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Reaction: GREY’S ANATOMY Season 6 Finale (Spoilers)

Oh. Mah. GAH!!

*Spoilers! Don’t read if you haven’t seen it!*

Not much on TV surprises me anymore but during the Grey’s Anatomy finale last night, I jumped as if my pants were on fire. The first time Gary Clark (Michael O’Neill) pulled out his gun and just put one right between Reed’s eyes? Craaaazy! I knew it was coming but it was still so shocking. I might need to buy a new chair or at least replace the arms I shredded with my nails during intense scenes.

This episode made me glad I stayed with the show through the uneven seasons and botched storylines (anything revolving around Izzie); it proved Grey’s can still be heartstopping drama. I think this ep topped the ones with the bomb in the chest and the pole through two people from the train crash, both standouts from past seasons. For two hours, I barely breathed and just watched in horror as the gunman went on a rampage at Seattle Grace, mowing down innocents right and left. With Cristina (Sandra Oh) unknowingly giving him directions straight to Derek’s office! April drives me nuts sometimes with all her neuroses but Sarah Drew turned in powerful work (e.g. her reaction when she discovered Reed’s body), as did most of the cast. My guts were wrenched as Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) sobbed when she thought Derek (Patrick Dempsey) was dead, and then had to stay focused to treat Owen (Kevin McKidd) as her baby just died inside her. I did like how she and Cristina had to save each other’s man (the women ruled!), and I’m looking at Dr. Avery (Jesse Williams) with new eyes now that he stepped up and pulled that trick on Clark with the wires.

If I had to be super picky, I didn’t like how Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) had a complete turnaround at the end about wanting kids. She’d been so dead set against the idea and all of a sudden, she decided she wanted 10 children with Callie (Sara Ramirez). She just went through a seriously traumatic episode so I’m not sure how sound that decision was. I’m also not certain that Lexie (Chyler Leigh) loves Karev (Justin Chambers) instead of Sloan (Eric Dane). But these are little things. Overall, Shonda Rhimes kept me riveted without resorting to any special effects; she used good old-fashioned storytelling and that’s what made it special.

What did you think of the episode?

Nerd verdict: Heartstopping Anatomy finale

Photo: ABC/Scott Garfeld

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Movie Review: SHREK FOREVER AFTER

After the rubbish that was Shrek the Third, I thought if the filmmakers wanted to give us a happily ever after, they should stop making Shrek movies. My reaction to news about this fourth installment was, “Really?! Is it called ‘Every Last (Henny) Penny Wrung’?”

So I don’t know if it was because of my low expectations but Shrek Forever After (opening Friday, May 21) is better than I thought it would be, though it’s not up to par with numbers 1 and 2 and really should be the last. It’s as if everyone went back to the drawing board to rediscover why the movies were good in the first place and made a concerted effort to justify this sequel’s existence. And that’s what Forever After does—go back in time and ask the It’s a Wonderful Life-ish question: What if Shrek (Mike Myers) had never been born and therefore never saved Fiona (Cameron Diaz) from the tower?

The situation stems from Shrek feeling too domesticated by his wife and three babies, fearing the loss of his true ogre-ness. He can’t take a mud bath in peace, his roar no longer scares anyone and is treated like a party trick. Rumpelstiltskin (Walt Dohrn) comes along and promises Shrek one day in which he can be a carefree ogre again, without any familial responsibilities to blunt his edge. Shrek must give Rumpy a day from his past in exchange, so the evil R (I’m not typing that long-ass name over and over) takes the one when Shrek was born. This creates an alternate universe in which Rump rules Far Far Away with witches as sycophants and ogres as slaves.

But Fiona doesn’t take the situation lying down. She has escaped the dragon’s keep all by herself and become a leader of the revolution to overthrow Rumpy’s tyranny. She doesn’t have time for romance; she doesn’t even know Shrek when he shows up. He has exactly one day to extract a true love’s kiss from her before he turns into nothingness.

The movie is darker in tone than I remember the others being, with scenes of ogres in chains and Donkey (Eddie Murphy) being repeatedly whipped while used to pull a carriage. Though cowed, Donkey still has his trademark mouthiness. When he meets Shrek and thinks the ogre is going to eat him, he yells: “Eat my face last and send my hooves to my mama!” Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) probably gets the most laughs as a fat lazy cat no longer wearing his trademark footwear. And I must admit a badass chain-mailed Fiona throwing knives is more interesting than Housewife Fiona.

