Quinn’s mom saying she kicked Quinn’s dad out of the house because “he was having an affair with a tattooed freak.” Jesse James got slapped!
Mike (Other Asian) and Matt (Shaft) had lines.
“To Sir with Love” was touching, since I didn’t expect to see Santana or Brittany crying. They actually care about glee club! Sue’s crying was most surprising of all but I’m not sure I buy that. It kinda came out of nowhere.
Mr. Schue singing Iz’s version of “Over the Rainbow” to his kids with Puck on accompaniment, ending the show on a lovely note.

Were you satisfied or disappointed? Did you cry? How do you feel about John Stamos coming on next year to play Emma’s dentist boyfriend, Carl?

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MTV Movie Awards 2010: One Long WTF Moment

The MTV Movie Awards have a category called Best WTF Moment but I thought most of the show could be labeled thusly, minus the “best.” Why did Olympic gold medalist Shaun White present a trophy dressed like Crocodile Dundee? Why was he there at all? Who told Christina Aguilera to place a glowing heart on her vagina?

Cruise as Grossman

Tom Cruise opened the show as the bald, profane Les Grossman character from Tropic Thunder. I didn’t like his performance in the movie and I didn’t like it here. The problem: Cruise doesn’t know how to truly transform himself into a character. When Meryl Streep or Dustin Hoffman takes on a character vastly different from themselves—heck, let’s just take Eddie Murphy in the Nutty Professor movies or Robert Downey Jr. in Thunder. These actors know it’s not enough just to slap on a fat suit, wig or bald cap. They change their voice. Cruise sounds exactly the same no matter what character he plays, making me think, “Oh, that’s just Tom Cruise cussing in a fat suit.” And that gets old real fast.

The highlight was no doubt Sandra Bullock’s appearance to accept the Generation Award, presented to her by Betty White, Bradley Cooper and…Scarlett Johansson? Johansson’s role in the presentation was unclear at first since she had nothing to say, but then she ended up in a quick liplock with Bullock to make up for Bullock and Ryan Reynolds, Johansson’s husband, not winning the Best Kiss award.

But that’s not the highlight, at least not for me. Bullock, looking smashing in a short black dress cut low in back (White told her never to wear it backwards), continues her class act with a humorous speech showing what a good sport she is, retaining her grace and charm amidst the sordidness she was rudely thrown into, finally deflecting attention away from herself to ask for prayers for people being affected by the oil spill in the Gulf. You can see her speech in the video below.

Ken Jeong won for Best WTF Moment in The Hangover and though I’m not a fan (he grossly overacts in everything), he surprised me with a touching tribute to his wife, who has beaten cancer.

Host Aziz Ansari had a few funny moments, though not as many as I would’ve liked. Best bits: his spoof of Precious, complete with headband and chicken stealing, and playing a “swagga coach” named Taavon training an uncool Zach Galifianakis. (Taavon: “I only sit on things that are purple.”)

Winners:

Best Female Performance—Kristen Stewart (New Moon)

Best Breakout Star—Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air)

Best Scared-as-Sh*! Performance—Amanda Seyfried (Jennifer’s Body)

Best Kiss—Stewart and Robert Pattinson (New Moon)

Best WTF Moment—Ken Jeong (The Hangover)

Best Villain—Tom Felton (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

Biggest Badass Star—Rain

Best Male Performance—Robert Pattinson

Best Comedic Performance—Zach Galifianakis (The Hangover)

Best Movie—New Moon

Best Fight—Beyoncé and Ali Larter (Obsessed), though this award wasn’t televised

Did you see the show? What did you think? Favorite moments? Weirdest?

Photos by Picture Group

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Lee DeWyze Wins AMERICAN IDOL

Jason, you were right.

Lee DeWyze was crowned the ninth American Idol tonight, with the result coming at the end of a two-hour-plus show that was actually entertaining at times. DeWyze is a decent enough singer and seems like a nice guy, but when Crystal Bowersox so obviously outshines him in every way, I don’t know what to say about his victory.

So, I’ll just recap some of the things I liked about the show. Yes, most of these people are older and their voices are a little thinner, but they sang the music of my youth and made me feel 10 years old again.

