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Fall Movie Trailers 2010

This year’s summer flicks have been so underwhelming, I can’t help fast forwarding to fall movies. Saw a few trailers in the past week that have me pretty excited. Any of these look good to you?

Harry Potter and the Death Hallows, Part 1 (November)

The other trailers for this movie left me feeling “meh.” This new one, released today, is the first that makes the movie look epic and highstakesful. Will you see it in IMAX 3D?

Red (October)

Tell me this movie doesn’t look funny and kick-ass at the same time. Can Helen Mirren be any more awesome? Throw her in with Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Mary-Louise Parker as a group of Retired and Extremely Dangerous ex-CIA agents and I’m there.

Conviction (October)

The buzz is that the third Annette Bening vs. Hilary Swank smackdown might occur at the Academy Awards next year, with Bening getting strong notices for The Kids Are All Right while Swank looks like Oscar bait in this true story about a woman who goes to law school just so she can get her wrongly convicted brother out of jail.

The American (September)

George Clooney plays an assassin in Italy doing one last assignment. I like Clooney and love Italian scenery so it’s a safe bet I’ll be checking out this one.

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest (October)

The Girl Who Played with Fire is coming out in a couple weeks (as well as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on DVD) and I’m already looking forward to the final film in the trilogy. Lisbeth rules. Speaking of Lisbeth, have you read this Stieg Larsson parody by Nora Ephron from the New Yorker?

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Movie Review: KNIGHT AND DAY

I’ve never been a big fan of Tom Cruise, even before all the crazy talk and couch jumping. He comes across exactly the same way in every movie, no matter who he plays, even Les Grossman in Tropic Thunder. Imagine my surprise, then, when I found myself liking him as Roy Miller in Knight & Day (out today) more than I’ve liked him in anything for a loooong time. It’s as if he realized he doesn’t have to try so hard to prove he’s a mega star.

Roy and June (Cameron Diaz) meet in an airport as she’s flying to Boston to attend her sister’s wedding. They bump into each other twice and it’s super cute with lots of smiles and “No, I’m sorry”s. We know Roy is manipulating the encounters; we just don’t know why. Then they both end up on the same plane and all sorts of crazy stuff breaks out. There are fights in tight spaces and creative use of seat belts and cords from oxygen masks.

After a crash landing, lots of other outrageous things happen in quick succession, with everyone chasing a MacGuffin all over the globe, from Massachusetts to Spain to Austria. Not all of it makes sense but you really don’t need to understand everything. It’s just an excuse to watch Cruise and Diaz banter and have a lot more fun here than they did in Vanilla Sky. Though Roy is a highly skilled action hero, he’s also a former Eagle Scout who’s soft-spoken and polite even while dispatching baddies. “Please move,” he nicely asks a bystander during a fight right before he slams into the space where the person was standing. When June freaks out in the midst of massive gunfire, he says in a calming voice, “I’ll just go talk to these guys and I’ll be right back. Actually, I’m just gonna shoot them, but I’ll be right back, okay?” Instead of busting a vein trying to show us how badass he is, Cruise relaxes into Roy’s gentlemanly ways and the result is rather charming.

Diaz’s June screams a lot at first but the actress manages to make her character’s reactions more realistic than annoying. If I were repeatedly thrown into a hail of bullets, dodging firebombs from airplanes and chased by bulls in Seville, I’d probably behave that way, too. But June eventually gets the hang of things and it’s entertaining to see her develop her action muscle.

Supporting cast includes Viola Davis, who’s completely wasted in the role of an FBI muckety muck, and Peter Sarsgaard, who is problematic because you know he’s a bad guy the instant he appears on screen. No, really, Roy tells June in the beginning if she runs into Sarsgaard, he’s a bad guy. I thought, “Well, duh. It’s Sarsgaard. No warning required.” But this isn’t a big hindrance because the movie isn’t about him. You sign up for the thrill ride with Cameron and Tom as your energetic Cruise directors.

Nerd verdict: Go where the Day takes you.

Photos: Frank Masi

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PCN Weekend Roundup

Photo: Disney/Pixar

On Friday, I saw Toy Story 3 in 3D (it made $109M over the weekend). You’ve probably seen or heard a lot about it by now so I don’t need to go into detail. I’ll just say, yes, I cried. It reminded me of Christopher Robin telling Pooh he has to leave 100 Acre Wood: “I’m not going to do Nothing any more.” Pooh asks, “Never again?” and Christopher Robin says, “Well, not so much. They don’t let you.” Then he asks, “Pooh, whatever happens, you will understand, won’t you?” And “Action!” on the tears streaming down my face.