Myers, Murphy and Diaz turn in their reliable voice work (while stars like Jon Hamm and Jane Lynch are underused), but the cool backstory here is that Dohrn, the movie’s story editor, got to voice Rumpelstiltskin. Early in production, Dohrn recorded temp tracks for the animators to use while drawing the character, fully expecting an actor to replace his voice in the final version. But DreamWorks Animation CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg apparently loved Dohrn’s work and kept it in, putting his name up in lights next to the A-list stars’. I’d call that a fairytale ending.

Nerd verdict: Diverting Forever After

Animation courtesy DreamWorks

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Book Review: Lesley Kagen’s TOMORROW RIVER

I had a lump in my throat most of the time while reading Lesley Kagen’s Tomorrow River because it’s such a heartbreaking story, but when the lump burst open at times, I found myself laughing instead of crying. And that’s what makes this book exceptional: It zigs right when you think it’s zagging left, it’s love-affirming when you think it can hurt you too much.

The story takes place in 1969 in Virginia’s Shenandoah Valley where the Carmody clan lives. Twelve-year-old Shenandoah AKA Shenny, named after her birthplace, narrates as she tries to find her mother who disappeared a year ago. Since then, Shenny’s twin sister Woody has gone mute and their father, a judge and the most respected man in town, has turned into a mean drunk. Shenny’s convinced that if she can just bring home Mother, her family will be loving and whole again.

Her attempts are hindered by her father forbidding the girls from leaving their property (perhaps to prevent them from vanishing, too), occasionally locking them in the root cellar if they disobey and sneak into town. The judge is also threatening to remarry and send Woody away to an institution if she doesn’t start speaking again. With the help of her friend E.J., Shenny eventually finds the answers she seeks, but realizes that she and her family will never be the same.

Though the story sounds grim, Shenny’s spunk will win you over. She knows she’s at risk of losing everything but refuses to relinquish her sense of humor, too. She doesn’t give in to self-pity because she can’t afford to, being the glue that’s barely holding her family together. Her resilience makes me ache for her more than if she were a weepy child. When you see a kid fall down but then try to be tough and not cry, it hurts more to witness than if she’d just bawl and get it over with.

Shenny’s stubborn hope in her increasingly distant father is reflected in the following passage:

I gave his horse a bath and cleaned his guns and he never seemed to notice. I’ve offered many times to spend the night constellation searching. I remind him how the astronauts are going to the moon next month and how we were going to celebrate that historic event with a party. I slip notes under his study door. In them, I tell him how much I love him and ask if there’s anything else I can do to comfort his heart….I sign the notes, Your beautiful daughter of the stars. I’m sure I’ll hear back from him any day now.

That kills me. I wanted to scream at the judge, “Answer the notes, man!”

But as I mentioned, Shenny’s plucky and funny, too. She describes the town punk thusly:

He’s what you’d call the bad boy of our town. A regular James Dean minus the good looks. Remmy’s built like a doorway, but his face is squashed in like he ran into a wall. And he doesn’t hardly ever wear a shirt and won’t care if you just about toss your biscuits looking at his spotty back. Worst of all? The boy’s got red hair…like Clarabelle’s and he’s just as honking dumb. The kid could throw himself on the floor and miss.

Later she mentions he has “teeth that are buck enough to eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.”

Kagen spins an ugly tale about family secrets using beautiful language, making it bittersweet. Her words effortlessly carry the reader to that specific time and place (I’m familiar with the area from attending college in Charlottesville) with a wonderful Southern rhythm that begs for the story to be read aloud. Kagen has also created indelible characters in Shenny and Woody, girls you want to throw your arms around and keep safe, allowing them to be children just a little while longer.

Nerd verdict: River runs deep

Buy Tomorrow River from Amazon
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Linking Up

No, that’s not an invitation to hook up later at a bar, just me posting a few links for you to click on if you want to catch up on some entertainment stuff. I could write a long post about everything but it’s Monday and I’ve got a plate of eggs to eat.

Gugu Mbatha-Raw & Boris Kodjoe star in UNDERCOVERS

The TV upfronts are this week, which means networks are announcing their fall schedules. NBC’s going first today; you can see clips from some of their new shows here. Though likable faces show up (Jimmy Smits! Amaury Nolasco!), I must say the clips are all underwhelming, even from the J.J. Abrams pilot, Undercovers, about husband-and-wife spies. Worst offenders are Perfect Couples and Jerry Bruckheimer’s Chase. Wayyy too much overacting going on.