The Bee Gees! If you know me at all, you know my soft spot for Bee Gees music. Maurice was missed since I’ll always think of the brothers as a trio but it was cool to have Barry and Robin Gibb come out singing “How Deep is Your Love.” When I was a kid learning English, I’d try to transcribe songs I heard on the radio and this was one of them since it was nice and slow. (I still had a little trouble: “And we’re living in a world of fools, drinking us down…”)
Alanis Morrissette sang with Crystal on “You Oughta Know,” which was kickin’. Alanis was classy enough to hold back vocally so she wouldn’t steal Crystal’s spotlight (I’ve seen Alanis live from the pit—she can blow!) and immediately stepped away when the song was over, giving Crystal the floor. I had to laugh, though, at the cleaned up lyric made safe for prime-time TV. Crystal sang, “Is she perverted like me? Would she go down with you to a theater?” Wait a minute, so every time I accompany someone to a theater, I’m a pervert? Dang, I guess I’ve been perverted my whole life, sometimes for hours in one day with double features.
Hall & Oates singing “You Make My Dreams Come True,” with Daryl Hall in strong voice and John Oates almost unrecognizable without his famous ‘stache. I suppose this is an appropriate song considering the occasion but I wish they’d sung “I Can’t Go for That”—I like that song’s groovy, sexy feel—instead of leaving it to the Idol guys, including 16-year-old Aaron Kelly singing lyrics like “I’d do anything that you want me to…,” which is kinda wrong.
Bret Michaels dueting with Casey James on “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” Six months ago, I couldn’t have cared less about this performance since I’m no Poison fan. But seeing Michaels come out to sing was pretty amazing, considering he was at death’s door just weeks ago due to a brain hemorrhage. He looked and sounded as if nothing had happened, with him and Casey shredding their guitars with glee and harmonizing as if they’d been doing it for years. I don’t care what anyone says—I think Casey’s a true rocker. Watch video below.
I had mixed feelings about Janet Jackson‘s two-number performance. The first song, “Nothing,” was kinda boring but the eery thing was she sounded exactly like Michael! If you closed your eyes, you would’ve thought MJ was singing. Her voice has never resembled his that much before so I don’t know what was going on. And then she got “Nasty”! Anybody getting nasty on stage is good entertainment.
Oh yeah, I guess I gotta mention all the Simon tributes. Paula looked great but should never do standup—so awkward up there trying to crack jokes. Simon should never try to act, like he did in that one skit with him and Randy waking up together in bed. Enjoyed the satellite toast from Ricky Gervais, always the funniest man in the room. Other than that, I’ll miss Simon but as Paula said, the show will go on. After tonight’s results, though, whether I’ll watch is yet to be decided.

What were your favorite moments? No, it couldn’t have been Lee singing with Chicago. What else? Did anyone vote for Lee? What did you think when Bret Michaels walked out on stage?

Photos: FOX

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Crystal vs. Lee: The Final Battle – AMERICAN IDOL Season 9

by Jason Matthews

America, as it often does, in its infinite wisdom, is about to make a mistake: They are going to name Lee DeWyze as the next American Idol.

Even more than last week, this week is hugely predictable. Even though Crystal outperformed, outcharmed and outclassed Lee, as she always does, Lee is going to win. Lee was a deer in a world full of headlights, while Crystal was the picture of calm (hippie) professionalism. Lee was uneven, pitchy and amateurish, while Crystal was invested, take-charge and spectacular (Simon was right, making “Black Velvet” interesting to listen to is as hard as fixing the economy). Lee biffed his final number, Crystal brought the house down. The judges seemed eager to tell Lee he was failing, and couldn’t jump high enough to stroke Crystal’s gross dreads. None of it matters. Crystal is about to join the exclusive club of Idol runner-ups who are better than their victors.