That’s pretty much what happens in TS3, as the toys come to terms with Andy going away to college and their losing relevance in his life. Their little CGI faces, especially during a pretty disturbing scene where they hold hands and accept their fate, express more emotional depth than some human actors can muster (*cough, Nicolas Cage, cough*). Saying good-bye to our childhood is hard but if we haven’t done it, we wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the beauty of this movie. Nerd verdict: Moving Story.

Saturday morning, I finished Cammie McGovern‘s new novel, Neighborhood Watch, after having started it Friday afternoon. It reads like Desperate Housewives, with polite, attractive people living on a bucolic street named after a shrub, hiding secrets in their basements and occasionally committing murder. Betsy Treading, dubbed the Librarian Murderess, is released after being falsely convicted and spending twelve years in prison for killing her neighbor, Linda Sue (not sure about her last name since it says Murphy on the dust jacket but she’s referred to as Linda Sue Nelson in the book). Betsy moves back to Juniper Lane, staying with a friend and looking for the real killer before she can move on.

McGovern has a subtle way of divulging the characters’ secrets that’s quite seductive. Instead of one big revelation, she leaks little tidbits in each chapter, making it seem almost accidental that the information slipped out at all until you realize somewhere near the end you have all the pieces. Many of the characters are flawed but sympathetic and Betsy makes an effective heroine, most touching when she finds a surprisingly tender relationship in an unexpected place. Nerd verdict: Engrossing Watch.

From L: me, Juliet, Sue Ann, Sophie, Travis

My favorite nerd experience this weekend was seeing the dynamic duo of Juliet Blackwell and Sophie Littlefield at their Mystery Bookstore joint signing in Westwood. Blogger extraordinaire le0pard13 also showed up with his lovely daughter and her friend and I had the pleasure of meeting both.

Sophie read from Juliet’s A Cast-Off Coven, the second in her Witchcraft Mystery series about Lily Ivory, while Juliet read from Sophie’s A Bad Day for Pretty, the second adventure featuring the kick-ass Stella Hardesty. (Sophie revealed the tentative titles for the next two Stella books but I’ll await her permission before blabbing.) These are smart books by amazing women so if you haven’t read them yet, you should immediately consider doing so before Stella comes looking for you with her bondage kit and/or Lily throws some black magic your way.

After the signing, which I survived without getting yelled at for climbing on furniture (thank you, Linda!), I got to dine with Sophie, Juliet and three other writers, Paul Levine, Sue Ann Jaffarian and Travis Richardson, all funny, fabulous people. Sophie and Juliet had promised pole dancing but I guess our hunger took precedence (author Stephen Blackmoore, who attended the signing, had also said he’d strip but chickened out last minute).

Dinner conversation included all sorts of interesting topics. Some were X-rated so I can’t recount them here without illustrations but I’m just not good at finger painting. At one point, we did discuss the following question, which I’ll end with, since it’s Monday and you might feel the need to be armed:

If you were a ninja, which weapon would you have?

For the record, I’d carry a sword, throwing stars and a Kenny G CD. Hit the comments and let me know your weapon of choice!

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Movie Review: CYRUS

I usually find Jonah Hill obnoxious in the roles he’s played but he surprised me in Cyrus, the indie film written and directed by brothers Jay and Mark Duplass (limited release, June 18). Hill plays the title character, a son in arrested development who lives with his mama (Marisa Tomei) and loves her just a little too much. When John (John C. Reilly) starts dating Molly and the relationship quickly turns serious, Cyrus launches a passive-aggressive attack—passive and needier than ever with Mom, escalating war when he’s alone with John. What results is a lesson for all parties involved in knowing when to let go and when to fight for something.

Hill is the revelation here. Shorn of his big hair, he’s lowered his usual manic energy to a stillness and fake politeness that makes him a disturbing opponent, a barely contained nutjob you keep waiting to go off the deep end. When Molly is in the room, Cyrus turns on big innocent eyes a la Puss in Boots in the Shrek movies, but then gives John the finger and mouths profanities at him behind Mom’s back. Cyrus’s nastiness isn’t surprising if you’ve seen Hill in movies like Superbad, but the actor also displays a vulnerable side here that suggests he’s got solid dramatic chops.