The only ones that looked slightly interesting to me were Friends with Benefits (that gross kiss is kinda funny!) and Outsourced, at least until the lame joke about a character’s Indian name. Jokes about people’s foreign names are not funny! Especially when you’re in their country! (Kinda sore subject for me: I have a cousin named Dung, a perfectly decent Vietnamese name but imagine the kind of ribbing that gets here.)

I’m assuming you’ve heard about NBC’s cancellations of Mercy, Trauma, Heroes, and original flavor Law & Order. Taking L&O’s spot on Wednesdays at 10 p.m. is Law & Order: Los Angeles. Wow, what a revamp. I think the network changed coasts just to avoid paying Sam Waterston’s salary. No cast has been announced for the new version because the pilot script isn’t finished.

I know I sound a little skeptical right now but when fall comes around, I’ll probably sample each show at least once. My cynical heart still hopes something will surprise and entertain me like Glee and Cougar Town have this past season (oops, both are on different networks). I’m also happy Chuck was renewed and NBC is putting scripted programming in the 10 p.m. slot again.

Over at Fox, these four shows have been confirmed as pickups. Shawn Ryan’s Ride-Along looks most promising to me. Jennifer Beals as Chicago’s first female police chief? I’m there. Looks like the Steven Spielberg-produced Terra Nova got a spot, too, though the pilot, like LO:LA‘s, hasn’t even been shot. Apparently, the production designer from Avatar is being brought in but the premise sounds dicey to me. I have about as much interest in a prehistoric drama as I have in a bladder infection. (UPDATE: Glee just got the coveted post-Superbowl slot next year.)

OK, enough TV talk. There’s also a little film festival going on in Cannes right now, with lots of movies being screened and reviewed, including the Wall Street sequel (why?) and Woody Allen’s new one, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger. You can check out the Hollywood Reporter‘s extensive coverage here.

Do any of the new fall shows sound interesting to you? Were you heartbroken by any cancellations? Are you excited about yet another incarnation of The Three Musketeers, this time in 3D? How about the Martin Scorsese documentary on George Harrison?

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Nerdy Hot 10 List 2010

Maxim recently released its 2010 Hot 100 List of sexy women, which means it’s time for me to post my second annual list of nerdy hot guys—men known more for being quirky than chiseled—presented in no particular order. (Check out last year’s list here.)

Matt Damon. Yes, he’s ultra cool as Jason Bourne but also super nerdy as Mark Whitacre in The Informant and the Ocean’s movies. Rumor has it he’ll be Tina Fey’s next boyfriend on 30 Rock, which means he’ll be bringing the dorkiness. Can’t wait!
Craig Ferguson. He does the wackiest monologues in late night, and in a sexy Scottish brogue to boot.
Harry Connick Jr. Sure, he’s a talented musician, singer and actor, but he’s also a giant goofball. Did you see him on American Idol recently? Aaron Kelly thinks Connick should replace Simon as judge next year and I think that’s the best suggestion yet.
Robert Sean Leonard. His straight-laced Wilson is constantly being abused by House, but every once in a while, Wilson pulls a good prank on the mean doctor and I can’t resist a skilled prankster (as long as the joke’s on someone else).
Nathan Fillion. Whether he’s playing a space captain or crime novelist, he’s always just a little bit goofy and that’s why he’s on this list.
Hugh Grant. Good hair or not, he’s so awkward it’s almost difficult to watch him sometimes. But I do, because his discomfiture always makes me laugh.
Zachary Levi. He plays Chuck, a super nerd carrying a top secret government database in his head, but excuse me, THAT’s nerdy? The only things that make the character believable are Levi’s thespian skills, Chuck’s clumsiness and tendency to talk too much.
Matthew Morrison. Mr. Schue may lead the glee club and be unlucky with women, but if the glee club teacher in my school had looked and danced like him, I’d be a brilliant singer right now.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He plays outcasts in indie films and pines unrequitedly for Zooey Deschanel in (500) Days of Summer, but the dancing he did to Hall & Oates in the movie and later on Saturday Night Live? Retro sexy.
Jason Sudeikis. He’s often hidden behind ridiculous wigs & porn ‘staches on Saturday Night Live, but showed up looking perfectly cute as Floyd, Liz’s ex-boyfriend on 30 Rock.