The producers started the mistake. Crystal was too far ahead from the beginning, a runaway winner. Worried the season would be boring, the judges started pushing other, lesser Idolists. Anyone remember the shortlived reign of Siobhan? Or the minute-long memory of a Tim Urban dark horse victory parade? But as the season wore on it became clear Lee was the patsy to beat. Suddenly he was pulling the anchor spot, getting a bagpipe backup and lauded with praise from the judges. And Crystal? She got her props, but it was always an afterthought, the presumed finalist. She couldn’t have been taken for granted more. Now look where we are.

In every way, Crystal Bowersox outshines Lee DeWyze. She is a better singer and musician. She is a better role model for aspiring Idolists. She opens far more interesting avenues for next season’s talent pool. She is unique, whip-smart and timeless. She is in the mold of the best and most successful former American Idols (Carrie and Kelly). Most importantly, she will sell more records. But don’t tell that to America, ’cause they want Lee.

Apparently, we haven’t gotten our fix of generic bland alt-rocker boys, ’cause we’re about to crown a third in a row (and our picks are getting more generic, more bland and less alt). And that’s just not OK. For this, and the above reasons, the departure of Simon, the misfire of Ellen DeGeneres, Randy’s continued uselessness, the diminishing of Ryan’s natural wonders owing to forced gusto over lacking Idolists, a scary decline in production quality, time management and contestant choice, for the fact that we’re batting .225 in winners picked (and that’s generous) and the fact the show is just too damn long, I suggest we call it a day on this once transcendent reality show.

Enjoy the finale for the spectacle and travesty that it is. Say your goodbyes to Simon. Gaze lovingly at Ryan Seacrest one more time. Visit Randy’s dog pound. Fake laugh at Ellen’s fake jokes. Be put off by Kara, again. Try to remember that day four hundred years ago when we were all in love with Didi Benami. Relive the mistake that was Andrew Garcia. Laugh at the rest of the talentless kids we put through this year. Marvel at the Idol Elders, all better in a blink than Lee is in a whole evening of effort. And then watch as he is crowned the next American Idol, while Crystal politely congratulates him, the judges force themselves to be happy for him, the Top 12 duly crowd around him, and he brutally murders U2’s “Beautiful Day.”

When that is all said and done, America, I suggest we follow the advice of our country’s greatest TV personality and call a “Seacrest OUT!” on this mistake of a season.

Thank you for sticking with me through the season, PCNers, I hope you enjoyed the reviews.

Jason OUT!

Photos: FOX

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Reaction: GREY’S ANATOMY Season 6 Finale (Spoilers)

Oh. Mah. GAH!!

*Spoilers! Don’t read if you haven’t seen it!*

Not much on TV surprises me anymore but during the Grey’s Anatomy finale last night, I jumped as if my pants were on fire. The first time Gary Clark (Michael O’Neill) pulled out his gun and just put one right between Reed’s eyes? Craaaazy! I knew it was coming but it was still so shocking. I might need to buy a new chair or at least replace the arms I shredded with my nails during intense scenes.

This episode made me glad I stayed with the show through the uneven seasons and botched storylines (anything revolving around Izzie); it proved Grey’s can still be heartstopping drama. I think this ep topped the ones with the bomb in the chest and the pole through two people from the train crash, both standouts from past seasons. For two hours, I barely breathed and just watched in horror as the gunman went on a rampage at Seattle Grace, mowing down innocents right and left. With Cristina (Sandra Oh) unknowingly giving him directions straight to Derek’s office! April drives me nuts sometimes with all her neuroses but Sarah Drew turned in powerful work (e.g. her reaction when she discovered Reed’s body), as did most of the cast. My guts were wrenched as Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) sobbed when she thought Derek (Patrick Dempsey) was dead, and then had to stay focused to treat Owen (Kevin McKidd) as her baby just died inside her. I did like how she and Cristina had to save each other’s man (the women ruled!), and I’m looking at Dr. Avery (Jesse Williams) with new eyes now that he stepped up and pulled that trick on Clark with the wires.

If I had to be super picky, I didn’t like how Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) had a complete turnaround at the end about wanting kids. She’d been so dead set against the idea and all of a sudden, she decided she wanted 10 children with Callie (Sara Ramirez). She just went through a seriously traumatic episode so I’m not sure how sound that decision was. I’m also not certain that Lexie (Chyler Leigh) loves Karev (Justin Chambers) instead of Sloan (Eric Dane). But these are little things. Overall, Shonda Rhimes kept me riveted without resorting to any special effects; she used good old-fashioned storytelling and that’s what made it special.