Reilly turns in masterful work as usual, making us believe a schlub like him could actually land a sexy woman like Tomei (“I’m like Shrek. What are you doing in the forest with Shrek?”). John is too raw and honest for most humans but we can see why he’s endearing to Molly, who’s way past falling for guys who play games. Tomei once again proves her long-ago Oscar is not a fluke, imbuing Molly with a wariness that makes her believable as someone unlucky in love despite her obvious physical gifts.

Though Oedipal tones and wrongness abound, the uncomfortable situations give rise to quite a few laughs. Is it wrong for Cyrus to wrestle with his mother? Did she breastfeed him for wayyy too long? It sounds absurd but the Duplass brothers keep the story grounded in these three lonely people’s need for love and prevent the movie from spinning into ridiculousness. The ending feels a little too pat but after all the weirdness, I was ready for these characters to have a little hope.

Nerd verdict: Sweet, funny Cyrus

Photos: Chuck Zlotnick

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Stan Lee: African-American Spider-Man Would be “Confusing”

Photo: Gregg DeGuire/WireImage

Stan Lee has finally spoken out about the Twitter campaign that’s been going on for some time to get Donald Glover, an African-American actor who’s currently on Community, to play Spider-Man in the movie reboot. You can listen to the entire statement here but the major points Lee made were:

“I don’t ever want to make it sound like I’m trying in any way to influence the Marvel people as to who to cast in any roles. That isn’t my job.”
“We’ve already had the Kingpin in ‘Daredevil’ portrayed by a black man [Michael Clarke Duncan], where he was white in the comics, and we’ve had Nick Fury portrayed by a black man [Samuel L. Jackson] where he was white in the comics. But not that many people had seen these characters—not that many moviegoers are familiar with them.”
“Everybody seems to be familiar with Spider-Man, so I say that it isn’t that it’s a racial issue—it’s just that it might be confusing to people. But that’s a matter for the people at Marvel to take into consideration. I certainly don’t want to weigh in on it in any way except to say I think Glover is a fine actor.”

I agree with Mr. Lee that it wouldn’t be a racial issue if Marvel doesn’t want to consider African-American actors for Spidey. It’s more about how we’ve always envisioned him. If the Wonder Woman movie ever gets made, I wouldn’t want a blond actress playing her (well, she’d have to dye her hair or don a wig), not because I’m a blondist but because the image of the brunette WW has been ingrained in me since I was a kid and I don’t want it messed with. I wouldn’t want a waifish actress, either, because WW is curvy and strong. And she’d have to wear the red, white and blue suit; they absolutely cannot put her in some black, sleek leather outfit like they’re considering for Thor. A commenter (who says he’s black) at scifiwire.com said he would find a black Spidey confusing, just as he would if a white man plays Shaft.

My informal poll: Are there certain characters (not just superheroes) whose image is inviolable to you?

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FaithfulGLEE

**Spoilers: Do not read if you haven’t seen Glee finale**

Photo: FOX

New Directions may not have been good enough to win regionals, but they showed a lot of heart, which is the perfect summary for Glee‘s finale. The episode wasn’t great but gets credit for unabashedly wearing its heart on its sleeve.

This may sound obnoxious but I knew our gang wouldn’t win because they’d have no place to go next season. I wish we’d been able to see Aural Intensity’s performance to 1) determine if they indeed deserved runner-up and 2) the Josh Groban/Olivia Newton-John mash-up sounds awesome!

The Journey medley was spirited—those songs bring back a lot of fond memories for me—but Puck should’ve taken lead male vocals because he’s much stronger than Finn. It’s embarrassing every time Rachel comes in and just blows Finn’s breathy voice out of the water.

Vocal Adrenaline’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” was certainly polished but they should call themselves Dancing Adrenaline with Only One Guy Singing. It was not a good representation of group vocals. I didn’t find the intercutting between the number and Quinn giving birth that clever, either; it felt more manipulative. And I’m not sure how adoption works but doesn’t Ms. Corcoran have to go through some kind of lengthy process where she and her home would have to be checked out to make sure they’re fit for a baby? Can she just say, “I’ll take her” and have the hospital hand over Beth like that? Ms. Corcoran could be a secret heroin addict, for all anyone knows. Can someone enlighten me on this subject?