Who’s on your nerdy hot list?

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Book Review: Stieg Larsson’s THE GIRL WHO KICKED THE HORNET’S NEST

It was with a sense of melancholy that I closed the cover on Stieg Larsson’s The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest (Knopf, May 25, U.S. release) after finishing the last page. For it is the last page; there will be no more Lisbeth Salander, a character I’ve been rooting for from the moment I met her in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, someone I’ve enjoyed spending time with, as antisocial as she is. I tried to prolong the experience, reading slowly and in small spurts, but failed miserably.

The events of the previous books in the Millenium trilogy have led to this (spoilers for those who haven’t read the other two books): Lisbeth being captured and put on trial for attempted murder, aggravated assault and other trumped up charges. She has to face Dr. Peter Teleborian, the nefarious psychiatrist who conspired with a maverick faction within the Secret Police to have Lisbeth sent away to an asylum when she was 12. Teleborian and his colleagues once again attempt to have her committed, neutralizing all claims of how they’ve abused her civil rights, but this time Lisbeth fights back with the help of her journalist friend, Mikael Blomkvist, and his lawyer sister, Annika Giannini, who decides to rep Lisbeth.

Meanwhile, the police are searching for her murderous half-brother Ronald Niedermann, who has unfinished business with Lisbeth. The two share the blood of their father, a depraved Russian spy defector, and in the end, Lisbeth must decide how much she’s willing to sacrifice in order to stop the evil from spreading. (End spoilers.)

While misogyny has been a running theme in these books, the other two also had strong mysteries built in. There are mystery elements here (who’s sending hate mail and stalking Erika Berger, former editor of Millenium magazine?) but I felt Larsson finally going all out with his condemnation of how some men still treat women, of how absolute power corrupts when there’s no one to watch the watchers (it’s convenient that one of the heroes is a journalist, as Larsson was). A dirty police inspector thinks the following while looking at Lisbeth:

She’s fucking retarded, [he] thought…He reminded himself that she was a lesbian and consequently not a real woman.

The fight Lisbeth now has on her hands is less a physical one than an intellectual one, for she must prove she’s not only mentally competent now but always has been. She must convince the judge that she and her rights have been repeatedly violated by men in power, not just because she’s a woman but a smart and resourceful one, a threat to those with malicious intent. These are big claims from a petite girl and I’ll just say her day in court is immensely satisfying.

Before she can get there, Lisbeth spends much of the book in seclusion (though she’s hardly idle), first in a hospital with a police guard then in jail awaiting trial. Because she’s such a badass, I wanted her out putting the hurt on those who deserve it. But she does have a final confrontation in which she makes a surprising decision, one which shows how her travails have changed her. And while I was sad to say goodbye, it’s good to leave her in a hopeful place, one in which she may no longer need to play with fire or kick hornets’ nests.

Nerd verdict: Girl finishes strongly

Buy The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest from Amazon
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Movie Review: LETTERS TO JULIET

Letters to Juliet (opening Friday, May 14) is like a chocolate truffle—a little too sweet, delicious-looking but not that filling.

Sophie (Amanda Seyfried), a fact checker and aspiring writer at The New Yorker, takes a pre-honeymoon to Verona, Italy with her fiancé, Victor (Gael Garcia Bernal), since it’s the only time he can spare before the opening of his restaurant. Victor is immediately caught up in finding the perfect truffles and wine for his restaurant, leaving Sophie alone to explore the town and Juliet’s house. There she finds letters taped to the wall, messages from women asking Juliet for advice, romantic and otherwise. Sophie also meets a group of women who answer these letters, calling themselves secretaries of Juliet.

After finding a letter from 1957 written by a Claire Smith (Vanessa Redgrave) about her lost love Lorenzo Bartolini, Sophie writes the woman back, encouraging her to find him. Soon, Claire shows up with her impatient grandson, Charlie (Christopher Egan), and the three set off to visit all the Lorenzo Bartolinis within a certain radius to see if The One is among them (a montage with several different Lorenzos is quite amusing). Along the way, the annoyance Charlie and Sophie feel for each other develops into something else.