What did you think of the episode?

Nerd verdict: Heartstopping Anatomy finale

Photo: ABC/Scott Garfeld

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Final Showdown in Sight: Predicting Top 2 on AMERICAN IDOL S9

by Jason Matthews

As the dying whale carcass of this show lumbers slowly to the season finale shore, the machinations of the producers have become more and more transparent. It is clear as day that all involved want Crystal and Lee in the finale. From the low-fi song choice given to Casey to the anchor spot and gospel choir backup for Lee to the continued gushing over Crystal, American Idol was practically BEGGING us not to vote for lazy, lady-haired cougar bait Casey. Really though, who can blame them?

When you get to Top 3, reviewing performances is a bit redundant. We know all we need to know about the talent and skill of these kids, good or bad (mostly bad), so it’s really just who we like and don’t like as contestants. To that end we won’t be reviewing the performances from last night. But here’s a quick recap of last night’s show:

Ryan hates this season the most ’cause he had to give up his patented ‘THIS… is aMERIcan IDOL!” to the Top 3. The judges wake up, remember they are on camera, and then swiftly go back to sleep. Casey’s up first, he’s barely trying. Same as it ever was. The producers keep cutting to the audience where people are holding up signs for Lee. Always a good idea to show how little the audience respects the talent currently on stage. The judges automatically transfer $50 into your personal bank account so you won’t vote for Casey.

Crystal’s up, she’s fine, same as always, and the judges crank their BS up to 11 and practically step on throat of Melissa Etheridge’s reputation (who, by the way, has a really kick-ass new single on the radio) to call Crystal great for the 47th week in a row. Crystal forms her Caucasian dreadlocks into the shape of “DUH.”

Lee hits the stage, the crowd goes donkey-balls nuts, he sings as gruffly, blandly, Nickelback-y as humanly possible and the judges take turns having a compliment orgy over the thing. Somewhere in the world, David Cook just rolled his eyes, put on a pair of leather pants and full on blew the minds of an arena full of people. Same as it ever was. Lather, rinse, repeat, credits.

To make a very near perfect generalization, the Top 2 for every season of American Idol is always a dead heat, talent-wise. The Sanjayas, George Huffs, Scott Savols and Haley Mercados never make it this far. A fun personality and a catchy hook only get you so far; you have to be a real gamer to sing in the finale. Because of this, Top 3 is the most predictable results week of every season.

Casey James is going home. Let’s talk with facts, people, and those are the facts. Crystal and Lee gave two standout performances each, showed charisma, made smart choices, worked the crowd, and, you know, CARED. Casey looked half in the bag, bored by the spectacle, disinterested in the judges’ comments and not particularly upset when he got called out for being mediocre. He may become a top-selling country artist (and I believe he will be), but for now, he’s a disappointing, unworthy Idolist. All he had to do was show he really CARED about being the next American Idol and we would have considered vaulting him over Lee. We’re desperately seeking reasons to not be fake-wowed by his wannabe Daughtry ass, but Casey refused to give us any. And for that he will be sent home, so he can spend more time with his “music,” and by “music,” I of course mean “putting shiny conditioner in his lady hair.”

We’ll be back next week for an in-depth analysis of who deserves to be the Next American Idol. Until then, let’s all thank ABC for moving the Lost finale to Sunday so we Idolists can be free to attend the funeral for this hollow, empty season.

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Linking Up

No, that’s not an invitation to hook up later at a bar, just me posting a few links for you to click on if you want to catch up on some entertainment stuff. I could write a long post about everything but it’s Monday and I’ve got a plate of eggs to eat.

Gugu Mbatha-Raw & Boris Kodjoe star in UNDERCOVERS

The TV upfronts are this week, which means networks are announcing their fall schedules. NBC’s going first today; you can see clips from some of their new shows here. Though likable faces show up (Jimmy Smits! Amaury Nolasco!), I must say the clips are all underwhelming, even from the J.J. Abrams pilot, Undercovers, about husband-and-wife spies. Worst offenders are Perfect Couples and Jerry Bruckheimer’s Chase. Wayyy too much overacting going on.