Highlights for me:

Olivia Newton-John playing bitchy and snooty. “Are they a poor person’s school?” she asks, referring to McKinley, and “Brunettes have no place in showbiz” when discussing Rachel. I idolized ONJ as a kid and loved her sweet girl-next-door image so this really amused me.
Josh Groban hitting on Sue! I’ve found Groban hilarious since seeing him in the “I’m F*#cking Ben Affleck” video.
Quinn’s mom saying she kicked Quinn’s dad out of the house because “he was having an affair with a tattooed freak.” Jesse James got slapped!
Mike (Other Asian) and Matt (Shaft) had lines.
“To Sir with Love” was touching, since I didn’t expect to see Santana or Brittany crying. They actually care about glee club! Sue’s crying was most surprising of all but I’m not sure I buy that. It kinda came out of nowhere.
Mr. Schue singing Iz’s version of “Over the Rainbow” to his kids with Puck on accompaniment, ending the show on a lovely note.

Were you satisfied or disappointed? Did you cry? How do you feel about John Stamos coming on next year to play Emma’s dentist boyfriend, Carl?

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MTV Movie Awards 2010: One Long WTF Moment

The MTV Movie Awards have a category called Best WTF Moment but I thought most of the show could be labeled thusly, minus the “best.” Why did Olympic gold medalist Shaun White present a trophy dressed like Crocodile Dundee? Why was he there at all? Who told Christina Aguilera to place a glowing heart on her vagina?

Cruise as Grossman

Tom Cruise opened the show as the bald, profane Les Grossman character from Tropic Thunder. I didn’t like his performance in the movie and I didn’t like it here. The problem: Cruise doesn’t know how to truly transform himself into a character. When Meryl Streep or Dustin Hoffman takes on a character vastly different from themselves—heck, let’s just take Eddie Murphy in the Nutty Professor movies or Robert Downey Jr. in Thunder. These actors know it’s not enough just to slap on a fat suit, wig or bald cap. They change their voice. Cruise sounds exactly the same no matter what character he plays, making me think, “Oh, that’s just Tom Cruise cussing in a fat suit.” And that gets old real fast.

The highlight was no doubt Sandra Bullock’s appearance to accept the Generation Award, presented to her by Betty White, Bradley Cooper and…Scarlett Johansson? Johansson’s role in the presentation was unclear at first since she had nothing to say, but then she ended up in a quick liplock with Bullock to make up for Bullock and Ryan Reynolds, Johansson’s husband, not winning the Best Kiss award.

But that’s not the highlight, at least not for me. Bullock, looking smashing in a short black dress cut low in back (White told her never to wear it backwards), continues her class act with a humorous speech showing what a good sport she is, retaining her grace and charm amidst the sordidness she was rudely thrown into, finally deflecting attention away from herself to ask for prayers for people being affected by the oil spill in the Gulf. You can see her speech in the video below.

Ken Jeong won for Best WTF Moment in The Hangover and though I’m not a fan (he grossly overacts in everything), he surprised me with a touching tribute to his wife, who has beaten cancer.

Host Aziz Ansari had a few funny moments, though not as many as I would’ve liked. Best bits: his spoof of Precious, complete with headband and chicken stealing, and playing a “swagga coach” named Taavon training an uncool Zach Galifianakis. (Taavon: “I only sit on things that are purple.”)

Winners:

Best Female Performance—Kristen Stewart (New Moon)

Best Breakout Star—Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air)

Best Scared-as-Sh*! Performance—Amanda Seyfried (Jennifer’s Body)

Best Kiss—Stewart and Robert Pattinson (New Moon)

Best WTF Moment—Ken Jeong (The Hangover)

Best Villain—Tom Felton (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

Biggest Badass Star—Rain

Best Male Performance—Robert Pattinson

Best Comedic Performance—Zach Galifianakis (The Hangover)

Best Movie—New Moon

Best Fight—Beyoncé and Ali Larter (Obsessed), though this award wasn’t televised

Did you see the show? What did you think? Favorite moments? Weirdest?

Photos by Picture Group

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My Top 10 Movies That Should Never be Remade

When I read last week about how the long-delayed Logan’s Run remake might move forward yet again, I didn’t really care one way or the other. It was a marginal ’70s movie that I only have dim memories of so I have nothing against someone wanting to try and improve on it (because remakes are ALWAYS improvements on the original, right?).