The main reasons to see this movie are the resplendent Vanessa Redgrave—she practically radiates light on screen—and the gorgeous Italian scenery. Redgrave elevates the material with her mere presence, giving it an elegance it may have lacked otherwise. It’s because of her I found my eyes wet at one point.

The sun-drenched Verona and Siena vistas are another major draw, at least for me, since I went there several years ago and this was like my travel album coming alive but with better pictures. If you’ve never been, it’ll serve as a beautiful primer and/or inexpensive virtual vacation. You’ll want to eat Italian food afterward, drink Carpazo wine and take a long drive in the countryside.

Seyfried makes a plucky enough heroine, crying beautifully when required, but there’s nothing especially appealing about Egan. The two generate more heat when they’re bickering than when they have to look at each other with moony eyes; their reversal of feelings seems rushed to me. Despite their lead billing, their story doesn’t have the emotional resonance of Claire and Lorenzo’s affair. Claire’s true love is played by Franco Nero and, interestingly enough, the cinematic story mirrors the two actors’ real history. After beginning a romance over 40 years ago, Redgrave and Nero separated then reconnected and married less than four years ago. Art imitates life, indeed.

Nerd verdict: Letters not first class, but visually pleasing

All photos by John Johnson/Summit Entertainment

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Betty White on SNL

Photo: NBC

Did you see Betty White hosting Saturday Night Live last night? It was one of the funniest episodes in years. She scored in almost every skit while the average host is lucky to get a couple laughs in the entire show. Though the running theme was “Let’s see how dirty Betty White can be” (it did get gimmicky towards the end), she was game and showed she could raunch it up with the best of them.

And she was among some of the best cast members from the show’s recent history. Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Molly Shannon, Rachel Dratch, Maya Rudolph and Ana Gasteyer returned to form an all-star company around Betty, with Shannon bringing back her Sally “I’m 50” O’Malley character, only to have Betty whup her ass (she did the kicks!) by declaring “I’m 90.”

Highlights: (click on links to watch the skits)

Gasteyer and Shannon reprising their roles of the droll NPR ladies hosting the Delicious Dish talk show, discussing food in double entendres (see: the famous Schweddy balls skit with Alec Baldwin). This time they bring on Betty to talk about her muffins. Gasteyer: “There’s a tangy taste in this muffin. Is that a cherry?” Betty: “My muffin hasn’t had a cherry since 1939.”
Betty giving wacky answers to Fey when Fey shows up at her apartment as a census taker. Asked what her ethnicity is, Betty replies, “Superior to Asians but not as intelligent as blacks.” Fey: “How many people live at this residence?” Betty: “Zero.” Fey: “You don’t live here?” Betty: “Oh, including me? Three.”
In her opening monologue, she makes fun of Facebook, which fans used to campaign for her hosting gig. “[In my day], we had poking but it wasn’t something you did on a computer. It was something we did on a hayride. Under a blanket.” She concluded by saying, “If I could, I would take you all on a big hayride.”
In an old-fashioned Little Women-style skit, Betty tells her girls if she could do it all over again, she’d probably be a lesbian. “There’s one thing I would not miss: balls.”
Betty telling some punks if they don’t shape up, they won’t get a fairy tale ending but will instead come face to face with “the Wizard of Ass” in prison.

What did you think of the show? Did you find Betty being naughty funny? Or did her saying “motherf***ker” go too far?

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Movie Review: BABIES

Let me be clear. I’m not into cutesy stuff. You try baby talkin’ to me, I will probably punch you. I don’t fall for awwwjerking entertainment.

Ponijao

But I love cute babies and Babies (opening today, limited release) has four of them. Producer Alain Chabat, who came up with the idea, and director Thomas Balmès documented the kids from birth to first steps by letting the camera observe them in their natural habitats with no interference (which gets a little nerve-wracking sometimes).

Bayar

The cast: Ponijao, a Namibian girl; Bayarjargal, a boy from Mongolia; Mari, a Japanese girl, and Hattie, a girl from San Francisco. There’s hardly any dialogue or music; adults are practically extras. The babies are the main attractions and they are enough to carry the movie.

Mari

My favorite segments are with Bayar, the adventurer who roams free on all fours among cows and goats, and Ponijao, who loves sticking everything in her mouth, including a bone of unknown origin found in the dirt. Mari has one of the funniest scenes in the movie, throwing herself on the ground in fits of despair when she can’t figure out the concept of simple toys. Surprisingly, the parts with Hattie are least engrossing, though it’s no fault of hers. Because her American upbringing is so familiar—playgrounds, Kindermusik-type lessons, parents reading parenting books—her experiences offer no new insight.