The only ones that looked slightly interesting to me were Friends with Benefits (that gross kiss is kinda funny!) and Outsourced, at least until the lame joke about a character’s Indian name. Jokes about people’s foreign names are not funny! Especially when you’re in their country! (Kinda sore subject for me: I have a cousin named Dung, a perfectly decent Vietnamese name but imagine the kind of ribbing that gets here.)

I’m assuming you’ve heard about NBC’s cancellations of Mercy, Trauma, Heroes, and original flavor Law & Order. Taking L&O’s spot on Wednesdays at 10 p.m. is Law & Order: Los Angeles. Wow, what a revamp. I think the network changed coasts just to avoid paying Sam Waterston’s salary. No cast has been announced for the new version because the pilot script isn’t finished.

I know I sound a little skeptical right now but when fall comes around, I’ll probably sample each show at least once. My cynical heart still hopes something will surprise and entertain me like Glee and Cougar Town have this past season (oops, both are on different networks). I’m also happy Chuck was renewed and NBC is putting scripted programming in the 10 p.m. slot again.

Over at Fox, these four shows have been confirmed as pickups. Shawn Ryan’s Ride-Along looks most promising to me. Jennifer Beals as Chicago’s first female police chief? I’m there. Looks like the Steven Spielberg-produced Terra Nova got a spot, too, though the pilot, like LO:LA‘s, hasn’t even been shot. Apparently, the production designer from Avatar is being brought in but the premise sounds dicey to me. I have about as much interest in a prehistoric drama as I have in a bladder infection. (UPDATE: Glee just got the coveted post-Superbowl slot next year.)

OK, enough TV talk. There’s also a little film festival going on in Cannes right now, with lots of movies being screened and reviewed, including the Wall Street sequel (why?) and Woody Allen’s new one, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger. You can check out the Hollywood Reporter‘s extensive coverage here.

Do any of the new fall shows sound interesting to you? Were you heartbroken by any cancellations? Are you excited about yet another incarnation of The Three Musketeers, this time in 3D? How about the Martin Scorsese documentary on George Harrison?

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Betty White on SNL

Photo: NBC

Did you see Betty White hosting Saturday Night Live last night? It was one of the funniest episodes in years. She scored in almost every skit while the average host is lucky to get a couple laughs in the entire show. Though the running theme was “Let’s see how dirty Betty White can be” (it did get gimmicky towards the end), she was game and showed she could raunch it up with the best of them.

And she was among some of the best cast members from the show’s recent history. Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Molly Shannon, Rachel Dratch, Maya Rudolph and Ana Gasteyer returned to form an all-star company around Betty, with Shannon bringing back her Sally “I’m 50” O’Malley character, only to have Betty whup her ass (she did the kicks!) by declaring “I’m 90.”

Highlights: (click on links to watch the skits)

Gasteyer and Shannon reprising their roles of the droll NPR ladies hosting the Delicious Dish talk show, discussing food in double entendres (see: the famous Schweddy balls skit with Alec Baldwin). This time they bring on Betty to talk about her muffins. Gasteyer: “There’s a tangy taste in this muffin. Is that a cherry?” Betty: “My muffin hasn’t had a cherry since 1939.”
Betty giving wacky answers to Fey when Fey shows up at her apartment as a census taker. Asked what her ethnicity is, Betty replies, “Superior to Asians but not as intelligent as blacks.” Fey: “How many people live at this residence?” Betty: “Zero.” Fey: “You don’t live here?” Betty: “Oh, including me? Three.”
In her opening monologue, she makes fun of Facebook, which fans used to campaign for her hosting gig. “[In my day], we had poking but it wasn’t something you did on a computer. It was something we did on a hayride. Under a blanket.” She concluded by saying, “If I could, I would take you all on a big hayride.”
In an old-fashioned Little Women-style skit, Betty tells her girls if she could do it all over again, she’d probably be a lesbian. “There’s one thing I would not miss: balls.”
Betty telling some punks if they don’t shape up, they won’t get a fairy tale ending but will instead come face to face with “the Wizard of Ass” in prison.