But then I started thinking about the movies for which I’d march on Washington against their being remade (OK, maybe I’d just boo loudly from my couch) because it’d be all kinds of wrongness. Here are my top 10, in no particular order:

The Godfather. Marlon Brando made talking with cotton balls in his mouth seem intimidating; anyone else would come off ridiculous.
Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I’d put anything with Audrey Hepburn on this list since no one can ever step into her shoes (or black sheath dress, in this case), but since it’s too late for Roman Holiday—the 1987 TV remake with Catherine Oxenberg was atrocious—I’ll go with Tiffany’s. Also, though there are many different versions of “Moon River,” none is more heart-tugging than Hepburn’s in the movie.
The Crying Game. If you already know the bulk, er, twist in the story, what’s the point of doing another version? It’d also be really difficult to find someone else like Jaye Davidson to play Dil so convincingly.
The Matrix. It was mind-blowing when we first saw it. After all the copycats since, bullet time won’t look that impressive again.
His Girl Friday. I can’t think of any actress today who can talk as fast as Rosalind Russell, or tackle a man as effectively while wearing a pencil skirt and high heels.
Love Actually. Many storylines, characters, and actors converged serendipitously to make this perfect movie. Trying to juggle that many balls again with a different cast would be pushing their luck.
Waiting for Guffman. Everyone in that cast is a master at improv. It’s hard to imagine another group of actors who can match that level of comic brilliance.
Raiders of the Lost Ark. There ain’t nuthin’ wrong with it so hands off!
Love Story. You’re probably thinking “whaaaat?” but I have a soft spot for this. It’s one of the first movies I ever saw in a theater (I was 4 or 5) and I cried my little buns off. The leads are so pretty, the story so romantic and tragic. But Ollie or Jen wouldn’t get away with “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” today without audiences laughing at them.
Star Wars. Do I have to explain this one?

What would you hate to see remade?

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Movie Review: SEX AND THE CITY 2

This is an escapist, girly movie—no getting around that. I went in not expecting it to remotely resemble my own life and ended up mostly enjoying the fantasy of the foursome’s lives.

It’s two years after the events of the first movie and the ladies have a new set of problems: Carrie is afraid she and Big are turning into a boring old married couple, Miranda isn’t appreciated at work by her sexist boss, Charlotte’s kids are driving her crazy, and Samantha’s going through menopause. Conveniently, a sheikh offers Samantha an all-expenses paid vacation to Abu Dhabi to possibly engage her publicist skills to promote his luxury hotel and of course she wouldn’t go without her girls. While there, the ladies shop, drink, play with fire, get arrested, talk about their issues before coming home with new insight and appreciation for their situations.

The movie’s main attractions for me—no surprise—are the furniture and fashion porn. Big and Carrie live in a “little bit of heaven”—an impeccably decorated New York City apartment with a dream closet—and the women’s outfits are so jaw-droppingly over the top that they sometimes made me laugh. But that’s the way it should be; who wants to see them in Old Navy duds and Keds?

I also ogled the scenery (Morocco subbed for Abu Dhabi) and suddenly got the urge to ride a camel and/or Jeep over sand dunes. I love the friendship the characters have, how they’ll always be each other’s anchors. I enjoyed seeing Raza Jaffrey as Carrie’s butler, Guarau. On MI-5, the actor plays a formidable agent so it was quite a change to see him as the gentle, wise Indian man. And Liza Minnelli channeling Beyoncé! She must’ve gone to the Tina Turner School of Legs Preservation. Go, Liza. SATC2 is lighter in tone than the first one, though some of the jokes are rather crude (one involves camel and toes).

What I didn’t like? Samantha repeatedly flouting Abu Dhabi’s public dress laws by showing too much skin. I don’t agree with how women are forced to wear burkas but if I choose to go there, I would obey the emirate’s laws. Flipping off the men isn’t liberating, it’s disrespectful. Samantha claims hot flashes and hormonal changes as an excuse and Miranda does step in to talk some sense into her, but the scene smacks of arrogance. The ladies’ karaoke rendition of Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman” is also much too literal a declaration of girl power.

SATC2 certainly isn’t perfect but it doesn’t apologize for its fantasy elements, nor should it. It’s a two-and-a-half-hour virtual vacation to an exotic locale, allowing you to bask in the sun and not worry about frying too many brain cells.

Nerd verdict: Frivolous City life

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Lee DeWyze Wins AMERICAN IDOL

Jason, you were right.