Hattie

Watching these babies discover the world is a delight, even if it was difficult at times to see Ponijao and Bayar surrounded by flies. I wanted to reach through the screen and wipe their faces, yank out things that shouldn’t be in their mouths. But whether crawling in dirt naked or being carted around in strollers, the babies are much more resilient than we give them credit for, and they don’t need fancy trappings in order to thrive. Bayar looks elated eating toilet paper, while Ponijao finds wonder in licking a dog. And can you remember when your own feet fascinated you? Director Balmès doesn’t try to hit us over the head with any kind of statement; for me, Babies was a simple reminder that no matter how we were raised, we were born strong and can find joy anywhere.

Now excuse me while I go play with my toes.

Nerd verdict: Fun to watch Babies

Photos courtesy Focus Features

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Book Review: Lee Child’s 61 HOURS

After 13 books, you may think you know Jack Reacher pretty well but in 61 Hours (Delacorte, May 18), Lee Child allows small, revealing glimpses into Reacher’s psyche that might surprise you. This 14th novel is different from the rest in quite a few ways, hinting at more revelations in future installments, starting with the one coming out October 19 (two books in one year is also a change for Child).

Reacher is on a bus doing his nomad thing when it skids on ice and crashes in Bolton, South Dakota in the middle of a blizzard. The cops can’t come to the passengers’ aid right away because they have another situation on their hands—providing 24/7 protection to an important witness in an upcoming drug trial. Knowing a useful ally when they see one, the police recruit Reacher to become part of the witness’s protective detail against an unknown assassin. The case is complicated by riots at the newly installed prison and mysterious dealings in an abandoned military building just outside of town. During all this, a clock is ticking down from 61 hours to an explosive, cliff-hanging ending.

One of the reasons I love Child’s books is the rocket-speed action. Here, it slows down as Reacher spends most of the 61 hours waiting in the witness’s home for a showdown with the hitman. At first, I thought, “Come on! Knock some heads!” But as the book moves along, I realized the tradeoff is the lovely bond Reacher forms with the witness, a wise old woman who sees through his tough-guy exterior and asks him hard questions about the real reasons why he chooses a rootless life.

His relationship with the requisite Reacher babe, a woman who has his old army job as CO of the 110th Special Unit, takes on an entirely different nature than what we normally see him engage in. The CO eventually uncovers information about Reacher dating back to childhood. As she wonders, “Why was the army holding paper on a six-year-old kid?”

In the end, Reacher does kick a little ass (literally—you’ll see when you read it) after experiencing a moment of vulnerability that scared me a little (Reacher can NOT doubt himself!). This just means, though, there’s still a lot left to learn about him, a good thing in a long-running series.

Nerd verdict: Reacher is changed in Hours

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The Right Movie for Your Mother

Since this coming Sunday is Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking about what to get my mom. Which led me to thinking about movies about mothers and how DVDs would make great gifts.

But there are different kinds of mothers and you can’t just buy The Hurt Locker for someone who loves Sandra Bullock comedies, or Avatar for a woman who likes good movies.

Therefore, I’ve devised the short quiz below to help you to determine what kind of mother you have and the corresponding flick she might enjoy.

1. In high school, if she found out you were being bullied, she would:

a) strap on a giant machine gun and go confront the offending kid’s parents

b) call up the bully’s house and make snarky comments to put the kid in his/her place

c) sing a song about how you should send out an S.O.S. next time it happens

d) sue the bully’s family

e) tell you that suffering is part of life

2. If you got bad grades, she would:

a) say you have MUCH bigger things to worry about, like killer robots

b) say, “Oh well, at least you’re not pregnant!”

c) tell you it’s okay, you’ll always have a job helping her run the family business

d) lecture you long and hard about how you might end up in a trailer park with babies by different daddies if you don’t get your act together

e) tell you not to worry since you’d be married by 18 anyway. In fact, she’d already arranged your marriage for you.

3. Her relationship guideline is:

a) Make sure someone’s not from the future before you sleep with them

b) You should wait until marriage to have kids, or at least until you’re out of your teens

c) Don’t date 3 people at once

d) You should date people with nice jobs, like in a law firm, but bikers can be nice, too

e) You must marry Asian!