What did you think of the show? Did you find Betty being naughty funny? Or did her saying “motherf***ker” go too far?

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Strangeness in the Night: AMERICAN IDOL Season 9 Top 5 Perform Sinatra

American Idol is officially asleep at the wheel. That’s the only explanation for how they allowed these 5 clowns to attempt to croon on national television, when not a one of them has the charisma, vocal chops or musicality to pull it off (yes, Crystal included). Harry Connick Jr. pulled a Ryan Seacrest and did EVERY job ever invented last night, from writing the arrangement to playing on stage with the Idolists to actually mentoring them (which means giving them constructive criticism that helped to enrich the performance, not saying nice things about them in the manner of Adam Lambert) to carrying the humor of the show. All Crystal, Mike, Aaron, Casey and Lee had to do was say words out loud in a melodic fashion, and yet they STILL failed miserably. What an abject failure of a performance night.

Why couldn’t Harry have just performed for an hour using different voices attributed to each Idolist (I’d die to hear his Aaron Kelly squeak)? Wouldn’t that have been more fun? Wouldn’t that have sounded better?

Here are the reviews of the performances, from best to worst.

Lee DeWyze – “That’s Life”

Photo: FOX

If Harry Connick Jr and Elijah Wood had a kid, it would be Lee DeWyze exactly. Wears a suit well, dreamy blue eyes, lovely singing voice, short as a hobbit and awkward when speaking. Lee gave the best of a bad bunch of performances. He dressed for the theme of the night, which is always a smart move. And he looked like he was actually enjoying himself, the way Frank Sinatra used to perform. Spectacular arrangement by Harry; wild to watch him stare in horror at his less talented doppelganger.

Crystal Bowersox – “Summer Wind”

Crystal was the only Idolist Harry took seriously. I loved his observation that the more obscure she makes her connection to the song, the more personal the audience will feel toward it. She looked FANtastic, shockingly sexy even. While the performance was a bit boring, with an unflattering, clunky arrangement, Crystal showed surprising genre range. Since Crystal is going to win this thing no questions asked, it’s good of her to give us a little taste of all the sounds she’ll be recording down the road. And it’s an ever better opportunity for us to prepare for all the sounds we’ll be ignoring when she records them.

Mike Lynche – “The Way You Look Tonight”

Was Harry blacking it up for Big Mike, or do we have to give him a pass for the jive talk ’cause he’s from the Treme? So look, Crooner Night carries an obvious level of fakeness, which, added to Mike’s natural resting state of corniness, automatically leaves a trail of bullshit a mile long. Putting a teeny tiny hat on such a giant head doesn’t make matters better. But if anyone was built for this night, it’s Big Mike, and he milked it for all it was worth. He’ll be back next week to give us more of that corniness we hatelove so much.

Aaron Kelly – “Fly Me To The Moon”

Never looked better, never sounded worse. He looked like the best-looking Newsie of Christian Bale’s dreams (speaking of, Aaron would make a FANtabs Cowboy Kelly in the remake), even though he was basically dressed for church. But that voice. That voice has no power to it. No danger to it. There is nothing sexy about it. So why would we buy him singing any Sinatra song, least of all “Fly Me To The Moon?”

Casey James – “Blue Skies”

The encapsulation of everything wrong with American Idol this season. Casey has the voice and attitude to croon. He has the look and the sex appeal. He can make it happen. So what does he do? Gives a half-assed, jokey, sloppy, karaoke performance that ensures him a ticket home. Who Gordon Gekko’d his hair? When did he put his voice into a meat grinder? Where was the pork pie hat? Why was he in an obnoxious purple shirt? What was he thinking??? Now we have to sit through a finale with boring-ass Lee. Thanks a bunch, Casey. Go take off your shirt for some cougars!

Does Idol have a chance to turn things around this season? Does anyone out there still care about these kids?

(Spoiler alert: both of those questions are rhetorical.)

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