Lee DeWyze was crowned the ninth American Idol tonight, with the result coming at the end of a two-hour-plus show that was actually entertaining at times. DeWyze is a decent enough singer and seems like a nice guy, but when Crystal Bowersox so obviously outshines him in every way, I don’t know what to say about his victory.

So, I’ll just recap some of the things I liked about the show. Yes, most of these people are older and their voices are a little thinner, but they sang the music of my youth and made me feel 10 years old again.

The Bee Gees! If you know me at all, you know my soft spot for Bee Gees music. Maurice was missed since I’ll always think of the brothers as a trio but it was cool to have Barry and Robin Gibb come out singing “How Deep is Your Love.” When I was a kid learning English, I’d try to transcribe songs I heard on the radio and this was one of them since it was nice and slow. (I still had a little trouble: “And we’re living in a world of fools, drinking us down…”)
Alanis Morrissette sang with Crystal on “You Oughta Know,” which was kickin’. Alanis was classy enough to hold back vocally so she wouldn’t steal Crystal’s spotlight (I’ve seen Alanis live from the pit—she can blow!) and immediately stepped away when the song was over, giving Crystal the floor. I had to laugh, though, at the cleaned up lyric made safe for prime-time TV. Crystal sang, “Is she perverted like me? Would she go down with you to a theater?” Wait a minute, so every time I accompany someone to a theater, I’m a pervert? Dang, I guess I’ve been perverted my whole life, sometimes for hours in one day with double features.
Hall & Oates singing “You Make My Dreams Come True,” with Daryl Hall in strong voice and John Oates almost unrecognizable without his famous ‘stache. I suppose this is an appropriate song considering the occasion but I wish they’d sung “I Can’t Go for That”—I like that song’s groovy, sexy feel—instead of leaving it to the Idol guys, including 16-year-old Aaron Kelly singing lyrics like “I’d do anything that you want me to…,” which is kinda wrong.
Bret Michaels dueting with Casey James on “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” Six months ago, I couldn’t have cared less about this performance since I’m no Poison fan. But seeing Michaels come out to sing was pretty amazing, considering he was at death’s door just weeks ago due to a brain hemorrhage. He looked and sounded as if nothing had happened, with him and Casey shredding their guitars with glee and harmonizing as if they’d been doing it for years. I don’t care what anyone says—I think Casey’s a true rocker. Watch video below.
I had mixed feelings about Janet Jackson‘s two-number performance. The first song, “Nothing,” was kinda boring but the eery thing was she sounded exactly like Michael! If you closed your eyes, you would’ve thought MJ was singing. Her voice has never resembled his that much before so I don’t know what was going on. And then she got “Nasty”! Anybody getting nasty on stage is good entertainment.
Oh yeah, I guess I gotta mention all the Simon tributes. Paula looked great but should never do standup—so awkward up there trying to crack jokes. Simon should never try to act, like he did in that one skit with him and Randy waking up together in bed. Enjoyed the satellite toast from Ricky Gervais, always the funniest man in the room. Other than that, I’ll miss Simon but as Paula said, the show will go on. After tonight’s results, though, whether I’ll watch is yet to be decided.

What were your favorite moments? No, it couldn’t have been Lee singing with Chicago. What else? Did anyone vote for Lee? What did you think when Bret Michaels walked out on stage?

Photos: FOX

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Crystal vs. Lee: The Final Battle – AMERICAN IDOL Season 9

by Jason Matthews

America, as it often does, in its infinite wisdom, is about to make a mistake: They are going to name Lee DeWyze as the next American Idol.

Even more than last week, this week is hugely predictable. Even though Crystal outperformed, outcharmed and outclassed Lee, as she always does, Lee is going to win. Lee was a deer in a world full of headlights, while Crystal was the picture of calm (hippie) professionalism. Lee was uneven, pitchy and amateurish, while Crystal was invested, take-charge and spectacular (Simon was right, making “Black Velvet” interesting to listen to is as hard as fixing the economy). Lee biffed his final number, Crystal brought the house down. The judges seemed eager to tell Lee he was failing, and couldn’t jump high enough to stroke Crystal’s gross dreads. None of it matters. Crystal is about to join the exclusive club of Idol runner-ups who are better than their victors.

The producers started the mistake. Crystal was too far ahead from the beginning, a runaway winner. Worried the season would be boring, the judges started pushing other, lesser Idolists. Anyone remember the shortlived reign of Siobhan? Or the minute-long memory of a Tim Urban dark horse victory parade? But as the season wore on it became clear Lee was the patsy to beat. Suddenly he was pulling the anchor spot, getting a bagpipe backup and lauded with praise from the judges. And Crystal? She got her props, but it was always an afterthought, the presumed finalist. She couldn’t have been taken for granted more. Now look where we are.