4. Her career advice:

a) Acquire leadership skills and learn how to use heavy weaponry

b) It’s cool if you just want to hang out, write songs and play guitar with your geeky friend

c) Don’t run your own business because you’ll work all night and work all day and still have nothing left

d) Work hard, stick to your convictions, but wearing a good push-up bra can’t hurt

e) What career? Your job is to have babies and take care of your husband

5. Her life philosophy:

a) Trust no one

b) Never lose your sense of humor

c) Be open about your past, even if you were a little slutty

d) Don’t be a f*cking hypocrite

e) Small feet are better

If your answers are:

Mostly a’s—Your mom would love a copy of Terminator 2: Judgment Day. She’ll enjoy another viewing of it while she polishes her M16s.

Mostly b’s—I’d recommend a DVD of Juno as a thank-you for all those times she stood by you and didn’t judge even though you screwed up.

Mostly c’s—Your mother will feel a kinship with Meryl Streep’s character in Mamma Mia! And since she’s been working so hard, maybe you can throw in plane tickets to the Greek islands, too.

Mostly d’s—Send your mom a copy of Erin Brockovich with a card telling her she’ll always look fab in tight skirts and heels.

Mostly e’s—Invite your mother over for dinner, making sure the table is set properly and the soup isn’t too salty, and then present her afterward with a DVD of Joy Luck Club and the latest pictures of your 6 children, showing them playing piano or chess.

What will you give your mom?

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Book Review: Jean Kwok’s GIRL IN TRANSLATION

Just as Jean Kwok is hesitant to reveal how similar her novel Girl in Translation is to her real story, I wondered if I could review it without getting too personal about why it moved me. Well, I could, but it’d be a vague, disconnected review. So, I decided to write this one.

The titular girl is eleven-year-old Kimberly Chang, who emigrates from Hong Kong to America with her mother. They land in Brooklyn where her aunt Paula gives them work in the sweatshop she owns with her American husband. Aunt Paula also puts them up in a squalid apartment in a condemned building with no central heat but plenty of roaches. Kimberly helps her mom at the factory after school every day, doing her homework late at night.

Luckily, as Kimberly says, “I’ve always had a knack for school.” Despite her lack of English skills, she excels in science and wins full scholarships, first to an exclusive prep school then Yale. But the road to success isn’t an easy one, as Kimberly struggles between feelings of duty towards her mother and feelings of a different kind for a boy at the factory. She eventually makes a difficult choice that leads to both love and loss.

Reading this book, I felt like someone had stolen some of my memories and spilled them out on the page. Kwok’s depiction of how Kimberly’s classmates and teacher (!) make fun of her took me right back to fourth grade when I’d just arrived in America and kids pushed me in hallways and laughed at my mismatched clothes. Kwok speaks from inside that feeling of alienation, of being treated as stupid even though you’re not. Immigrant or no, who hasn’t felt that way?

I could also relate to Kimberly’s confusion when encountering her classmates’ childhood games:

They were busy with cooties: catching them, getting rid of them and inoculating themselves against them…I had no idea what cooties were and often ended up as the recipient of all the cooties in the class.

I used to get all the cooties, too, and still don’t know what they are.

Kwok puts the reader in Kimberly’s head by using a voice that’s both innocent and too knowing for her age. The author doesn’t explain everything Kimberly sees, leaving it up to the reader to figure it out as Kim does, so we can discover her new world along with her. Her first lunch in the school cafeteria sounds almost identical to one of my first meals in America and her reaction also resembles mine at the time:

I wound up with this: minced meat in the form of a saucer, potatoes that were not round but had been crushed into a pastelike substance, a sauce similar to soy sauce but less dark and salty, a roll and milk. I had hardly ever drunk cow’s milk before and it gave me a stomachache. The rest of the food was interesting, although there was no rice and I felt as if I hadn’t really eaten.

But you don’t need to be an immigrant to appreciate this story. We can all use a reminder that even if we’ve got it tough, there’s always someone whose wildest dreams is to have what we have. If we’re unhappy with our lives, we have the freedom to change it. Sometimes perseverance isn’t enough; we must find a way to overcome. It may require great sacrifices but can result in even greater fulfillment.

Nerd verdict: Resonant Translation

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