In every way, Crystal Bowersox outshines Lee DeWyze. She is a better singer and musician. She is a better role model for aspiring Idolists. She opens far more interesting avenues for next season’s talent pool. She is unique, whip-smart and timeless. She is in the mold of the best and most successful former American Idols (Carrie and Kelly). Most importantly, she will sell more records. But don’t tell that to America, ’cause they want Lee.

Apparently, we haven’t gotten our fix of generic bland alt-rocker boys, ’cause we’re about to crown a third in a row (and our picks are getting more generic, more bland and less alt). And that’s just not OK. For this, and the above reasons, the departure of Simon, the misfire of Ellen DeGeneres, Randy’s continued uselessness, the diminishing of Ryan’s natural wonders owing to forced gusto over lacking Idolists, a scary decline in production quality, time management and contestant choice, for the fact that we’re batting .225 in winners picked (and that’s generous) and the fact the show is just too damn long, I suggest we call it a day on this once transcendent reality show.

Enjoy the finale for the spectacle and travesty that it is. Say your goodbyes to Simon. Gaze lovingly at Ryan Seacrest one more time. Visit Randy’s dog pound. Fake laugh at Ellen’s fake jokes. Be put off by Kara, again. Try to remember that day four hundred years ago when we were all in love with Didi Benami. Relive the mistake that was Andrew Garcia. Laugh at the rest of the talentless kids we put through this year. Marvel at the Idol Elders, all better in a blink than Lee is in a whole evening of effort. And then watch as he is crowned the next American Idol, while Crystal politely congratulates him, the judges force themselves to be happy for him, the Top 12 duly crowd around him, and he brutally murders U2’s “Beautiful Day.”

When that is all said and done, America, I suggest we follow the advice of our country’s greatest TV personality and call a “Seacrest OUT!” on this mistake of a season.

Thank you for sticking with me through the season, PCNers, I hope you enjoyed the reviews.

Jason OUT!

Photos: FOX

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Reaction: GREY’S ANATOMY Season 6 Finale (Spoilers)

Oh. Mah. GAH!!

*Spoilers! Don’t read if you haven’t seen it!*

Not much on TV surprises me anymore but during the Grey’s Anatomy finale last night, I jumped as if my pants were on fire. The first time Gary Clark (Michael O’Neill) pulled out his gun and just put one right between Reed’s eyes? Craaaazy! I knew it was coming but it was still so shocking. I might need to buy a new chair or at least replace the arms I shredded with my nails during intense scenes.

This episode made me glad I stayed with the show through the uneven seasons and botched storylines (anything revolving around Izzie); it proved Grey’s can still be heartstopping drama. I think this ep topped the ones with the bomb in the chest and the pole through two people from the train crash, both standouts from past seasons. For two hours, I barely breathed and just watched in horror as the gunman went on a rampage at Seattle Grace, mowing down innocents right and left. With Cristina (Sandra Oh) unknowingly giving him directions straight to Derek’s office! April drives me nuts sometimes with all her neuroses but Sarah Drew turned in powerful work (e.g. her reaction when she discovered Reed’s body), as did most of the cast. My guts were wrenched as Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) sobbed when she thought Derek (Patrick Dempsey) was dead, and then had to stay focused to treat Owen (Kevin McKidd) as her baby just died inside her. I did like how she and Cristina had to save each other’s man (the women ruled!), and I’m looking at Dr. Avery (Jesse Williams) with new eyes now that he stepped up and pulled that trick on Clark with the wires.

If I had to be super picky, I didn’t like how Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) had a complete turnaround at the end about wanting kids. She’d been so dead set against the idea and all of a sudden, she decided she wanted 10 children with Callie (Sara Ramirez). She just went through a seriously traumatic episode so I’m not sure how sound that decision was. I’m also not certain that Lexie (Chyler Leigh) loves Karev (Justin Chambers) instead of Sloan (Eric Dane). But these are little things. Overall, Shonda Rhimes kept me riveted without resorting to any special effects; she used good old-fashioned storytelling and that’s what made it special.

What did you think of the episode?

Nerd verdict: Heartstopping Anatomy finale

Photo: ABC/Scott Garfeld

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